Page 73 of War Games

“And you’re still not mates,’” Gwen said cruelly, snide about how I couldn’t even have that with Heath. “Because who would ever be mates with the killer of their child?”

Subira’s eyes flash in rage, hearing Gwen’s voice, knowing it was just my thought coming from the other mouth.

“You know that’s unfair to do to yourself,” Subira snarled, glaring atme, not Gwen.

“I do. I do know. It’ll happen when it happens. I’m holding back on my side, too. There are things I’m… dealing with. I love that man more than anything. All I’ve wanted since this startedwas just to go home, go back to him, when I could remember home and him. Everything kept stopping me. When I thought I had found home, it ended up being the wrong one. Then I was attacked by a werewolf, and it really did damage to me. Then I woke up on the island, and Hasan made me sit there and heal and wouldn’t let me go home, either…” I shook my head in dismay, tears threatening. “That's all I want, to see him again. He’s home. Him, Carey, Landon, Dirk…Myhome.”

“Then we know the exit,” Subira said gently, reaching up to wipe the tear that escaped my eye, her thumb brushing my cheek. “We’ll find out how to get you home.”

I could only nod.

“But first, we need to confront how you feel, the real memories. We need to find these things that haunt you, and you need to move through them. At the end of that, we’ll get you home.”

“I don’t remember one of them.” I knew which one would stop me. Fenris, I could find. I would never forget that. I could remember the fights with Hasan, thinking I had broken my second family. I could find the boy and werewolves in Alaska. “I don’t remember causing the rift between me and my human parents.”

“Since it’s the one the farthest back, we have time to address that. We’ll start with the most recent. Take us back to the forest, Jacky. Let’s go find the boy you couldn’t save.”

I nodded, not knowing what to do, but I could remember those watercolor images of my memories that had shown up and gone black and white, fading entirely now. I thought of Alaska, thought of the house with the witches, the werewolves we had killed in the forest.

The image of my memory formed. Subira walked to it, nodding appreciatively, seeming satisfied. Then she held out a hand to me, and I took it, allowing her to walk us into it. Weleft behind Gwen but not the werecat. It didn’t go through the watercolor portal-type thing like us, but instead just walked into the memory on its own.

“Is it going to do that the entire time?” I asked, nodding toward it.

“Oh, yes. Just ignore it. That’s all you can do. Yours is far tamer than Hasan’s, thankfully. His takes a very particular shape that isn’t his own and represents far more than just the curse.”

“Can you tell me about that? Have you been in Hasan’s head like this?”

“You are the third member of the family I have ever done this to. Hasan… I have been allowed to rummage about in his head for thousands of years. Our mate bond makes it easy. I don’t even need to be on the same continent as him.”

That makes a lot of sense about why they are so willing to live apart. She and I can touch, so I can only imagine… And I think I’ll avoid that mental image.

Subira looked somewhat amused as I visibly had to shake myself to rid myself of understanding what her time in Hasan’s head meant.

“The other was Jabari,” she continued once I was done banishing other thoughts. “Where I found the spot in his head and soul that the mate bond drifted off him to nothing. It wasn’t easy, but I was able to make it physical in this space. I then hopped to Aisha. For a split second, their minds brushed against each other. I also used his magic to make sure it was possible since it was harder than what I have to do here in a magical sense. This is harder in other ways.”

“Oh. Did Jabari even realize you can do this?”

“If he did, he wouldn’t be the one who is curious. He’s reasonably wary of his own magic. He’ll train it because I ask him, but he knows what the wrong witches can do and therefore has some hate for it all, like Hasan.” Subira shrugged. “Partof that is my fault. Part of it is Hasan’s. Part of it is his own experience.”

“Hasan, who was nearly made a slave like…”

Remembering the boy, why we were in this moment, it all happened quickly. The actual fight played out before me, the giant Last Change werecat attempting to kill us.

“Tell me, Jacky… does that seem like a boy to you right now?”

“No,” I answered honestly.

“Does that seem like someone you could have reasoned with?”

I shook my head.

“No.”

“Then why are you blaming yourself for not knowing those things?”

“Because I could have…”

Stop. Everyone has tried to tell me the same thing over and over again.

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