Page 28 of Collateral Damage

“Big D.” I hold back a smile, trying not to laugh as a gaspy huff leaves her mouth.

“Very funny…”

“Just call me Hays.”

Play - ‘Get You The Moon - Kina, Snow’

“Done.” She continues her path and I follow quietly behind her. She rummages through her living room for the first movie and sticks it in the video player. Watching her acting so normal is unsettling, unnatural to the monster I know. We sit there all day going through the franchise barely uttering a word, just trying to enjoy normality as Shep sits as a barrier between us. A day without violence, a day without blood, only through a TV screen where it isn’t real, the only place itshouldbe. She watches unphased while I pretend that certain scenes still don’t make me heave as I replay today in my head on loop, barely paying any attention to the screen, analysing everything she told me. She shared so much in the little words that she spoke. I have been unable to think about anything else but one thing stood out to me and I finally cut the silence.

“What did you mean earlier? When you said about not being here much longer?” My knees are tucked under my chest, nuzzled into the sofa she has been sleeping on, God knows what has been on this couch, it looks older than this house.

“Do you think you’re the only person who wants the easy way out?” She doesn’t move, still fixated on the screen as I burn a hole into the side of her head with my eyes.

“Why haven't you?” I don't understand, if she didn’t want to be here, why is she still hanging on and why is she stringing me along with her when we both want the same thing?

“Plans change.” She crosses her arms, sinking into the sofa with her legs spread, finding her new comfy spot and by her change of tone, that change of plan is sat in this room.

“You mean me?...” My thumb threads through my fingers, guilty for being the reason she is still breathing but for some reason, part of me feels slightly honoured. There have been multiple times since my arrival things could have gone horrifically different but they haven’t, not even with her other plans interrupted by me.

“Something like that.” She doesn’t agree, but I know I am right. She’s drummed it into me that I interrupted her plans, that I was not wanted. But if I am so unwanted then why am I still untouched. Why am I still here?

“Do you still want to?...” Even through her painted smile, I can see hurt all over her face. Not even a fake one can hide your emotions for long, a mask is a temporary fix.

“Yes.” She replies sharply without hesitation and my throat closes. I'm trying to understand her but it's encrypted messages, a small part of me aches for her and I hate that she is pinching at my empathy like a vulture. I suppose I am dead. I died that day along with them and I don't think I've been the same since, I don't think I ever will be and that terrifies me, learning this new version of me that has to face life alone. Truly I've spent my entire life living in the clouds. She is right, I chase a world that doesn't exist, I dream of the impossible just to get through life and no one's ever said it like that before. I became a writer to escape my daily life and fall in love with a world beyond this. And she's shown me how ugly it can really be without harming me,

Physicallyharming me.

“I'm sorry.” I whisper under the screams coming from the TV hoping she doesn't hear me but she does.

“Say sorry again and I'll wash your mouth outPuppet.” My eyes bulge slightly as I crawl into the corner of the sofa cuddling my legs like a puppy being told off. I can feel my eyes getting heavy, resting my face against the back of my hand as I continue watching the movie.

She said I shouldn't have existed?What does that mean?Did she not do her research before she raided my house? Maybe they don't do that but I was under the impression there is a personal vendetta here that I'm missing.

“Was my Dad part of this?” I see her knuckles clench and she ignores my question like the plague as she gets up off the sofa, walking towards the dining room table for my insulin before handing it to me.

“You should get some sleep,” my heart drops. Her silence confirms my question without words and I bite my tongue, frustrated that she won't be honest with me. “I will be out tomorrow, not sure when I'll be back.” She sits back on the sofa next to me, slightly closer and I gently pull my legs away, afraid to touch her.

“Work?” I ask, knowing the answer beyond that simple and harmless question.

“Work.”She replies calmly and glances at me. I shudder knowing what that actually means, but for today, life is normal and it's like she's playing along with me so I can forget.

C H A P T E R 18

GIVE ME A SMILE

Puppeteer

Play - ‘Face It - NF’

The telly roars and I half expect it to wake her up but she is zonked out next to me. That insulin really does kick her into another dimension. I have a disgusting urge to pick her up and carry her to bed, but that's far too romantic for me.Eww. Instead I grab my duvet and place it gently over her, tucking it in underneath her little body. She looks so peaceful when she sleeps it almost makes me jealous. I can't remember the last time I had a decent night's sleep.

I turn the telly off and creep around the living room, biting the bit for a fucking cigarette. I've managed to go all day without smoking one and I'm more than Saw'd out. We watched all bloody six of them, who knew a little thing like her enjoyed watching shit like that. Although now it makes sense as to why she referred tobody parts.

I make my way outside, careful not to wake her and lock the door silently behind me, heading over to the beaten and bruised car sitting in the middle of the overgrown lawn. This car's nearly as old as me. She loved this pile of junk so it stayed. I was tempted to get it removed but that was too much hassle so now it sits looking ugly, barely visible buried in amongst the overgrown weeds. It's become my comfort place as I climb on top of the roofand perch with my legs over the side, lighting one up as I glare at the night sky. It's not so bad tonight but it's still nippy.No hot water bottle for her. After today it feels wrong of me to put her back in that room, I just hope I don't fucking regret it. She's already made a playground of my house once but something shifted in the air today.I don't know what.

I look down at my phone.

21:52

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