Page 45 of Before the Storm

Tara couldn’t sleep that night. Her head felt like a storm. On the one hand, Donnie was after Winnie; he wanted to steal her back. On the other, Winnie was unhappy; she missed Aunt Josie, and she hated Tara.

Tara had built a sensational career. But she didn’t know how to manage her life.

With her daughter, Tara decided to walk lightly the next few days. She surprised her with her favorite foods; she let her stay out late with friends; she didn’t pester her. Twice, she overheard Winnie trying to call Aunt Josie again, and both times, Aunt Josie wasn’t available to talk. Tara herself considered calling Josie, but she imagined Josie saying,What? Do you want to talk to me now? After everything you said to me?Tara was too frightened to face her, even over the phone. She felt so weak.

It wasn’t till the end of the week that Tara’s world ended.

Winnie came downstairs a few minutes before dinner. She was dressed in one of Tara’s favorite sundresses, and her hair was brushed and clean. She looked almost ready for church.

“Hi, honey. You look wonderful,” Tara said because she couldn’t help herself.

Winnie crossed her arms and shifted her weight. Something was up. Maybe she wanted to go to a friend’s place. Perhaps she wanted Tara to drive her to a date.

“I’ve been talking to Dad,” Winnie said.

Tara nearly dropped her spatula. Onions and peppers sizzled in the skillet, but it sounded like they were screaming.

“I beg your pardon?”

“I’ve been talking to Dad, and I want to go visit him for the rest of the summer,” Winnie said. She was firm and polite. There was no love in her voice, but Tara didn’t have the strength to accuse her daughter of not loving her.

“That’s impossible,” Tara said.

“He’s going to take you to court anyway,” Winnie said. “Don’t you want to avoid that?”

Tara could have screamed. She could have thrown the skillet across the kitchen.

Instead, she cut the heat from the stovetop and walked away from the skillet. She poured herself a glass of water and sat at the kitchen table. She felt as though she’d just been hit by a bus.

What had she done wrong to get here?

Why had she pushed Josie away?

Should she have tried to make it work with Donnie? Should she have forgiven him for cheating? Oh, but he was always such a mess! He spent half the money he made on alcohol! He was almost never home to put Winnie to bed!

Should she tell Winnie any of this right now? Should she speak darkly and cynically about Donnie and try to change Winnie’s mind? But Winnie was sure to see right through that.Tara would look just like every other ex-wife on television, talking terribly about their ex-husband to manipulate their children. She didn’t want to be like that.

Tara found that she was so nervous, trying to figure out what to say that she couldn’t speak at all.

But Winnie did the talking for her.

Winnie explained that she wasn’t happy. She explained that she’d always wanted to get to know her father better and that she remembered really loving him before he left when she was six years old.

He left on the night of your Christmas pageant! Tara wanted to tell her. But what Winnie didn’t know couldn’t hurt her. And it was clear that Winnie had made up her mind.

“It’s only a month,” Winnie said. “I want to get to know his new wife and my little brother. And, I mean, I’m just so tired of everything.” She kicked the foot of her chair and looked at the ground. “I need a change, Mom. You know?”

Tara wanted to tell her that life was a series of disappointments and sorrows, a period of never-ending fatigue.

But Winnie didn’t need to hear that. Not now. Not at fourteen.

Tara took a deep breath. She imagined herself alone in the house for the rest of the summer.

Maybe Winnie would have such a bad time with her father that she’d come back to Nantucket with more love in her heart for Tara. Perhaps Donnie’s plan would backfire.

Donnie was an idiot, after all. There was no way he’d changed.

Maybe Winnie just needs a little time away from me, and she’d come back and love me more than ever.

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