Page 87 of Collateral Damage

BETRAYAL

Puppet

I’m woke abruptly to the sound of glass smashing and china bracing the walls, jumping out of my skin as I stare towards the door finding Shep licking at my stagnant face. I squint at the forceful pull on my back realising I have been patched up but the harm still remains, stinging the incisions she left on my body and every part of me wants to scream and cry and hate her for this. But I can’t. I pushed this. I asked for this. And now I understand her more than I thought I ever would. I’m bearing her suffering likeI wanted. We are in this together now. I will do everything I can to help her realise that the little girl stuck inside of that room is worth more than the clown her father painted her to be. I feel violently ill as the ache stuns my entire back trying desperately to stand on my feet. I don’t know how many I endured, I don’t even remember passing out but I know she didn’t mean it, she didn’t mean any of it. I’m drawn to the anger swallowing the air from behind the bedroom door.She needs me, now more than ever.I dread to think how she is feeling right now and I need her to know I'm not angry.I’m not going anywhere.

I creep open the door slowly, peaking round the corner to an obliteration, broken glass, picture frames, the lamp and coffee table completely destroyed, plastered all over the floor as shethrows yet another object at the wall, groaning out a deep roar. She’s an animal stuck behind bars trying to fight her inner demons and everything in me seizes at the sight of her raw unfiltered rage. She’s finally cracked. I’ve opened the red door and it’s consuming her from the inside out.

“Hayden?...” As I speak softly, a picture frame is thrown millimetres from my head, fracturing against the door frame as I stun in place falling back inside the room away from the blast, crawling back out to see her standing there in complete absence, staring straight through me as unstoppable tears cut down her cheeks.

She’s crying.

I’ve never seen her cry.

Play - ‘Let Me Go - NF’

Tears crawl up my throat as I begin to feel this pain with her, suffocating on this agony we both now share. There is so much guilt on her face, like she doesn’t even deserve to look at me and it’s breaking me. This was all my fault. I pushed her to face her demons and she warned me there would be consequences but I didn't listen.

I was selfish.

I do the only thing I know how without thinking, chasing my feet, catching her in a hug as she buckles to the floor, smashing her knees into the wood as she collapses into my embrace.

“I'm so sorry! I'm sorry, I'm s-o sorr-y!…” Sobs tear through her staggered throat, bleeding into my hold as she claws at my shoulders, tensing as she handles the gashing on my back but right now this embrace is what we both needed, holding her so tightly as my fingers run up the back of her head.She’s letting me hold her.

“Hey! Hey!.. It's OK, you're OK. I'm right here. I'm here.” Her arms mould round my tiny frame and I've never felt more athome than I do right here in her arms, holding her head against my beating heart. Letting her know I’m right here. She makes it easier to breathe. Easier to face hardships when she’s by my side. She’s spent so long being strong. Pushing down all her hurt, never giving herself a chance to face those closed doors but she’s not doing this alone.She has me.

She slowly pulls away, gazing into my eyes like I'm dying as her warm familiar touch cups my cheeks, tearing at the sight of me.

“I need you to do something for me…” Her voice cracks, trying to speak and I'm shaking at her hesitation.I’ll do anything to make this better.

“Ok - ok.” She tucks my hair out of my face, stroking the tenderness in my flush cheeks and her tears are tearing me apart. I didn’t know seeing her cry would break me so much.

“Listen to me, very carefully.” Everything inside me is screaming, gripping the straps of her top, trying to understand through the sorrow in her eyes, like she’s about to say something I'll hate.

“You’re scaring me!” Her hands clasp at my skull with firm pressure, channelling this hostility through her voice as she bleeds words I never expected to come out of her mouth.

“I need you to walk out that door.Do you hear me?”I can tell she doesn’t want this through the way she’s squeezing me with desperation, rubbing at my skin like we will somehow morph together.

“What?-” My vision goes fuzzy, becoming a blur, trying to focus on her skin against mine.

“I need you to run. And I don't want you to look back. Ok?” No. I can’t do that. I can’t run away now. I can’t run away from this. We’ve come so far and she expects me to walk away? I’m not scared of her and she wants me to be.

“I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here. With you!” My resilience to stay is fighting her resistance to let me go because I know neither of us want this, I know she doesn’t think she's fixable. But she doesn’t need to be fixed, she just needs someone to love her the way she is. To care for her the way she has cared for me. I’m not giving up onus.

“Alora. This is not. Debatable.” Her fingers become more forceful, sinking into me with irritation.“You're going to walk out of that door and you're going to forget about me. I need you to do that. For me.”

She is crazy. The last five months of my life has been right here. I have nowhere to go, no place to call home, this is my home now. I don’t want to be anywhere else and the thought leaves stones in my throat.

“Hayden. Please don't do this to me-” I weep uncontrollably. Drowning in my own sea of tears as she joins me, wiping mine away, hating to see me cry.

“I want you to be happy. And I - I can't do that, for you.” She has it all wrong! If she would just let me in she would see that being in her arms has never made me happier! I’ve experienced so many happy moments with her, happiness I sometimes doubted I’d have the privilege to feel but when I look at her now. I see my refuge, I see peace. I don’t want to fight anymore!

“I am happy! I am happy, here, with you!” She grabs my wrists tightly, pulling me off her frame with durability and her voice shifts, no longer laced in pain but vexation.

“You need to leave.” My heart falls from great heights, shattering as it hits the bottom. She's pushing me away because she thinks this will solve her problems, so she can keep her image, keep being the monster she so desperately wants to be, but letting me go will solve nothing. Pushing me away will only make this worse. She wants to wallow in self-hate, break herselfdown to feel numb. Feel nothing, because feeling nothing is easier than facing your mistakes.

“Hayden - please, please do-n’t do this- don’t, don’t do this-” She shoves my hands away, slowly standing back on her feet as she wipes away her grief, looking at an imposter as she glares at me with nothingness and my soul seeps into the foundations of this building.

“I don't want you here.” None of this was expected. I never planned to fall for someone like her, the way she never planned to find me that night. I lost my life, my family, my home. I’m not losing her too; she doesn’t get to just run away from this.

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