Page 105 of Collateral Damage

I slowly crack open my eyes, trying not to move suddenly in case she pushes me away, discreetly adjusting my cheek as I nuzzle into her warmth, melting into her embrace as I become hyper aware of her muscular arm wrapped around my tiny waist and I don’t know why but I want to cry. This overwhelming sense of pride and accomplishment makes me fight back a smile. I can hear her heart beating against my ear, slow and rhythmic like mine, admiring my new favourite melody underneath her rib cage, beating just for me as I take in the scent of her, the REAL her, underneath the petrol and leather. Her bare essence fills me up like a drug, feeling my eyes well with a feeling so intense I don’t know what to do with it. I’ve never felt so safe.So at peace. This is all I’ve wanted for months and she's finally comfortable enough to let us cuddle like, dare I say, acouple.As much as I wished for this the first time we slept together, I was not at all surprised to wake up to an empty bed. In fact I'd predicted that would have been the case. This is not her thing,or it wasn’t.I don’t know what has changed but she's finally letting her barrier down and content doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel right now. She’s still laying her hand underneath mine to keep me from touching her bare skin against her chest but this is more than enough for me. Wiggling to get more comfortable inside her, I barely even cover a quarter of her, even when laying on her frame like this.

She lets out a heavy sigh as she runs her delicate fingers through my still matted hair from earlier like she's about to say something and she does. Although not at all what I was expecting.

“He was a monster…” She knows I'm awake and she speaks as if she's been dwelling on it for hours. I don’t know what the time is but it must be late, or early? As the birds are singing outside and the room is spilling with gold.

“Is that why you are sad? You’re thinking about him?” I ask softly, squeezing her fingers in mine like a newborn baby to their mother.

“No. Just defeated.” She sounds defeated. Is this why she's being this way? She's given up trying to punish herself, finally learning that love is far greater than suffering?

“Talk to me.” I rub the pads of her fingers, letting us live deeply in probably the most intimate moment we’ve ever shared, feeling my throat knot, knowing how far she has come, how she's grown into the kind parts of her I saw from the beginning, admiring what a sight it is when she's accepting something that was ripped from her at such a young age. Physical, tender contact.Love. Her softness is so delicate it's slightly terrifying when I know of the blood she's spilt but her sins are now mine.

“I’ve spent my entire life trying to fill a void and in doing so I’ve become what I feared. It never made me feel better. It only left me more alone, I isolated myself by being destructive, believing I was doing the world a favour when really I was only destroying myself. Depriving myself of happiness and a chance at a new beginning. I ruined it and now it’s too late.” It's like the cloud over her head has finally disappeared and she's seeing clearly for the first time. Feeling her distress through her fingers as she presses them a little harder into my scalp, massaging it through my messy hair.

I lift my head to look up at her already looking down at me and her eyes make me fall off the edge, sinking deeper into her ocean where her current washes me away.My Home.Finally uncovering more of her.

“This is your new beginning. Us. I will help you to find whatever it is you need to find. You just have to let me all the way in.” I gesture to her heart as I lift her hand with mine, placing it on her chest, smiling at the way she’s looking at me like I’m her whole existence and I suppose now I am.

“It’s not that simpl-” Before she has a chance to finish I pull myself out from under the blanket, dragging it with me as I hold it in front of my chest, sitting on my knees to face her as my thumb runs the length of her jawline.

“Sure it is. Being here with you is like breathing and I know you feel that too.” She nuzzles into the palm of my hand and I could swear my heart stops for a moment, taking in this rare sight.She's accepting my tenderness?Intentionally seeking it out as she shuts her eyes, like she's focusing solely on my touch.

“Of course I do…” she confesses and a stray tear leaks down my hot cheeks, wiping it away quickly before her eyes meet mine again.

“What are you so afraid of?” I want her to tell me her deepest, darkest secrets, her biggest fears, her silly habits she has told no one. I want her to tell me everything.

“God, you make this seem so easy…” she blows out a worn-out breath, finally flopping into my hand as I cradle her defined cheekbone.

“It is easy. You just have to trust me.” I crawl closer to her on my knees, leaning in so she can’t look anywhere but me, my eyes sitting on her tongue for an answer.“Will you trust me?”

At first she doesn’t reply. Resilient to my question as she lines the edges of her teeth with her tongue.

“This isLove, Hayden. Let me show you why I will alwaysLoveyou.”

She doesn’t respond but I can read the answer in her face. It's become something I’m quite good at as she hates talking about heremotions. Maybe I should buy her a journal and make her write down all her thoughts. It might quieten her mind.

I climb on top of her frame, for once not paying mind to how wide she stretches me out as I look down at her sitting against the metal bar, building up my courage as I place one hand followed by the other against her inky muscles, letting my fingers move against her ridges and I can feel her tensing underneath me like I’m about to stab her with a needle, rolling out the discomfort in her face as she squints.

“It’s just me and you.” I whisper to her ghost, coaxing her back out and she eventually breaths slower once more, putting her trust in me, passing her ghost to me as I crawl closer, now inches from her neck, wanting to lick and kiss all her beautiful artwork.

I kiss softly against the column and she sucks in a sharp breath, slowly letting it back out as my lips trail her shoulder and just under her chin. She lets me and I see no signs of distress so I keep going, relishing in the taste of her skin as her stomach muscles tense against my lips, blessing her battle scars with a pretty kiss and I didn’t realise just how many she had coating her body, hidden beneath all her tattoos. It makes me want to weep. To cuddle her tightly and never let her go.Ever. I peer at the contrast between our bodies. Mine still so pure and full of life, so tender and untouched, against hers that has survived war and stood strong against its past. We are so entirely different but I long for her in ways I never thought possible. We may be opposites but there is something inside me that understands her in ways even I can't explain. A longing for acceptance. Our pasts are so different yet I'm drawn to this pain we both share.It's a magnet. It might simply be that I have no one else, but I know that it's more than that. And it has been for a long time, I was just too stubborn to see it. I trace the craters in her body delicately, feeling tears push against my lash line.

He really was a monster. But she was not. Only his prodigy. She is a victim to our bullshit system. Just thinking about it sets me in a flush of irritation as I absorb more of her and by the time I’m done, her head is back against the wall, almost like she is slightly enjoying it. And it’s about time.Who doesn’t love kisses?But I don’t push it, stopping to respect the little I did get. I will eventually kiss every square inch of her. But not yet. Not today. We have a lifetime for this.

She pulls her head back up at me, giving me a look as if to saywhy did you stopbut she pauses, wiping the stray tear I didn’t catch before it escaped.

“No tears. We won’t have that. You hear me?” I don’t even know why I’m crying.Relief? Peace?Seeing her so natural with me. This normality in our own little world built on damage and pain. The life beyond these walls would call me crazy for the way I feel for her and I guess I am. But I’m not afraid to admit it anymore. Behind this journey she accidentally threw me into, it’s been the most interesting part of my life. I don’t know what that truly says about me and my sheltered life but I start living now. I never want to go back to being a bird in a cage. Here I have freedom as well as control and it's comforting.

There is not a day I don’t think about what she did and I've mourned my parents in my own way. Sleepless nights and nightmares. Vomiting and neglecting my health. But they are all things she was there by my side for, holding my hair and holding my hand for and it's twisted. It's messed up.I know that. But my empathy runs so deeply that I see through my own pain to reach hers and I understand. Like I can finally tell she isunderstanding that everything she made herself was wrong and distasteful but it was to survive.

She was just trying to survive.

“When this stops beating. So will mine.” I lean into her personal space, laying on her stomach waiting for her to nudge me off but she doesn’t. Only speaks with concern.

“You promised me you’d live to see your 21st.” Her words are heavy with worry and I don’t understand why.

“You talk like we won't make it that far. We will. And you can make me a terrible birthday cake and tell me how beautiful I look in another yellow dress.” I joke playfully, trailing my fingers against her chest, dancing with the patterns against her skin but I look up at her stern expression.

“Promise me baby.”She says harshly but her eyes are soft and I knit my brows.

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