Page 39 of Collateral Damage

My breathing labours as I glare at her with utmost confusion.

“I will stop at nothing to rain hell on anyone who thinks they can take you away from me..."

I'm looking for a meaning behind those words and they are staring me in the face.

“Do it…”

She's testing me. This game of cat and mouse is exhausting.

“Pull the trigger…”

She closes in on the space between us, grazing against my ear lobe, and my tummy flutters again. The hairs are rising and my irrational thoughts take over.

Power. I feel it, I feel that power she speaks of. Her life's at the end of this gun and I am now holding her life in my hands.Pull it and be free of this nightmare. Or get out and suffer her chasing me to the ends of the earth, just as she did my father. Either way, neither are feasible. She's made her stain, wormed her way into my subconscious. Even 6ft under, I will picture her face even when trying to lay at rest and escape my reality.

My impulses win, pulling the trigger until it clicks. Squeezing my eyes to soften my blow.

…

Play - ‘Cut The Rope - Charlotte OC’

“Did you really think I'd make it that easyPuppet?…” Her paint is rubbing against my cheek and I can no longer feel the heart beating in my chest. She's taken it from me.“Did daddy teach you,nothing?!...”The guns ripped from my hand, thrown out of sight and out of mind. Leaving just us as shields against one another but I know she doesn't need a weapon to harm me.

“First rule.”

Her fingers trace my chin, tugging my focus to meet her gaze.

“Always, check the mag…”

She's being vigorous yet her words are constructive criticism. Much like training. I've pushed her and still she resists her urges to punish me.

…

“You'd be dead right now.” Her middle and index finger rest against my temple, mimicking a blow. Paranoia lacing her tongue.She's fearful of my death.That's not the words of someone who wishes to see your end. It's the words of someone who wants to see you fight. She's irritated that I'd of lost that fight for being too timid.

“Are you going to hurt me?…” I think some sick and twisted part of me secretly wants her to break her morals. I'm tampering with her nurture to harm, against her natural instinct to protect what is now her property. Under her roof, that is all I am.

A Puppet.

“Have I hurt you?” It's been two months and truthfully, she's not laid a finger on me that wasn't deserved, and no amount of prodding has driven her to my death. Only drawingmycuriosity out.

“No…” I look at my feet so she doesn't see the desperation in my face.Honestly. I cannot feel right now. I'm in a state of limbo. A numbing sensation worse than death. I feel like I'mtrying to chase some sort of high?Fear. I should be terrified to face the consequences but instead I'm drawing them out.

“So why would I start now?...” I've done everything I possibly can to make her react and still she resists me,why is she resisting me!?

“Because I tried to escape…” Maybe escaping wasn't my goal. Maybe I wanted a fight. Because at least physical pain is tangible. You cannot escape its wrath.

“Do you want me to hurt you?...” I don't make a sound as she forces me to look at her. My silence is her answer. I'm pleading in a language I know she'll understand, too afraid to say the words out loud.

…

“Aahhhhhhh… I get it nowww… This was all a little game. Wasn't it?” I don’t want to admit it to myself but I think she is right. My entire life I have been hidden from the world. From danger, from anything that could ruin my perfect little life, I've never experienced adrenaline,fear.I’m learning that it’s exhilarating. It makes you feelalive.And I know I sound crazy, but this house has held much worse. I’m finally beginning to understand the way she was built. Broken pieces from different machinery not meant to go together.

“Are you going to punish me?…” It wasn’t a question. It was an invitation, and I don't even know what I'm inviting in but something inside me is yearning for physical touch. To lose myself in someone else.Is that normal?

“Do you want me to punish yousweetheart? Just say the wordbabyand I will give you the most mind-blowing punishment you've ever fucking had.” She made that sound so inviting I drop my jaw as my muscles relax, feeling a beat between my legs as her thumb finds my bottom lip in the dark.

“What does that mean?…” How can pain be pleasurable? Is that what she is implying?That’s absurd.

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