Page 65 of T is for…

“No aftercare and sub drop. Shit.” He kissed her head, and again there was something healing about that kiss. “How long before you tried scening?”

“Right question again,” she said with a laugh. “It was years. For a while I thought I’d maybe been…I don’t know. Cured?”

“This isn’t a disease. You don’t need to be cured or fixed.”

“After Clark, it definitely felt like my need for sexual submission was detrimental.”

“You deserve better than that.”

“Thank you.” The blush that heated her cheeks at his words was a world away from the acute embarrassment she’d felt all those years ago with Clark.

“When I eventually did try and get back into the community” she continued, “and started looking for partners, I heard about Las Palmas. It took another year before I was financially ready to join, but I did, and my life has been much better now that I have a regular, safe outlet.”

“And that’s why you haven’t had a long-term relationship, or gotten married. You know you need BDSM, but you don’t think it works to introduce your needs, and BDSM, to a partner.”

“No,” she agreed. “I know there are people out there who are successful in doing that very thing, but I won’t attempt it.”

“And what about telling them up front that you’re going to come here once a month or so?”

“That’s an option,” she acknowledged. “But not what I pictured for myself.”

“Why?”

“Why are you asking?” She pushed up so she could look down at him. “Is that what you’re thinking of doing? I’d ask if that’s what you were already doing, but I know you’re not seeing anyone.”

“I definitely wouldn’t have just fucked you without protection if I were with someone.” Nathan’s words were almost absent, his gaze having slid down to her bare breasts. “And you didn’t answer my question.”

“Neither did you.”

“I asked first.”

The way he was looking at her was making her blood heat, just a bare simmer of need. Her abused body screamed at her that she needed to be done for the night, so Tara settled back against him, repositioning the corner of the pillow she’d stacked on his shoulder.

“No,” she said. “I don’t want to try for an open relationship. Again, I know people make it work, but for me… If I’m with someone, I want to be theirs, and for them to be mine.” It felt silly to say out loud.

The idea of a single person being able to satisfy all of their partner’s emotional and physical needs was nearly ludicrous, yet that was society’s expectation, and even knowing it was unrealistic, she couldn’t out-think what her heart wanted.

“For me, if he—my hypothetical husband—was okay with me being with someone else, part of me would always wonder if it was because he didn’t care.” She exhaled a self-deprecating laugh. “My therapist says it’s a self-esteem and self-perception issue. My partner’s acceptance of my seeing someone else to get my needs met could be a sign of love—of them wanting me to be satisfied and fulfilled, and therefore welcome things that allow me satisfaction.”

“Good therapist.”

“Annoyingly so,” Tara agreed. “Even after she said that, I couldn’t stop thinking that if my husband was okay with me going to another man, okay with another man touching me intimately—even if there was no penetrative sex—it would mean he just didn’t care about me. Didn’t care what I did, or who I was with.”

“This hypothetical husband is a shithead.”

A strangely comfortable silence fell. Tara felt lighter for having shared this, but now curiosity nipped at her. She opened her mouth to ask him about his relationships, why he’d never married, but what escaped was a yawn.

Nathan pulled the covers back up over her shoulder, and the exhaustion that had been held at bay by their conversation pounced, weighing her down. The last thing she felt before she fell asleep was Nathan once more kissing her forehead.

Chapter 16

“How long are you going to read the instructions?” Tara rattled the chain obnoxiously to underscore her question.

Nathan didn’t look up. “Until I’m sure the person who wrote them knows what they’re doing.”

“I looked at the specs. Even if you put both electrodes on the left side of my chest and turn it all the way, it wouldn’t cause a problem.”

“Unless you have a previously undiagnosed heart condition.”

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