Page 63 of At Her Will

“See you later, man.” As Lawrence moved away from Rev, he stopped to speak to Vera. She smiled and nudged him with her hip, an intimate familiarity, before he moved on.

It got Rev to thinking. When he and Vera came together in the middle of the hallway, her gaze was coursing over him with appreciation. He’d donned the shirt after the flogging, but she’d had him leave it open, the tie folded in his pocket.

“You look like you want to ask me something, Rev.”

“Is Lawrence one of the subs you been with here? Before Ros and he got together? If it’s okay to ask that, Mistress.”

He added the courtesy, but the words held an edge he needed to get rid of fast. He had no hold on her. No hold on anyone. What God gave, God could take away.

The thought conjured Teena Joy and his mother, but he wouldn’t let this be about that. This was about the things he needed to learn about this world, to decide if he could handle them.

“No.” The touch of kindness in her tone told him she understood what he was feeling. “Lawrence was hired to provide protection when Ros was under threat from a local gang. He wasn’t part of this world,” she gestured around her at the club, “though he was in the lifestyle. We could tell when Ros decided he was hers, even before she acknowledged it herself, so he was off limits. Except under her supervision.”

“You’ve…shared him?” His brows rose.

“Once. It was an acceptance ritual. When each of them chose the man she wanted to keep forever, we celebrated and confirmed it among our circle. It differed from man to man, and Lawrence’s ritual was the most hands-on.”

She said it so matter-of-factly, but it sent his mind spinning again. Dismay, arousal, uncertainty, need. Each time he thought he had a handle on it, the emotions kept surging up, like when rough weather was stirring up the Mississippi, so cat’s pawsslapped the bulkheads and sent explosions of foam and river water up onto the land. That ambush meeting in her office, the reaction of his family he still wasn’t sure how to handle, was part of the boiling mixture. It made all of it even more of a struggle to get hold of.

As long as he was sure of the ground under his feet, he could handle a storm. What was making him feel unstable wasn’t something he was sure he should tell her. But she didn’t leave him any choice.

She laid a hand on his arm. “Tell me.”

He tipped his head, cracking his neck, and closed his eyes, thinking it through before he spoke. “When I was little, and first understood what death was, I was afraid. Then Teena Joy say to me, ‘Imagine you standing in front of the door to a new place, and there’s a welcome sign and pots of flowers around it, like our porch. Now imagine you wearing your favorite outfit, the one you most like to wear, that’s the most comfortable. So comfortable you’ve worn it out.’”

That’s your body, honey. It’s taken such good care of you, and it’s ready to lie down and let you go. You step out of it and through that door, and God’s there. There’s nothing to be afraid of, letting go when love is there to catch you. And if you believe it is, it is.

“What you did with me the other night…it gave me that feeling. That if I let go, you’re there. Tonight I don’t know if that feeling was right. Or if it’s like football. You feel good about learning how to catch the ball and run with it, but that don’t mean the NFL is looking for you.”

So much was pushing and pulling inside him. The singing had helped, but the aftermath, and even the conversation with Lawrence, reassuring as it was, tangled up his mind and gut again. He was like one of the kids, messed up over a crush, allwild and excited one moment, and afraid and tense the next. He wasn’t sure he liked the feeling.

“You have a lot to think about.” She laced her fingers with his. “How does this feel?”

“Good. But I’m doubting it means the same thing to both of us.”

“Is that necessary?” Her gaze remained steady, expression neutral.

That didn’t help, but he thought of her guidance earlier. “I don’t know. You said that’s an okay thing to say.”

“Always, as long as it’s honest.”

“I not sure if that’s what I’m being. I not sure of anything in my head.”

“What do you usually do when you’re confused or uncertain?”

“I pray,” he said simply. “I ask God to show me the right way. Then I let it go until that happens. But I feel…I don’t want to mess things up with you. I’ve never wanted like this. Wanted a woman like this.”

Her eyes softened and she stroked his jaw. “Do you want to learn to drive?”

He blinked. “What?”

“You said you don’t drive. Would you like to learn? We could get together sometime soon, and I can give you some driving lessons. Then you can teach me something I don’t know how to do.” Her eyes laughed up at him. “Maybe how to sing. We’ll learn from one another.”

He'd been worried he’d hurt or offended her with his uncertainty. He hadn’t. And with the simple offer, she’d told him her knowledge wasn’t a way to hold power over him, but a gift she was offering, while asking for the same from him. She was teaching him, and willing to be taught. He gripped her hands. “Okay.”

When she took his arm, he looked into her large, silver eyes that offered so many things to him. “I’m here for you, Mistress,” he said. “Whatever you need.”

A quiver ran through her, a line to a deeper place that seemed to twine itself around his fingers as she slid her hand up to overlap his wrist and knuckles. “Thank you, Rev.” A pause, then again. “Thank you.”

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