Page 74 of War Games

I watched it play out. It was literally an out-of-body experience in my own head. I had a new angle on a fight I had been right in the middle of.

I watched the struggle. Me biting and clawing. Niko with his silver claws. Dirk trying to get a good shot, trying to provide that fatal blow, just like me, just like Niko.

They weren’t haunted like me. They weren’t beating themselves up the same way.

“I hold myself to a high standard,” I explained, maybe for just myself to hear, maybe for Subira. “Impossibly high. I don’t know why. I logically know that it wasn’t my fault, but my heart doesn’t want to accept that yet. I grieve for him, for whoever his parents may have been. I’ll never stop grieving for that loss and knowing my part in it.”

“Was it your fault?”

“No,” I said, blinking back tears. “I did everything I could. I couldn’t save him, though.” I didn’t need Subira to say anything. I knew the truth. “I did save a lot of people who could have been hurt by him, whether it was by their control or if he got away from them. I do know I saved them. I…” I took a deep breath. “I saved him from their clutches. I hope he’s at peace now.”

The memory washed away, leaving Subira and me to find a new place to go.

28

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

“Good job,” Subira said, touching my back.

“It still hurts,” I admitted.

“It’s not about completely healing right now, Jacky. It’s about facing these moments that have threatened to destroy you with honesty and bravery. Alvina was very clear about that. This isn’t therapy. It’s a test. Things that haunt a person will always haunt you. You have to have the power to face them because only then can you overcome them.”

“Why did anyone think this was a good idea to do to someone?”

“They call it Oberon’s Test. Only having passed it can one serve as one of the most elite of their warriors, taking orders from their highest rulers to protect the fae, both the people and the land.”

“Tell Alvina this sucks,” I muttered, wiping my face off.

“I’m certain Hasan found a way to say that to her while she explained it to him,” Subira said, pursing her lips tightly, either fighting a smile or matching my annoyance. Both of those were possible from what I could smell in her scent.

“Which do you want to see first? Fenris or Hasan?” she asked, leaning on her staff.

“Fenris,” I answered immediately, and we were dropped into the Black Forest. I saw Landon and me fighting for our lives. Fenris, or Rainer, was in his Last Change, not entirely finished, but so close.

I started walking close, wanting to hear some very specific words.

“Jacky.” Subira didn’t sound pleased.

“Yeah?”

“What is wrong with you in this memory?” she asked, her words telling me she thought something was very wrong.

That was when I remembered. Landon had seen it this day, what I had learned to do. I looked at myself, the fighting frozen for me to inspect the memory, like I had wanted it to freeze, so it did.

I was a bit terrifying to look at. My incisors were grown out like they were a werecat’s fangs, going nearly to my jawline. My facial structure was slightly changed to account for the difference. My fingernails had become cat claws but weren’t retractable yet, it seemed.

“The witches in Dallas tried to force me to Change, to force me to fight for them. A werecat being a good addition to the werewolves they were planning on having from the Dallas pack. I fought it, and this happened. Since then…”

“You can just do that?” Subira growled.

“I saw another moon cursed do it before. In fact…” I turned to look at Fenris. “It was him.”

“The one you called the mad wolf?” She was snappy now, my mother. “Jacky, that is dangerous.”

“I know. That’s why I don’t want to tell Heath about it,” I said softly.

“And why, even though I can tell you both love each other enough, that you don’t have a mate bond. You are scared of telling Heath Everson about this.”

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