Page 101 of Collateral Damage

I exhale a few exerted breaths. Realising how unfit I am as she rips me from the shore, dragging me towards the gentle waves.

“Hays! Oh my god! Hayden NO! No! NO PUT ME-” She dunks me in, fully clothed. I cringe at the sensation of wet, cold clothes against my skin. There is literally nothing worse, drenched from head to toe as I glare at her with annoyance but it doesn’t stay long as she admires her drowned little rat. I want to slap her for being so hard to be angry at.

“I guess you’re going to have to take those off.” My head shakes at her pure audacity, trying to hide the smirk creeping up my cheek as she moves towards me against the water, grabbing my top that is now literally see through, stopping her as she goes to lift it up and over my head.

“Only if you do.” She squints at me, taking on board my proposition before slowly pulling her tank top off from the back and I'll never get over how beautifully she's crafted. There are still so many stories embedded in her skin and I will learn every single one of them when she finally lets me. I stare with fascination, finally able to see her in a little more light than her house provides us in its gloomy essence, admiring her battles. Seeing her right now, like this, knowing she’s come so far. How, as much as she hates to admit it,I've found Hayley.

Too fixated on gawking at her like a mean girl on a college campus, she closes the little space left between us, touchingwith feather weight against my skin as she undresses me slowly, biting my bottom lip as I look around for sign of life in case we are being watched but she quickly takes my chin, snapping me back.

“Look at me.” My eyes lock with hers through my lashes and suddenly the world around me stops, so drawn to the currents pushing us against one another that its all I can feel as she undresses me with her heated gaze before slowly riding up my top, never breaking that hold on my throat with just her unspoken language that I finally understand and it’s quite incredible. Telling me that my soul and my body is all she is craving right now as she bounces between my beady eyes.

“Is this set better?” Her remark makes me chuckle, running my fingers through her hands, smiling as she lets me.

“Ok, let's see.” I squeeze my eyes shut, putting myself in our silly little getaway to Spain, feeling the water wrap around my waist, the dimming heat from the sun against my face, her fingers in mine.“Oooo! Yep. Yep! I’m definitely feeling it now.” Sarcasm oozes from my lips, taunting her only to get splashed in the face with water. “I-!”Lovely.

“It’s cold!”

“Best warm up then.” She hits me with another, and another. Until we are playing water wars like little kids and I know this was for me. But she clearly needed this too.

Her mom was right about one thing. You really do find happiness in the more peculiar places. And I wish she was here to witness her little girl. Admiring her carefree spirit where suddenly nothing else matters but this very moment. She’s not being weighed down by her past. By her demons, She’s simply.Free.

We are just simply existing in our own little world amongst the clouds.

I catch my breath before attempting to run towards the sand, failing as I squeak at her grip on my lower body, crashing me down into the water.

“Where do you think you’re going?!” She pulls me underneath her body, letting the waves swallow me as she cradles me. Now accustomed to the temperature of the water as I sit in her arms contently, with her body against mine and I wish I could stop time. Just to live in this moment a little longer. My entire life has led up to this very moment. All I've ever wanted was freedom and I finally feel it. Right here.With her.

I can’t get enough of her kisses, letting them consume every part of me as she rests her lips against mine, softly playing with my mouth, chasing away my worries as I giggle into the white noise of pleasant waves, echoing against the sand as she spins me like one of those rom com movies and I can’t help but laugh harder until it’s broken with her lips against mine.

“How crazy are you feeling?”

I stop mid kiss, questioning her with my eyes.“Whyyy?” I hate that look on her face. Like she's about to do something stupid.

“Stay here.” She makes her way towards the carpark and I admire the incredibly handsome view as I step deeper into the water, letting the sea take me, floating in its embrace.

I always pictured the sea as the current I needed. Something to sweep me away. I imagined it felt like home. Somewhere to get lost in, holding you above water like a bed of flowers and it’s everything I imagined. It’s strong, it’s powerful, it’s full of thousands of secrets only the brave will explore, it submerges your thoughts and lets you think clearly, it can be delicate or vigorous. It’s peaceful.This is peaceful.This is what freedom feels like.

I float there for a while, closing my eyes listening to the muffled world beneath me until it’s interrupted with the soundof her engine, rumbling louder as it approaches me. I pull my head from the water, watching her looking at me from the edge of the shore line and I feel like I’m drooling as I gaze at her, sat on the bike with a cigarette hanging from her mouth. Her wet hair forms gentle curls that fall loosely in front of her face as I try to suck in a grin at how adorable her hair looks when it’s natural, understanding now why she gels it back. She’s glowing in the depleting sunset as it reflects off the bike creating something of a dream.

I stand to wander towards her, trying to figure out what weird and crazy idea she has up her sleeve as I take the cigarette from her mouth, deciding to try again as we are in a rebellious fuck it moment and this time I inhale it a little better, too high on dopamine to care that its pretty gross. She smiles slowly, her teeth peeping through the crack of her side smirk and my butterflies rattle. That look that makes me fold, like she’s infatuated with me, no matter what I do. I could be in a bin bag and she’d probably look at me like I am the next top model.

“Get on.” She ushers her head to the back of the bike and I glare at her with light confusion.We have no safety precautions?“Trust me.”

God dammit.I lunge to the back of the bike as she holds out her hand to help me, strapping myself to her like a backpack as she twists the throttle, riding the stretch of the beach and my grip slowly loosens the further we go, observing the sun going down as I rest my wet mop against her back feeling completely and entirely at peace as the wind takes my hair. I feel her move underneath me, both her hands grabbing for mine as she reaches them out to the side of me, only holding on to her hands and my heart beats out my chest realising she isn’t holding the handlebars but she told me to trust her, and nothing bad has happened yet. If we die I am haunting her even in hell. I reach out my hands and she gently lets go, leaving me there to findmy balance as I feel the fresh sea air against my damp skin, feeling like a bird andThe Notebooksprings to mind, making me smile. I want to quote the movie but I know she would not get the reference, giggling to myself trying to imagine putting her through that movie with me.

“WOOOOOW!” This probably isn’t legal or safe but we are living in the moment and I'm starting to enjoy living life on the edge. This crazy life I've managed to end up in. I’m collateral damage but somehow I feel like it was fate that she found me. Freeing me from myself in ways I don’t think anyone ever could. I’ve found peace in circumstances that were meant to kill me, in pain and sorrow, in ruin and destruction I’ve found a new lease of happiness where I am no longer afraid of living. I’m suddenly afraid of dying and I hope that I find death before she does because I fear an empty hollow world without her in it. Now I finally understand what it means to find an entire universe in one person.

C H A P T E R 59

SELFLESS

Puppeteer

Play - ‘Beautiful Addiction - NF’

The sun suddenly looks redundant compared to her as I look out across the setting sea, leaving us in shallow rays as the clouds grab the last of the light, absorbing it until morning. Watching her dance away all her worries and in this moment, love and guilt dance hand in hand around my head. Staring at something greater than this. Something with potential to change the world. I can’t explain it but its sat in my gut and it’s now I realise that I no longer want to be selfish anymore. I want her to live a life better than this one. A life where she doesn’t have to hide in the shadows and can spread her little wings. Where she chases her dreams and doesn’t have to live in fear. She doesn’t belong here with me anymore. She belongs out there, making the best of how special she is. I’m tying her down and it’s not right. It’s not fair. None of this was ever fair. She’s still caged and it’s not enough. I cannot give her the life she wants. I know that now. I clung to this hope that maybe we would work but seeing her like this.

Alive.

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