Page 48 of Before the Storm

Josie bit her tongue to keep from crying, too. Tara’s face was blotchy and scrunched.

“But you’re back, Josie!” Tara continued. “You’re back, and I don’t want you to go! I need you to stay! Don’t you understand that?”

Josie’s heart was like a stone. Tears drained down her cheeks. Suddenly, Tara turned to put her forehead on Josie’s shoulder and quaked with tears. Josie did her best to calm her down. She even called a flight attendant over to order tea for them both.

But Tara was inconsolable. With their father’s death, everything was coming together in intensity. The list was immense: Winnie leaving Nantucket, Josie leaving and coming back with cancer, their parents leaving, and Donnie cheating. There were piles and piles of painful memories behind them. And now that they were headed to Seattle to see their mother without their father, only more pain awaited them.

After Tara had her tea, she calmed down a little bit. Her eyes were dimly lit, and she couldn’t look at Josie.

But she said, “When Winnie told me she wasn’t going to go to high school in Nantucket, I packed up a lot of her things and mailed them to Donnie’s place. I told her she wasn’t welcome back in Nantucket, not even for Christmas. Can you believe that? I’m worse than Cindy and Bob.”

“You were in pain,” Josie whispered. “Maybe Winnie realizes that now. Maybe that’s why she’s reaching out.”

Tara took a breath. “I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve her empathy. I don’t deserve her kindness.”

Josie squeezed Tara’s hand. “We all deserve second chances. That’s what this trip to Seattle is all about. Remember?”

Tara closed her eyes. Her breathing was ragged.

“How did you get so wise, Josie?”

“Ha.”

Tara shifted so that she fully faced Josie. On the far end of the plane, a baby was crying in a way that made Josie’s heart ache. She’d always had empathy for mothers and fathers on planes. She’d always wondered what it would have been like to be the single most important person in a tiny child’s life.

She’d never been Winnie’s number one, no matter how often Tara believed that.

But she’d loved that girl to pieces.

“I’m not wise,” Josie said. “And I’ve made so many mistakes. You remember how often Winnie reached out to me after I left?”

Tara dropped her gaze.

“You must,” Josie said. “She called me all the time. She wanted to talk about her boy problems, her friends, her school, and puberty. All of it.”

“Because she couldn’t talk to me!” Tara said.

“It’s difficult to talk to our mothers about the important stuff,” Josie reminded her. “I never was able to talk to Mom about anything. Not like you.”

“But I shouldn’t have trusted Mom.” Tara sighed. “Mom left the minute things got tough.”

“We still don’t really know why they left,” Josie said.

“Does it matter?”

“I don’t know,” Josie said. “Maybe not anymore.”

“I know why you left,” Tara said, her eyes widening. “I know I pushed you away during the years after we kicked Donnie out. I know I blamed you for Donnie's cheating. It didn’t make any sense then, and it doesn’t make any sense now. But you were the one who found him with that other woman. And I hated that you found him. I wanted to go on pretending everything between Donnie and me was okay. And it was never okay! Not once!”

Josie’s heart felt squeezed. “I didn’t blame you.”

But this was a lie. When Tara began treating Josie like a stranger in her own home, Josie had been torn up with sorrow. Numerous times, she’d asked Tara if they could talk about it and try to find a way to make peace. But Tara always insisted that everything was fine.

They’d lied and lied and lied and built a huge wall between them.

“I met Joe,” Josie said now. It wasn’t even really a lie. “I met Joe, and he told me that he wanted more children, and I ran away to Manhattan, thinking it was my last shot to have a family of my own.”

“I didn’t know you still wanted children,” Tara whispered.

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