Page 46 of Collateral Damage

“Maybe.Or maybe. I'm just too broken to find peace with rest. It's punishment for all I've done and will continue to do until hell decides it's my time.” Another empty silence fills the room besides the gentle huffs from the couch potato as he sleeps. But I know she didn’t come out to talk about my inhumane tendencies.

…

“What are you thinking about?” I whisper, wondering through the dark towards the couch where I plant my ass, resting my feet up on the coffee table.

“What do you mean?”I love picking at her brain.

“What's keeping you awake?” I can feel my head spinning as I lean my head back into the cushion.

“Oh- I. I'm not sure. I just don't think I could get comfy.” Does she think I haven’t been reading her like a map? I know that her insulin knocks her out and she was fast asleep thirty minutes ago.

“You and I both know that's a lie. What did I tell you about lyingPuppet?”I can almost hear her swallow her deception from behind me. “That question didn't come out of nowhere. What are you thinking about?” I demand gently.

“I guess I am just trying to figure out what I'm feeling...” I don’t have to look at her to know she is caving in on herself.

“And what might that be?”

“If I'm a bad person.” My brows knit.Bad person?She doesn’t have a bad bone in her body and I’m starting to wonder if that's the reason I’m so perplexed by her.

“And why on earth would you think that?” There are still thousands of questions sitting in the air and she’s lucky I’m feeling a sliver of sentiment tonight as I wallow in my temporary peace.

“Doesn't matter…” She sighs, and I remain silent. If I know anything about this peculiar doe, she is almost never afraid to ask questions.So I wait.

…

“When you stopped me that day-” She finally blurts out. “From killing you, you said something. You said to be better thanit. Better thanyou. And at the time, I didn't quite understand the full extent of it. But now I'm wondering why. Why did you fight for me to concur my own downfall when you can't even concur your own?” She needs to stop thinking so much. Her ability to break me down without even trying is something I need to try and stop letting affect me. I don’t know if it’s because the booze is finally kicking in or I actually have a heartbeat, but her words rip me in ways I didn’t think possible and it isn't the first time.

“Because some are stronger than others.” I run my inky fingers through Sheps soft coat, reminding me that strength is something only certain people have the ability to obtain and I’m slowly realising that I am not one of them.

“You told me murder is power.” She bites and it’s a statement more than a question.

“I never said power was good. Power is its own catalyst. Power is someone's greatest foe. It destroys you until you are the very shell of your own.” I retort, rubbing my temples, getting more agitated at myself for caving to her ungodly amount of questions.

“Are you saying you want to destroy yourself?” She already knows I didn’t plan on being here much longer. Is that really so hard to believe?

“Haven't my actions already answered that.” My voice is hoarse and weary.

“Why did you give me the journal?” She snaps back, as if her statement is trying to prove something.

“Because you like to write.”

“The truth.”She sounds upset. Laced with inner turmoil like she’s trying to make me confess something but my wall is transparent right now, feeling what I dred will make me regret my next words.

...

“Because I could see you slipping.” I confess. Trying to understand my own jumbled up head. She needed an outlet and I gave it to her.

“Why would you help me?”

“I wouldn't call it that.”

“Oh yes, you were being considerate. I got it. Definitely hasn't got anything to do with you actually caring a little?” If I wasn’t so drowsy right now I’d have her over my knee for her sarcastic mouth, but instead I grin at the life inside of her.

“Your heart is way too big for your chestLittle Dreamer. You know that?”

“You can have some if you want?” I can hear her cheeks crinkle as she smiles.

“I'm good. Thanks though.” I remark, stretching into a comfier position.

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