Page 102 of Collateral Damage

I’ve never seen her so fucking alive and I can’t take it. This guilt chewing me up from the inside knowing that one day shewill resent me for keeping her from a life far greater than this one.

I wipe the stray tear leaking down my cheek, admiring what may be the last and only, truly happy moment I've ever got the pleasure of experiencing. Something I'll cherish to my grave and tell people all about on the other side. The way her hair dances in the wind, her silhouette against the dim glow. Is this what heaven feels like? Maybe death won’t be so bad after all, she’s made living seem easy. Breathing is easier. Life is easier and this is what I want but I'm too broken to have it, I don’t deserve it. I need to do my time and pray she’ll be waiting for me on the other side. If she hasn’t settled down with someone else by then. I’ll wait the next twenty years if I have to. I exhale a deep, defeated sigh, staring at the next twenty years of my life, swallowing my pride, knowing it isn’t going to be pretty. But for her I'll do anything. I’ll do this.For her.She will live her life with or without me. I’ll make sure of it.

My heart beats to the sounds of the waves and my knuckles whiten at the thought of living the next chapter of my life without her in it, trying to tell myself I’m being fucking ridiculous but I’ve never been more morally sane. She brings out the good in me I loathe but it’s not so bad whenshe’smy outcome. I’ll suffer punishment worse than death if it means I get toLoveher. I pause for a moment, realising, that is the first time I’ve admitted the word to myself and it terrifies me. How could she say it so carelessly? How does she even know the meaning of the word? But then again, how do I? I don’t. But I know that I want to be by her side for the rest of my miserable life and I can’t do that until I'm free from my sins, my burdens. My wrong doings. Something I cannot escape or run away from, it's never going to go away, I need to face this head on and take responsibility for my mistakes, I need to do good by her. She is my beginning for a better life. I need to cut this rope and set herfree so I can heal, work on bettering myself for her. This change is needed for us both.

She smiles at me, laughing with nothing but raw joy and I know this won’t be easy for her but she’s a tough cookie, she’s dealt with far worse than this. She’s stronger than she thinks and I hope she'll keep the happy memories of me with her. These last few months have shown me that redemption is possible and I'll try to be the person she wants me to be. Even if it kills me, at least I know I tried to do something good, for once in my life.

I stand to my feet as she runs for me, her arms embrace me, hugging my neck as I lift her to wrap around my waist, she looks down at me and I’m finding it hard to keep my emotions in for once. What the hell is this?

“You ok?” She whispers to me, kissing my cheek gently and it takes everything in me not to break. I’ll be ok when she’s running into my arms a decade from now, telling me everything she’s achieved while I've been gone.

“Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?” My words immediately bring her to tears, giggling into my shoulder to hide her bashful cheeks that warm up my soul. I won’t ruin this moment. I’ll leave it till tomorrow. Right now I just want her to taste this freedom, so it’s easier. So she doesn’t hate me completely. I swallow my unspoken words, listening to my favourite song as she sings to me wearing a smile so big it could scare my demons away.

“You’re so silly.”

“Promise me something.”Her laugh fades into a soft smile, frowning her brows at me with curiosity.“Promise me, no matter what happens, you’ll live the most epic twenty first birthday.” Her curiosity turns to concern as she strokes my cheek, still making me twitch.

“Why are you saying it like that?” I wish I could tell her why. But it’s better if I didn't.

“Just promise me?”

She looks for the doubt in my eyes and she agrees, pecking me on the lips softly and she knows not to ask more questions.“I promise...”

Her playful spirit is the only thing keeping my heart beating and that is why I know that this is the right thing to do. She’s revived me.My mission part.She’s given me a second chance to do better. The night I found her I never imagined she would be saving my life and all I’ve done in return is tear hers down.

“Don’t get all sentimental on me now. I’ll think I'm not enough.” She giggles nervously, hanging off my neck and her words draw my mouth to crash against hers. She's more than enough. In this lifetime and the next. I hope I find her so I can tell her over and over again. So I can find myself inside her like a magnet to my soul. The karma I needed to see sense. I rub the softness in her tender cheeks still wet with salty water, brushing her oily strands from her face.

“Alora. You drive me to do unspeakable things.”Like hand myself in when I swore an oath to myself I'd never go back.

Everything in the last eight months, I’ve done for her. My entire existence has been purely for her, so what's another ten years? I didn’t understand at first, why I had this urge to keep my feet on the ground, why I couldn’t let go.Let her go.But now I get it. I’m so stupidlyinLovewith her, I'll go to the ends of the earth just to give her everything I never had. Even if I don't know how, I'll learn. If I don’t fit, I'll adapt. I’ll mould myself into the person she needs me to be if it means I get to see the world and grow old with her. I thought I was incapable of Loving anyone. That it was a sickness, and it is, I’m lovesick for someone and I've found it’s the most bittersweet remedy to cure this numbness. ThisendI worshipped, praying for it to cure my loneliness. It did. She ismy beginningas well asmy end.

A cool breeze grazes her skin as the sun finally falls behind the edge of the world leaving us in a shadow cast by my inner emotions only amplifying my hold on her.My little light.She’s consumed it as I look intomy Sunflower, soaking in her balls of paradise as I melt into her soft pools of honey. Holding the last of my hope in my hands never wanting to let it go as she quivers against me before I put her down, sitting down with her to capture the last few moments of this sunset.

She rests her head against my shoulder, looking just as at peace with the world as I am right now before she lets out a soft sigh.

“What now?” She asks softly, sounding just as frightened as I do on the inside as she runs her fingers against the art wrapped around my hand. I take a moment to try and find an answer to that. Because the answer I have, she isn’t going to like. Biting my tongue as I lean against her, resting my head against her soft hair pressing into my cheek, taking in her sweet scent intertwined with the aura of salt and freedom.

“Let's go homebaby.” She nods her head underneath mine, sprawling out her arms for me to pick her back up, spreading them out as I walk her to the bike like a little bird, planting her ass down to straddle it as I wrap her up in my jacket, immediately warming her back up as I plant a kiss on her sticky little forehead.

We ride for a while when I notice I'm low on fuel, reaching the nearest 24 hour gas station still open on the way back. Its dead with only one person inside behind the tills jamming to their headphones. I cut the ignition, looking around for any other signs of life and we are completely alone besides the CCTV camera overlooking the petrol tanks from behind us and I bite my tongue with anxiety, finding it hard to get my words out.

“You can take your helmet off now.”

“But won’t someone see me?”

“This neighbourhood is dead. Besides, we are hours away from Indiana, the news is not as updated here.”I lie.Squeezing my eyes shut trying to push back down my urge to stop her but she takes it off slowly, nervous to show her face where we could be seen, fluffing her damp hair to air it out and I breath out slowly, dismounting the bike, filling up the tank as I admire her looking incredibly beautiful on the back of my motor.“Wait here. I just gotta go pay.”

I make my way inside, grabbing a Hershey’s bar sat waiting for me to pick it up like it knew I was coming and I grin to myself, knowing this will light up her little face before making my way towards the till, watching him jamming out to whatever tunes he's listening to, almost completely unaware I’m standing here until I put it on the counter.

“Pump five mate.” He peers up at me, swiftly removing his headphones to scan the bar. I look around to catch her face on the wall beside him staring straight back at me.Her hair was so much shorter back then.

Missing persons

Alora Blackthorne

Age 18

Last seen October 30th 2009

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