Page 21 of Craving Dahlia

But not going home will only make things more complicated. I give the driver my parents’ address, reaching for the soda and taking tiny sips to try to settle my stomach.

The house is still dark and quiet when I get there, and I let myself in, letting out a sigh of relief at having some time to myself. I don’t bother turning on any lights, heading upstairs to my bedroom in the cool darkness, and I sink onto the edge of the bed. I can see the glimmer of the street lights outside, the moon hanging full and heavy in the sky and adding to the light, and I want more than anything in this moment to be home. Back in my own apartment, with everything that’s familiar, and my friends. I could call Evelyn right now, if I were home in New York, and she’d come over. She’d stay the night until I could take the tests in the morning. But I don’t want to text or call her when I’m so far away. She’ll worry, and not be able to do anything to help.

I finally push myself up off of the bed, stripping off the blue dress and laying it over the back of the chair in front of my vanity. I don’t flick on a light until I get to the bathroom, letting out a long sigh as I start to take off my makeup. The familiar routine of my skincare is soothing, and when I’m done, I look fora place to hide the tests where my mother won’t look. I finally decide to leave them in my clutch, tucking it under the pillow next to me in bed. She’s not likely to dig around there, especially if I manage to wake up early enough to take them before she gets up.

I’m not sure if I’ll be able to sleep. But even with my thoughts churning through my head, I’m so exhausted that I barely have time to set an alarm before my eyes are closing, and I fall into a deep sleep.

—

The soundof the alarm jolts me awake, and I’m instantly flooded with dread. All I want is to curl up tighter and pull the blankets over my head, and pretend like none of this is happening. But instead, I know I need to get up and take the test before my mother comes upstairs to lecture me about last night.

Nausea hits me the moment I sit up, and I have just enough time to grab my purse from under the pillow and flee to the bathroom, flipping the lock behind me, before I throw up into the sink.This is fucking miserable,I moan inwardly as I clutch the counter, reaching for the mouthwash to rinse out my mouth before I resignedly reach for the tests.

I can’t look at it while I wait. I set the first one on the counter, setting a timer on my phone and sinking to the floor.I should have made him use a condom.But he wasn’t going to wait for that, and in the heat of the moment, it had felt passionate. Sexy. And hehadpulled out, which means if the test is positive?—

I’ll be one of those unlucky ones for whom that particular method of birth control didn’t work. It’s definitely not reliable, and I know that. But just the one night?—

I squeeze my eyes tightly shut, waiting for the timer to go off. When it does, I quickly turn it off, reaching up behind me to grab the test. When it’s in my hand, I slowly open my eyes, and all the air goes out of me in a rush.

The small, single word in the tiny window is unmistakable.Pregnant.My eyes instantly well with tears, another surge of nausea sending me lurching up to puke into the sink again, the test clattering to the floor. I heave deep breaths as I clutch the counter, trying to think of what to do.

I have to get back to New York. I need to be home while I decide what to do. I need Evelyn, and Genevieve. I can’t figure this out here, with my mother hovering and my father trying to force me to marry Jude. I haven’t given him an answer yet, and I need to leave before he drags one out of me, so I can buy myself some time.

I can’t keep this baby.The thought hits me like a punch, fear warring with dread and a sick feeling of being completely unprepared to make yet another choice. I can’t even imagine myself with a child. I never really have. One of my objections to the marriage with Jude is that children would be expected, and I have no idea if I really want them. I’ve always wanted to be absolutely sure before I made such a monumental decision, and I’vealwaysbeen careful.

Up until that one night. I’d never had sex without a condom before Alek. I’d never felt what that was like before, with anyone, and something tightens in my chest at the thought of that. It’s not as if I were saving that particular act for some special person, but I feel an odd ache at the thought that it was with someone I’ll never see again.

A man whose baby I’m carrying.

I can’t do this.I swallow hard as panic washes over me in a fresh, nauseating wave, trying to think of what to do. A memory of the tattoos on Alek’s hands flash through my head, and mystomach drops as I remember seeing the one that made me think he’s Bratva.What if he finds out?I can’t imagine he’d want me to keep the baby, but what if he did? The thought of him angry with me tightens something low in my stomach that’s fear—and something else, too. Something I don’t want to think too closely about, because the last thing I want to remember right now is how he made me feel that night. How much I might like an excuse to see him again?—

But not like this.

I run both of my hands through my hair, looking up at the mirror and the dark circles under my eyes. He’s not going to find out, and he’s not going to look for me. The fact that he left so quickly that night is all the proof I need that he clearly didn’t want anything else to do with me afterwards. He wanted the same thing I did—a one-night-stand. And while it was unforgettable for me—in more ways than one, now—I don’t think it was nearly as much so for him.

This decision is going to be mine, and mine alone. And I can’t figure it out here.

Glancing at my phone, I can see that it’s early enough that I don’t think my mother will be up for at least another hour, since it’s a Saturday morning. The beginning of a plan starts to form in my head, and I grab the tests, shoving them back into my purse as I rush back out into the bedroom.

I throw as many of my things as I can grab haphazardly back into the little rolling suitcase I brought, searching for a plane ticket in between on my phone. In a matter of minutes, I have the next flight to New York that I can reasonably get to on time booked, and I’m calling an Uber to my parents’ house. I grab my bags, hurrying over to my balcony as I unlatch it.

My bedroom faces out to the pool deck, and there’s a balcony outside of the French doors that has a small staircase coming off of it that leads down to the deck. As a teenager, I thought itwas incredibly luxurious, being able to go directly out to the pool from my bedroom. I never realized just how handy it would be one day as an adult, though.

By the time I make it across the pool deck, resisting the urge to look back and see if anyone has noticed me leaving, the Uber is waiting outside. I throw myself into the car, quickly tapping out a message to Evelyn.

Dahlia:I’m getting a flight back to New York. Can you meet me??? I’ll send a pic of the details.

Evelyn:Of course. Is everything ok????

Dahlia:It’ll be better once I’m home.

I’ve never meantthat last sentence as much as I do in this moment. New York is unequivocally home to me, and I need to be there right now. I need to be surrounded by the things I love, while I try to figure out what to do next.

I do need to tell my mother what I’m doing, though, before she wakes up to find that I’m gone and calls the D.C. police force in a panic.

Dahlia:I woke up feeling even worse. I got an appointment with my doctor in New York and I’m flying home. I just can’t handle any more parties this weekend feeling like this. Tell Dad we’ll figure out the situation with Jude when I’m feeling better.

I hesitate,and then add a quicklove you, before shoving my phone back into my clutch. With any luck, by the time she sees the message, I’ll be on the plane and my phone will be off.

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