Page 119 of Collateral Damage

Then never, I’ll wait.

Hayley.

I can barely see the paper in front of me through my sea of tears, as the pouch with the key falls into my lap, reading it over and over and over again until I memorise every word, wishing she was here to say this all to me in person and I could kiss her until our lips were sore and my eyes dried up. I stare at it for what feels like hours, imagining her sitting in front of me and I think this closure is what I needed. It’s like she’s suddenly still here beside me, undeniably present through her words even though she is no longer physically with me and I clutch at the paper trying to fuse myself into the parts of her she finally let me see. Being vulnerable and kind. I was never sure how she really felt and I know I said it never bothered me but this, this is what I needed to hear all along. I just wish it was not through paper. But her words of encouragement are working as I beam a smile I cannot control and I wet my pyjama top with my rivers suddenly feeling an emotion so overwhelming it stuns me and my cheeks begin to hurt from grinning so wide. A genuine smile. Not a fake image people want to see to make themselves feel better. I’ve spent my entire life smiling my way through this numbness that seems to take a hold of me. I’ve not smiled in so long this is giving me jaw ache.

Hope.

For the first time in two years, I can feel it, brewing inside me like boiling oil. I know what I want to do. I know what I need. My life is not over yet.

??

Play - ‘Wait - M83’

“Wow. This really does look like a junkyard.” Kacey blurts out as we drop our belongings on the gravel outside the car door, glaring like she’s slightly terrified.

“Hey!” I scowl at her, nudging her in the shoulder playfully as I shake my head, clutching the letter in my hand as I look at her grave.

Since reading her letter, it took some convincing but Kacey and her parents allowed me to go through the paperwork and get her home in my name, so it’s now officially mine and I can’t remember the last time I smiled this big as I stare at it in its miserable state, overgrown and even more tatted with broken walls and dirty exterior. It needs heavy TLC but that is ok.

Being here feels like my missing piece has finally slotted into place. The place I should loathe has unknowingly been my cure. I didn’t come back, purely because I was not allowed, not because I didn’t want to. But it’s been two years and the house was left to me so I’ll be damned if they try to keep me away from it any longer. I belong here.With her.With our memories and our trauma embedded in the paint and soil.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” She questions me softly, rubbing my arm as she smiles delicately.

“I’ve never been more sure about anything.”

I can feel her, she’s right here with me and it’s making my eyes water as the familiar air wafts under my nose and through my chocolate hair that I’ve refused to cut, no matter how muchKacey pleads to chop it off. My hair is the only remnant of our growth I have left. I play with it excessively, almost ripping it out as if it's a coping mechanism but I guess that's better than drinking or drugs.

“My skin is crawlingggg.” Kacey has matured rapidly in the last couple of years, but you will never take the privilege out of her. This place must be making her feel like a peasant and I can’t help but snigger as she rubs her skin trying to shake her chills.

“You scared of ghosts Cici?”

“Rara!”

“I’m kidding! There are no bodies buried on the property.I promise.”She rolls her eyes, clutching to her bags as she picks up my belongings off the stone. The same stone she pinned me down on with a gun in my mouth and I flush strawberry red at the thought.

“Well that's comforting.” She didn’t have to come, I told her I’d go on my own but she insisted she come with me and it was weirdly comforting, knowing she is willing to step into my trauma with me full force without judgement. “SO! You gonna give me a tour or what?”

Something inside me ignites, realising I’m about to walk back in and I thought I’d be terrified but I feel strangely content as I look back at Shep who's practically jumping out the window trying to reach the house. He knows where we are and as I open the car door he bolts for the porch like his life depends on it. I grab my bags and we make our way towards the door where he's impatiently waiting, whining as he claws underneath it. I open it with the key she provided me and the door creaks open revealing the heart of the house as well as the grave, trying to suppress those memories only to realise that suddenly I cannot feel that weighted pressure or see her blood on my hands anymore.We are moving forward Alo…This is good. This is a good thing. Just breathe.

Call me crazy but I can still smell her like she’s standing right next to me. I’m about to throw the whole painting idea out the window just to hoard the smell as long as I can, hoping it seeps into the walls a while longer, shutting the door quickly to trap it in and Kacey looks at me in shock, trying to slip a silly smile when Shep immediately lays in a specific spot that takes my breath away.

The spot she lay as she died in my arms.

“Where am I sleeping?” She pulls me out of my thoughts as I pick up my jaw and if I am honest, I was so fixated on getting here that sleeping arrangements weren't exactly on my list of priorities, nor did I think she would even want to stay, it’s why she followed me in her own car.

“Cici, you don’t have to stay, I’ll be fine I promise.” I grab her hands, looking up at her to try and make her see that I am totally fine. I haven't felt this good in a long time.

“You meannnnn, leave my best friend here in an abandoned bungalow that was previously owned by a literal serial killer that, did I forget to mention, was my best friend’s girlfriend and could kidnap you while you’re sleeping in ghost form? No thank you. I’m staying.”

I let a little snort slip, followed by her cute little laughs as we imagine being kidnapped by a ghost of all things and laughing feels so good. I forgot how much it warms your soul, feeling more comfortable laughing now that I’m where I belong, and she can see me laughing only for her.

“Fineeeeee.” I drag out a sigh, smiling with her and I’m so grateful I have had her through this. She’s made it bearable.

“Is this really where you stayed for eight months?” Her eyes wander but for once I don’t see judgement. I just see empathy and sorrow which I’ll admit is slightly strange coming from someone so hot headed and cold to anyone that is now not me. Especially a serial killer she has had to warm to over the years.It’s the only way I could remotely cope but I’ve still never told her too much. All she knows is what she’s read and she has never been a reader, she said it was for nerds. She’d rather hear it from me or she’s read bits and pieces on the internet.

I nod sincerely as she gawks over at the kitchen.

“Is that the infamous kitchen islandddd?” I suck in my lips, trying to contain my embarrassment feeling my cheeks burn and she glares at me to spill as I just barely nod ayes.“Rara!!! Was it good?…”

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