Page 64 of T is for…

“Eventually I came, but it took a while. And the instant I did, he went into the bathroom to shower, then to the kitchen. I put on a robe and went out too, thinking we’d have breakfast.”

Tara swallowed the urge to adjust the story, to minimize what happened next to make herself seem less…pathetic. Nathan deserved the truth, but more importantly, she knew in her soul he wouldn’t think less of her.

“When I went to touch him, he looked irritated, so I stopped, finally catching on that we weren’t on the same page. He said he hadn’t expected to waste the whole weekend. He had work to do. He…” She stopped, adjusted her tone to make it clear her next words were a quote. “‘I didn’t expect you to take so long.’”

Tara could still hear Clark’s frustrated exasperation. Feel twinges along the internal scar caused by the soul-deep humiliation that had cut her apart.

Nathan’s muscles went tight, his body almost uniformly hard and unyielding against her. “What a shithead.”

“Yes, but also no.” She clawed her way back to an emotional neutral. “I mean, I wasn’t paying attention to his emotions and needs. He was clearly not engaged?—”

“A sub can and should trust the Dom to make sure both your needs are met. Including the need to stop.”

“I don’t think he knew how to get out of the scene.”

“Then he’s a stupid shithead. Not just a shithead.”

It shouldn’t feel this good, this validating, to have Nathan upset on her behalf. If she were a coward, she could leave it there, but the same brain chemistry that made her a masochist urged her to keep talking. To lay her whole soul bare.

“I must have made a face, because he immediately apologized. But when he tried to kiss me, I backed away. I was scared that if he touched me, I’d want something more. That I’d need or demand more than he was willing to give.”

“You were worried you’d ask too much of him, or did you not want a stupid shithead touching you?”

“If being a stupid shithead was a deal-breaker for sex, no one would sleep with men.”

Nathan barked out a laugh, and she liked the way it made her vibrate. The moment of levity made it easier to continue.

“Our relationship was essentially over after that.” Tara swallowed hard, then cleared her throat. “He left, said he had some reading he needed to do. Apologized again. We didn’t technically break up until months later, but that weekend was the end.” She tried for a self-deprecating joke. “That’s my tragic backstory. My submissive needs killed my longest, and probably best, relationship.”

Nathan pressed their bodies tighter together, his presence warm and strong, but demanding in the silence.

Her throat was tight, making her next words quiet and thin. “I felt so stupid. So embarrassed.”

“Tara.” He twisted to press his lips against her forehead, holding them there as if he could heal her through the kiss.

“Even now, thinking about how I acted that morning, knowing that the whole time he was desperately hoping I’d finish so he could leave…” She jammed her face against his chest, as if she could hide inside her oldest friend.

“It wasn’t your fault. Your needs weren’t the issue.”

Tara took several deep breaths, willing away the remembered humiliation. She cleared her throat and eased back to her previous position. “That’s what my therapist said too.”

“Good. It was a communication issue. And I’m not saying it was only on his side. If he wasn’t familiar with D/s, then I’m giving you some of the blame for not prepping him with information about how serious a power exchange becomes.”

“Thanks for that,” she said dryly, but his words evaporated the tightness in her throat.

Nathan’s hand moved to her hair, once more cupping her head. “Tara?”

“Yes?”

“How bad was the sub drop?”

She exhaled slowly, even as her heart clenched. Of course he knew, he realized, what would have followed after Clark walked out.

“Bad. I’d never really had sub drop before. I’m not sure I’d ever let myself be that submissive. Mostly I played at private parties, or with people I met at munches. Because they were strangers or short-term acquaintances, I could never really let myself go.”

“But Clark was your boyfriend. You trusted him.”

“I felt hollow after he left.” Hollow wasn’t a strong enough word for the way she’d felt, standing in her kitchen in shock, her body pleasantly achy from the sex but so, so cold after the heat of the humiliation. “I… I literally didn’t know what to do. I sat on the floor for a long time before I eventually cried. It was only when I got angry—and I think it was dark by then—that I was able to get up and go shower. Pull myself together.”

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