Page 42 of Collateral Damage

“Let's get you cleaned up…” I don't have to threaten her further for her to know she shouldn't have laid a hand on me. I take a bite of her cookie, and she pouts at my betrayal.

“Can you stop stealing my food?” I could. But I won't. The uninvited expression on her face makes it worth it. She has no idea what I'm doing to her body, but I do. I'm fraternising with the enemy and I may as well have some fun with it.

After today. It changes everything. And her terrible attempt at escaping was just a ploy to make me give her what she wanted.I've given her so many subtle signs that I yearn for her beneath me and my corruption is slowly seeping into her vulnerable bones.

C H A P T E R 25

BLURRYFACE

Puppet

Play - ‘WASTE - Slowed Version - KXLLSWXTCH’

Ipushed. Maybe a little too far. She terrifies me but I knew she wouldn't hurt me. Not the way she wants to anyway. Call me naive and stupid. Hey, maybe I have learnt my lesson, but even now I don't think I have. She hates that she needs me, she hates the thought of parting with me, and I just needed to push a little harder for her to show me. Prove to me that what I thought about her was right.

She bathes in so much pain and loneliness, guilt and years of abuse that I am still yet to understand but for some reason. I want to understand. I NEED to understand. Maybe that is why I pushed her.I feel sick to my stomach. What I did was inhumane, but it also felt, kind of, good? I don't know what that says about me… I'm nothing like her. I don’t want to be like her, but everyday I'm stuck with her, I find myself chasing this hunger for excitement. She excites me. Her past.Our past.It has opened up a door I was not prepared for, but I don't think I'm mentally stable enough to understand what I'm even doing. All I know is she's been there for me regardless of our shared hatred. Held me, cared for me and dealt with my outbursts without breaking her word. She's shown me without words that she's kind.The affection she so desperately despises has been very much present amongst the chaos of our damaged association and I still broke her trust. But there is no anguish in her eyes when she looks at me. When there should be. There is only concern.

The only reason she inflicted pain is because I begged for it. I'm pathetic. Who begs for pain?Or more importantly, why did I beg for it? This is so unlike me. And I enjoyed it, which makes this even worse. Not that I can really remember much of it. My mind is all over the place. All I want to do right now is sleep but I have a feeling she won’t let that happen until I've showered and I've not got the energy for that right now either.

“Would you mind if I had a bath?...” I finish off the rest of my cookie as she nods gently, moving off to go and run one. She does so without even thinking about it. No arguments, only compliance, and I rub my lips together, squeezing my hands between my knees trying to shake this relentless feeling niggling at the back of my throat. We are different people now. Learning to understand each other once more. But more so me trying to understand this new information I've been thrown and it's piping hot in my hands. It's going to take me a while to get accustomed to this truth and now I can see why she didn't want to share… She was protecting me but I pushed anyway and I'm still trying to figure out if that was a good move. In some lights it was because now I see her in a completely different light. But I now also see my perfect little life in complete and utter darkness, built on a false prophecy and a false history. How could he lie to me?

Ten minutes or so go by and I'm twiddling my thumbs trying not to fall back to sleep, Shep nuzzling me to keep me conscious as his wet nose grazes my arm.

“Hey boy.” It's probably around two in the morning and I am ready to knock out for at least forty-eight hours. Sleep doesn't cure pain but it's a temporary fix. If you're asleep you cannotfeel. Maybe that's why she doesn't sleep. To tell herself she's still human with a beating heart.

“It's done.” She murmurs through the door and I waste no time nearly running for the bath. I've changed into clothes I don't mind getting wet and I lower myself in slowly, embracing that tender sting rising up my body. It hurts but it's soothing. This pain is usually as close as I get so earlier was most definitely new for me. My lip drags through my teeth, frowning a tiny smile at the thought, wanting deep down in the pits of my stomach for her tohurtme again.

I never understood the rebellious nature of teenagers but now I'm starting to get it. It's not so much the pain. It's the thrill. The consequences. The hunger for discipline. Which kind of makes sense when you live... Lived… In a house with parents like mine. I was always so lenient. Patient. Not just at home but at school. I was teased for being such a goody two shoes, it's where I got the nickname that Kacey likes to brand me with, and I'll be honest, in my later years it frustrated me. I didn't want to be the sensible idol, but I couldn't even sneak out to a party without panicking over the repercussions. If Kacey could see me now. If I told her what I've been through, I don't know whether she'd be proud or fear for her life.

Play - ‘Chasing_(Demo) - NF, Mikayla Sippel’

She stands in the doorway like a creep holding the tip of the frame, watching me as I soak away all my sins, bathing in momentary relaxation. Even after this level of,trust? She still won't trust me to wash in peace. I'd like to say I'm surprised but I did just try to run so it's understandable.

It sounds ridiculous but I don't have any instinct to run anymore. There is nothing left on the other side of this, I wanted to die anyway so I may as well go out with a bang. No one's looking for me. No one cares. I have no family left. The relativesI do have live dotted across the world and we barely saw them. I think the last time I saw any family members I was no older than a pup. There's nothing to run to. She's become my safety blanket and it's so wrong, but her venom is flooding my cold veins.

“Do you have family?” The water lines my chin, shrinking to meet the audacity I've stooped to.

“None that care.” She really is alone. I bet no one even visited her when she spent six years banging her head against a wall. In fact I'm impressed she still has rational thinking. In most cases, a sentence like that drives someone to do horrific things to achieve their end but she's still very much alive and very much functional.

“What was it like? Prison.” I begin to wash, trying to muster up the strength I have left but I'll be honest. I am beyond drained.

“A walk in the park compared to with my childhood.” What the hell did she go through? What kind of monster was she trapped here with? I take a look around the room and my skin begins to itch.

“The lock on the outside of the bathroom door… That was never for me. Was it.” Things are slowly starting to piece together and my stomach is churning with vile imagery. I've never even asked for her age and it makes me feel even more nauseous. I'm eighteen and she has to be at least mid-twenties. She's barely been able to live.

“No.” This whole thing. It really was an accident. I don't think she's ever held anyone against their will, not like me anyway, not here. She was quite happy mercilessly killing and I threw a wedge in her plans. This house, the locks, the boarded-up windows, the holes in the wall. This was her prison once too and now it's mine. Deep down I can tell she hates this.

“Enough questions.” She moves closer, her chains clanking through the air grating at my ears before she stops by the edgeof the bathtub holding out a towel for me and I exchange a quiet smile. A smile I know she understands. A thank you for aiding me through the catastrophe we’ve endured in the last twelve hours.

I stop pushing, finishing up before attempting to crawl out of the bath, almost falling on my face.I really do need rest.Her arms cushion my fall, pulling me back to balance on my feet.

“Next time I'm letting you fall.” She voices her irritation. But in reality, she doesn't need to coddle me. She never had to. She chooses to.

“Next time I'll take you with me.” She cocks her sinister little brow at me, laughing internally at my unrealistic remark. We both know she wouldn't budge.“Is this the part where you tuck me in and read me a bedtime story?” I giggle quietly to myself and I forgot I had that in me.

“In your Dreams.”She’s told me enough stories for one day, I'm sure I can give her the night off.

My hair is sopping wet and I don't think it's been tended to at all since I got here. It's probably a matted ball of chaos but I hadn't really thought about it. Luckily my hair doesn’t need much attention. I have my mom’s genes and usually it’s knot free, but weeks of neglect has finally caught up. I slip into warm clothes trying to shake my chill, looking around at my things littered across her bedroom. Things I’ve never picked up on until now. My clothes on the chair, blankets multiplying on the bed, my elephant teddy by the pillow and Shep lounging across clean clothes that I’m still unsure how she washes.

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