Page 79 of Collateral Damage

“I don't want a normal life anymore.” Normality Frightens me. There is no adventure, no excitement. What is normal anyway? working a 9-5 job with responsibility pouring out your ass?

“Alora… You have a whole life to get back to. You're so smart and you have so much ahead of you, I will not keep you from that.” She is complimenting me, four months ago she wanted me to suffer, to experience all my pain and endure her spiteful nature. But now? Now she’s trying to push me to do something with my life. Something that doesn’t involve her but I can only focus on the negatives right now.I have no life to go back to.Go back to court cases, people calling me names, conspiracies of thegirl I once was and where I've been? Being plastered all over the news? I would prefer to stay in the clouds. Here.With her.

“Don't I get a say? You're starting to sound like my parents.” I lift my upper body to meet her in a standoff and the tranquil night has turned into a storm between us.

“I'm just trying to do what is best for you. And it's certainly not me.” Every time she doubts her worth it shatters me just a little more.

“Well, that is for me to decide.Not you.” I push her roughly and although I know I can’t psychically move her, she moves anyway to give me space.

“Alora. I care about you. I do. But you need to leave it alone.” Is this what dating a fuck boy high school varsity jock is like? Because if so I really didn’t miss out on much, this is exhausting.

“You just, expect me to ignore the fact you made love to me? You took my virginity?” Everything writing her expression is screaming the words I dread to hear.

…

“I shouldn't have done it…” My mouth gapes, feeling physical pain invade my lungs as I suddenly struggle to catch my breath, feeling my heart bleed into my bloodstream.

“Wow… You really are like everyone else.” She can’t even look at me. My fury grows against her fire, smouldering me in agony worse than her wrath. “You told me when I was ready, Hayden. And I was ready. Ready to give myself to you. Was that all just part of your sick, twisted ego? Your quick fix?”

She is holding guilt on the tip of her tongue, eyes filled with absent words her mouth cannot find as she avoids my every emotion.

“You told me I wasn’t an object.” I slide out from underneath her, crawling to try and find my feet as she grabs my waist, pulling me back into her slightly.

“You’re not.”My death stare meets her, ripping her arm off my body.

“Then why do I feel like one?…”

“Alo-”

C H A P T E R 47

FEED MY VIOLENCE

Puppeteer

Play - ‘Numb - Linkin Park’

It's because she is not an object that I cannot bring myself to harm her further. She’s been avoiding me and for good reason, I want her to resent me but there is a part of me yearning for this life she so desperately sees with me and I don’t understand what she can see. Logistically, we would never work. The only option is to do time and I'm not prepared to commit to something like that again just yet. I’ve done what I needed to do, why the hell would I get myself thrown in there when I could stay here and live out my sad little life doing what I do best. She needs to let it the fuck go. She needs to let us go.There is no us. That sex meant more to me than I will ever admit to her because it keeps her tied to me. She needs to fear me,hate me. The way she used to, but I don’t know why I am struggling to treat her the way my mind intends.

I grip my nails into the palms of my hand as she jumps down off the roof making her way inside, shaking in inner irritation.I’m a fucking idiot. I don’t know why the hell I fucking said that.

I should probably run after her but that is not me. Like none of this is fucking me. I’m turning into a fucking pussy and I need a damn drink. Preferably not in her vicinity or I may do something I regret.

I jump off and head straight for the truck, following my intrusive thoughts until I reach the nearest bar, pulling up outside a rundown shack with a singular neon bottle hanging on for dear life to the brick wall. The stench of beer and boisterous men lingers in the air as I light a cigarette, drowning in my numbness as I stare at the door contemplating whether this is a good idea but quite frankly, I don’t give a shit and I need to take my mind off her for five fucking minutesbefore I lose it.

I crush the cigarette in my palm and make my way inside with my hands in my pockets. It’s not a bar I've personally visited, but there is a first time for everything and I'd rather not bump into company. As long as I can drown my sorrows I couldn’t give a fuck what it looks like.

I reach the bar, slamming dollars down before taking a seat, hanging my head with the overwhelming thought of her like a lingering cold that won’t leave me alone.

“JD. Neat.” I demand as a dominant but feminine voice drips down my ear, looking back up to a woman with long ginger hair and a prideful smile, wiping out a glass before grabbing my poison.

“You’ve seen better days.” She places the whole bottle in front of me with a shot glass to compliment it as she pours one out like she knows one drink is not all I’ll be asking for.

“Not really.” I drag it to my mouth, letting it heal my harm as it glides down my throat, burning me from the inside and god I forgot how good it feels.

“Dark and mysterious. Beats the regulars I get in here.” I eye her curiously, in her tight black jeans and pretty throat exposed with a cute little owl necklace, glaring around the room at all the drunk fucks gawking at her over the bar.

“Someone like you shouldn’t be working in here.” She pours me another, smiling at me with serenity, leaning on the bar to get more comfortable.

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