I have nothing left.
I Love You Hayley.X x x
I exhale a worn sigh, glaring at the blob of transparent liquid where my tears are bleeding onto the page, like I’m trying to reach her through my words and I close it. I glare at the bathroom door for a moment before looking back at Shep. I kiss him deeply on his nose, smothering him in all the love as I cuddle him, feeling his warm embrace so I can share it with her once I get there.
“I’m sorry boy…” I walk to the bedroom door and let him out so he can run for the garden like our usual routine and smile gently at him before heading for the bathroom and making my way inside to grab my medication and a glass of water. I peer into the glass as I hold it in the shaky mould of my hand to fill it before placing it on the side of the sink, glaring at all this medication I'm on as I spill it across the basin.I never liked medication.The pills create a seabed of stones against the white china, feeling a strangely comforting relief wash over me. Livingevery day in a world you no longer feel welcome in is the hardest burden to bear but it will all stop soon. I’ll be able to drift off and feel her warm embrace as she cradles me in her arms and tells me how silly I am for giving up so soon. But I think I'm ok with that.
I glare at the capsules, reminding me that they are to aid me. And aid me they will as they lead me to their biggest accomplishment. They are about to save my life as I roll one against my fingertips ready to rest the first on my tongue when a gentle noise makes itself known by my left. I turn my head slowly to find the envelope by the bathroom door near Sheps paw, clawing at it like he too wants answers, whining in distress that causes my brows to knit as he manages to pick it up in his mouth and drops it at my feet. I peer at it for a good minute. Trying to understand who the hell I would get a letter from but at least it distracts me for a minute, dragging my feet to pick it up as I go to sit back on the bed, glaring at my name before opening it gently, watching it tear at the smallest of movement, frail and stale as I slide it out from its blanket and my eyes lock, almost immediately pooling with uncontrollable tears.
Play – ‘Would’ve been you - Sombr’
My Little Dreamer,
If you are reading this, it means I was unfortunately not here to say this to you in person. And for that I am so sorry. But I needed you to know all the things I never had the nerve to tell you in person if I haven’t said them already and I know wherever I am right now I am kicking myself for not saying them to you sooner.
I hope you had an epic 21st birthday Puppet but God I hope you were sensible with your alcohol. Wouldn’t want you falling asleep in someone else's arms now. That place is only reservedfor me and I wish I was there with you, to tell you how beautiful you look tonight and kiss you at midnight but I’m not, so I can only write it on paper.
You look beautiful Alora.
I can’t predict the future, but If I’m gonna take a wild guess, I probably didn’t make it to that cell did I?
I hope you are taking good care of my boy. I knew as soon as he met you that I’d lost him to you but I was ok with that. He loves you so much, maybe more than me and that’s saying something. He's a good boy and I hope he’s keeping out of trouble.
I really was ready to risk it all for you. I knew it had to be done, the only way we could have worked was if I tried to right my wrongs, even if death was inevitable, and I’m assuming it didn’t quite go to plan but that is ok. Because that means you have all the more reason to get your ass to Spain. With or without me. Got it?
Call me old fashioned but I put everything I own in your name. I don’t exactly have anyone else to leave anything to, so this is your birthday present from me. I instructed for you to receive this letter on your birthday and my spare key is in the little pouch to my pile of junk. If I don’t end up giving you this letter, knowing you it would be painted and smothered in plants by now and I’m totally ok with that. Just don’t put them in my garage.
But if not, I understand if you don’t want any of it. Sell it, burn it. It’s totally up to you.
I just want you to know, I don’t regret a damn fucking second with you. Even when you were trying to rip my head off, when you pushed me to find my worth again. At the beginning I resented it. I didn’t understand why you were fighting so hard for something broken. Until you showed me what being loved by someone truly felt like. Never giving up on me. Never lettingme sink when I felt like I was drowning. But most importantly, I got to be loved by you. So I guess my luck wasn’t so bad after all. I found my light I’d happily let take my life. You took my life by storm baby. I’d happily let you end me. But most importantly, I’d live for you. I want to spend the rest of my broken little life with you by my side and it means I’ll probably have to spend the next ten years of my life in a box but it doesn’t seem so daunting when you have something to fight for. Like I want you to fight for me now. You better have published that book! I’m still mad you never let me read anything you wrote, so I may have been sneaky and took a look while you were sleeping.
And I. Love. You. Too. Alora. I Love You so fucking much my heart physically swells at the thought of you. I wish I let you in sooner. I wish I let you Love me like you wanted to. I wish I wasn’t so frightened to love you in fear I’d fail you or hurt you further. I was a sinking ship.
The truth is, I knew I loved you the day you wore that silly little dress. I just didn’t understand it. I didn’t know I was capable of adoring someone so deeply I’d fish for the light lost inside my darkness in hopes you’d chase it like a moth. The same light I saw in you. That glimmer of momentary happiness I’d been searching for my whole life. I wasn’t sure if you’d chase it but you did more than chase it. You gave me yours and since you walked into my life, I saw colours clearer.
What I’m trying to say is. You are so fucking special, and I hope you never waste that. You light up a room just by standing in it. So I want you to stand in as many damn rooms as you can.
I hope this clarified just how crazy I am about you. And how I’m beginning to see why people search for Love.
It’s not a disease. It’s a cure. It’s not painful, it’s healing. It’s not punishable. It’s a reward.
So don’t you dare let mine go to waste. You will fucking live for me. You will do everything you set out to do and I will be right here with you. You hear me? Or I may just have to haunt you in your nightmares, although I’m sure you’d like that.
This is not goodbye, Little Dreamer. We will see each other again, I promise. Maybe it’s a good job I’m dead. I may of just popped it from second hand embarrassment. You know this is not my thing and I hope you’re crying happy tears at how silly I sound as I bleed on paper for you. If you even remember me. Maybe you have moved on and now I’m just a stranger.
But you, Alora D’arcy Blackthorne.
You were my beginning. And you will be my end.I’d fucking die for you. And If you’re reading this, it probably isn't far from the truth. I can’t wait to tell you the very reason my ‘never’came true and I hope I get to by the time you read this, and I know you said you’d wait for me, but ‘never’is a very long time to wait for a love that may falter when it was doomed from the start. So I need you to do something for me. Ok?
I need you to let me go. I need you to know it’s ok to move on. I want you to bloom, myLittle Sunflower.
And I know that right now, whatever happened, you’re blaming yourself for it. I know you’re saying sorry but don’t. I don’t want you to blame yourself for something that was inevitable. I deserved this. I owed this to you. My life was an apology to you and I should have gone a long time ago. It would have saved you so much pain so please, do not feel guilty for my surrender. I’m at peace now. I finally did the right thing.For You.
Don’t ever stop searching for that happiness Innocence. It’s out there. It may just look different.
I’m right here. You just have to listen to the whistling in the trees and the way the leaves dance in the wind, the ripples in the sea and the voices in your beating heart.
Until we meet again baby. In another life. I’ll be waiting. But right now, it’s not your time. Ok?Don’t wait for me, live for me. Live like every day may be your last so you have thousands of stories to tell when I get to kiss you again.