Page 81 of Collateral Damage

“You wanna watch your mo-”

His nose crunches as I crack it with my forehead, I ain't dealing with his obnoxious mouth tonight, finding his face in the bar as I grip the back of his neck slamming his sorry ass into the surface listening to the snap in the wood. Apparently neither is he as he wipes the blood streaming down his lip before aimlessly swinging for me, knocking me across the jaw catching my silverware, sending my head to nearly dislocate but I laugh under my breath, feeling the instant throb of torn skin where my piercing tried to dislodge itself. He’s awoken a beast and my liquors starting to interrupt my bloodstream, moving solely on its hunger to feed my violence.

“YouFREAK!” It only makes me cackle more, forcing my steel toe boot to his stomach, feeling him crush underneath me as he launches into the standing tables licking the gash where my tooth caught my lip, rolling in the sensation it gives me. The pulse is feeding me like I've snorted a line of coke as the metallic taste fills up my mouth.

Only I would get into a fucking bar fight with an incompetent drunk over a girl I wasn’t even remotely interested in, all whilst trying to drown my feelings for the girl I am losing myself completely over. I’m drowning in this uninvited redemption she's trying to shove down my throat and my body won’t allow it. I’m throwing it back up along with mykindness.This is who I fucking am and she needs to just get the fuck over it already. The quicker she does the better, because this nice act is only making me restless for blood.

“Hit me.” I allow him to find his feet, giving him false security as he swings for me again, inflicting pain I oh so crave, grinning like the Devil as he hits me again, making me feel. Making me consume pain as he lets his pathetic tantrum out on my face before I grab him by the scruff of his neck and pummel his stomach with my knee, listening to him choke on his emptythreats. Does he really think his little love taps are going to have any effect on me?They are kisses.“That's enough of that…”

Play – ‘Can I – Genevieve Stokes’

I let him go, knocking him clean out with a final blow to the chin before grabbing the bottle of JD and dragging it off the counter. I coat my tongue in it as I tend to my mouth and lick it clean, feeling the torn hole under my already swelling lip throb, embracing its sting like I embrace her, drowning in the affliction as I picture her sweet little dimples and the beaming life still so hopeful in her eyes. The adrenaline is wearing off, leaving only my vulnerable body left to fend for itself as I sink into a pit of inflicted sorrow, intoxicated with only a longing for her in my arms and it's pissing me off how intensely I mourn for her when she is now not by my side. The past few days she’s literally tried to avoid me and it’s been agonising. This distance and silence is getting to my head. I said what I said so she’d hate me but it backfired heavily because now I'm the one getting hit the hardest. I bet she’s over this shit by now, probably watching TV or asleep or something while I grovel like an idiot.

I glance over at Ellie gawking back at me, but not with fear. With spiritual excitement. I just beat her man to a pulp and she liked it. Sucks for him. But at least I could be entertainment,as usual.

My main worry now is that I've picked a fight and now I've drawn attention but the rest of the bar seem too gone to notice there was even a dispute.

“Have a good rest of your eveningSweetheart.” I leave her with a gentle wink as I catch the blood dripping down my chin with my thumb and she fixates on me like I'm a foreign language, trying to understand me now. The truth is, no one ever truly did. Not even my mom. There is lots I never told her out of fear but most was so I could keep her from danger. Keep herfrom the truth which was inevitable. The gift he so graciously gave me across my cheek, I told her was from falling off my bike and although she never questioned further, the deceit in her eyes assured me that she always knew the truth. She wore it painfully behind the facade she performed. But she knew. She always knew.

For a little while I resented her for letting it happen when I found out she knew. Until one day I found burns etched into her shoulders and realised it was never just me being punished by the Devil and I began to endure it all so she didn’t have to.

It was never enough. He was never satisfied. Hungry for my screams until I’d pass out and wake up in bed with an incurable migraine and marking so heavy I didn’t understand how it never killed me at that age.I was just a fucking kid.

I hover over his pointless excuse for air as I spit on his mangled face, digging my heel into his ribs waiting to hear them crack beneath my boot but I refrain just this once, only pinning him down with the notion I might as that fearful glare I long for is staring back at me, feeling the pressure burning under my foot.

“Next time. Pick on someone your own size.Jackass.” I remove my foot, letting him breath again as he crawls away, clinging to the foot of a stool and I exit swiftly, bottle in hand, knowing this will be gone by the time I get back. I might just sleep in the truck, lock myself in so I don't do something dumb.Like try and apologise.

I plant my ass in the truck leaning back in the seat, letting my head hang as the blood pumps, burning my open wounds with a loving touch. I’m barely able to see as I turn the key, rolling out my dull ache in my jaw as it throbs, licking the sweet pennies from my teeth.

I picture my mom. And this is why I don't drink. Because in my most vulnerable moments, she's the only person to comfortme and she's not fucking here.Because of me. So I cradle my pain, imagining her next to me as I hold out my bottle.

“Happy birthday Mom…”

C H A P T E R 48

LUSTFUL QUARREL

Puppet

Play – ‘Changes – XXXTENTACION’

Iwake with sore eyes to the sound of shuffling and things breaking, peering at Sheps ears perked up knowing it wasn’t just me that heard that. I drag myself out of bed, trying to recall what even happened before I passed out and I realise she never came back in the house. It's dark out and I haven't a clue what the time is but I know this racket is definitely not necessary at this time of night. I glare at Shep, scratching at the door to let him out. I reach for it, opening it as I poke my head round, adjusting to the darkness consuming the room with only the moonlight highlighting her silver jewellery, trying to read the clock in the dull lighting knowing it can only be one person or Shep would be ripping their throat out.

“Hayden?” I reach for the little lamp on the side table, glaring at her from across the room, her face completely mashed up, bloody and bruised as she attempts to look at me.

“M-om…” She mumbles under her shallow breath as she stumbles over her own feet and my stomach plummets, dropping the keys as she slams the door shut trying to hold her body weight completely unaware that Shep sits at her feet.

“Oh my god. Your face, what the hell happened?!” I run for her instinctively, reaching out for her face before she grabs mywrists, restraining me with little energy and she reeks of alcohol, barely keeping her head straight as it flops around like a dead body.

“Are you drunk?”I question. My affection is thrown as I'd expect, and logistically the only person who should be angry right now is me, but here I am aiding her drunk ass with concern.

“Ge-t off me…” She attempts to push me away lightly, backing into the door trying to keep herself up, smacking her head into the wood but I try to find her in her mass destruction, grabbing her chin, pulling her back down to earth to look at me.

“Hey! Hays. Look at me.” She certainly didn't fight very hard. I know she's better than this. I know she can hit. This was intentional infliction and it only makes me more infuriated that she was so bloody stupid, wiping the bloodied mess from her cheek.

“Stop.” She barely whispers through trembling lips, my hands find my sides as she throws them, hissing through the pain she’s clearly suffering.

“Jesus… What the hell did they do to you?” More an accusation than a question as I tug her head around, analysing the damage but she resists me. Snatching her face from my light clasp.

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