Page 1 of Lake of Sin

PROLOGUE

Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Galatians 5:19-21

Pleasure is a sin.

Some will debate this. Some will flounder through the Bible for glimpses of God dallying in joyous things. My brethren would say the world we occupy is fallen, that perversions are inevitable, and that pleasure as God knows it is impossible to have here. But I say:Ourpleasures are unobtainable for God Himself. I say: Pleasure is a sin, for God is jealous. God isjealous! God doesn’t want other things in life to usurp His place; He is as covetous and paranoid as a jilted lover; He falls into the sin of His own designs.

He had a body in Christ. He would have tasted the pleasures of satisfying hunger, of thirst, of the pulsing pull of arousal. I ask: Is that why His Son had to die? Is that why He removed Himself from the face of the earth, if just to free Himself from the burden of desire?

The Bible says:Delight yourself in theLord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.Psalm 37:4

What bullshit. I wasted my life waiting for Him to absolve me of desire. After my time with Furfur, I knew a sweetness could be achieved in pleasure. I realised that in seeking pleasure, I had been seeking punishment, too. Not the kind I revelled in, but the kind that would truly hurt. I sought the pain not for absolution, but for confirmation of this truth:

Not only were the bishops and my fellow priests right to question me, but my disgrace was inevitable. I threw the wordsdestinyandfatearound and hoped they were as real as the Devil himself.

But what if I hadchosenthis? What if I had taken back my life and chosen to give it to hedonism, and pleasure, and joy, and to forsake everything else?

What would that mean, then?

Could that mean I might approach Asmodeus and my ascent to its throne not out of duty, but out of desire? Out of want?

Would that not make me even more worthy to sit by its side?

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Isat in the wake of Furfur’s departure with revelations dripping over my flesh.

I had been given pleasure, and I had taken pleasure. These were new developments for me, new waters to wade through, but I was thrilled. To have more ways to use my body made me a better servant. In a selfish way, it would excite me further. The prospect of being used sounded ever more delicious with the thought that I could experience pleasure too. . .

Why hadn’t I dreamt of that before? So used to being God’s servant, I had never considered having another serve me. I thought of Galatians 1: “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

I wondered:Am I seeking the approval of God, or the devil? Am I seeking the approval of myself?

I was no servant of Christ, no bitch to be lead. With the Earl of Asmodeus’ Circle satisfied, I had three more to meet before my Lord permitted me to stand before it. I needed to experience pleasure with a Marquis, a Prince, and a Duke of Hell.

I should have stayed silent and dutiful, committing myself to the final three before

I kept Asmodeus in my heart, and I called out to it.

“Do you hear me?”

It answered immediately, “I hear you.”

The wind carried the booming voice of Asmodeus. Beneath me, jet-black waves tossed themselves against the rocks with raucous cracks. I breathed in deep, sulphur settling into my lungs, and found I did not know what to say. I had Asmodeus’ attention and no thoughts to share.

I wanted my Lord to calm me, and I wanted to hear it was proud of me. I wanted it to tell me I was worthless beyond my body, and yet I also craved to feel important. I wanted it to know I did this out of a kind of love and as a bid for my future. I sought eternal pleasure, yes, but also a chance to be eternally myself. To embrace every vicious want in me.

Eventually, I said, “Three left to pleasure, my Lord.”

Asmodeus’ hum of approval rumbled over the earth, shaking the land.

And then, without thinking, I said, “Willyoupleaseme, when I am by your side?”

I had never been so bold to Asmodeus before. Shivering, I remembered the strength of its appearance when it had come to me in the monastery. It had thrown me across the room; it had possessed the power to crush me, and without a doubt, it could do the same to me if it wished. Most likely, it could have done a lot worse since I had existed fully in its realm.

The sky darkened, and the rumbling turned unhappy. Still, I did not throw myself into apology. I stayed seated, fingers pressed against the warm, rough stone of Furfur’s circle, and I waited for punishment, or for words.

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