Page 80 of War Games

When we were ten, that was when we finally left the house, following me and Gwen to go play outside.

“This seems bad,” I muttered, wondering what my twin and I were about to get involved with. Subira said nothing, letting me live with my thoughts alone this time.

“I can’t believe Dad is doing this to Mom,” Gwen said, sitting on the log in the woods right beyond our house.

“Right?” Ten-year-old me was so over it, I almost smiled. Gwen and I watched a lot of television. We already had a concept of dating and cheating. We weren’t doing it yet, but we weren’t fools either. Dad was kissing the wrong woman. “We need to tell Mom. She deserves better, right? Margie is herfriend. And Dad says we need to listen to what we hear at church, and the church says a husband and a wife are meant for each other.”

“Yeah,” Gwen said, nodding. “But you know Dad. He’s always told us not to say anything. You know how mad he gets.”

“I can tell Mom by myself. I just feel really bad knowing about this now.”

“It’ll make Mom upset,” Gwen pointed out.

“Then Dad shouldn’t have been so stupid!” young-me said, huffing.

“Oh, gods, I was meddling,” I said, looking at Subira. “Would you want me to tell you that Hasan kissed another woman?”

“Oh, yes, so I could tear his balls off and feed them to him,” Subira said with a tight smile. “But I have more respect for myself than your mother had for herself.”

“Ouch,” I said softly, looking away from Subira. I wasn’t sure if it was her threat that Hasan cheated or her insult to my biological mother, which was the more painful part of that statement.

“Okay, so the next time Dad is gone, I’ll talk to Mom. I might need you to back me up. We both know. We both saw it.”

“Alright, Jacky… if Mom needs me to say it, too.” Gwen nodded.

And we waited until that moment. I felt adult fear of knowing these two versions of Gwen and me were in for a rude awakening.

“Mom, can I tell you something?” young-me asked, finding our mother working on dinner that evening. Michael was at work, and Helene was home with the kids. It was like that a lot. My mother wasn’t a stay-at-home mom, but I couldn’t remember her work schedule, either.

“What is it, Jacky? I’m busy.”

“I saw Dad kissing Margie.”

My mother dropped what she was doing.

“Don’t ever speak about it again,” she said, not looking at the younger me. I, the adult walking invisibly in the memory, walked closer to her to see the tears in her eyes and the fear in her expression.

“Mom—”

“Enough, Jacky.”

“But—”

“Enough, Jacky!” My mother, Helene Duray, turned and popped my cheek. It wasn’t a full slap, but it startled the hell out of the younger me. “When your elders tell you to be quiet and drop something, you drop it,” she hissed at the ten-year-old me.

“Mom…”

“You must be lying because your father would never do that to me,” Helene said, suddenly deciding to change the narrative. “He loves me, and I love him. I don’t know why you suddenly want to start these rumors and lie about your father, but I will not have it.”

I was a child. I didn’t understand that my mother was destroying my sense of reality with that tactic.

“She believed me,” I said, fuming as I watched the ten-year-old version of myself get punished for trying to help her mom. “For a second, she believed me.”

I watched my younger self turn around, and I followed, only to see Gwen standing just around the corner, watching but not saying anything, not stepping up, not helping me. She heard our mother call me a liar and hadn’t tried to help me.

“She was a scared little girl here, but I think this is why you two never had a real relationship,” Subira said.

“Why did I repress the entire affair?” I demanded. “Why all of it?”

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