Page 32 of Shielded Secrets

“I missed him because I’d noticed him and liked what I saw. I could admire him as this strong man who valued protecting others. I didn’t have that before. I’d never really known anyone who’d go into a security role so selflessly like that, and it drew me to notice him and watch him more.”

Irina frowned, glancing at Eva. “Are you referring to the foster families you had? Any of the foster parents who had taken you in to supposedly have the security role over you but not selflessly?”

I nodded. “Foster parents. Social workers. Teachers. Counselors.” They were all supposed to be sources of hope andhelp. And they seldom were, too preoccupied with abusing, neglecting, or taking advantage of us.

“Any figures of authority, huh?” Eva asked.

I nodded. “And more than those.”Like… cops.

Seeing how little I could trust in those who called themselves givers and caretakers made me so jaded, I figured I’d never shake this attitude.

“But in this context,” Irina said, “the Baranov family are not the givers and caretakers as society would expect, not the ‘good guys’.”

“Are you suggesting I look at this proposition asif you can’t join them, beat them?”

She grinned. “A little.”

I sat there for a long moment, thinking back to what I’d been trying to explain to them. “It’s just that I couldn’t walk away from Rurik. I know it makes me look naïve and sound so dumb, but I feel like he could be the one to break me out of this funk. He’s so protective and careful with me, like he actually cares. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe I’m just an easy piece of ass to him and I slept with him under the illusion that he genuinely is concerned about me. I have no clue how long he’d be interested in me beyond last night, but I’m fully aware of how I am interested in seeing where this could go with him.”

“I don’t think you have to worry whether he’s concerned or it’s an illusion,” Irina said. “Not when he killed someone to keep you safe.”

Eva nodded. “Yeah, that’s about as hardcore as they’d go. Burn-the-world-down-for-you kind of dedication.”

I wasn’t looking for that, but I had gotten a preview of how much he could feel about me when he’d killed that man last night. All I was excited for was the chance that my hopes about Rurik could be real, that he really was the handsome, rugged protector who would always be my backup in life.

Anything like that would be better than going at this existence alone. Always so alone.

“Try looking at it this way,” Irina said. “What do you have to lose? If you don’t want to spy for the Family or whatever Oleg is thinking of, what do you have to lose?”

I raised my brows at her. “Assuming I’d be able to walk out of here if I said no?”

Eva groaned. “Of course you’d be able to walk out of here. We’re not holding you hostage.”

“Yeah,” Irina said. “What do you have to lose if you stay here and stick with Rurik to see where it could go? What do you have to lose if you agree to help the family?”

Since she was a former Petrov, it was remarkable that she could saythe familyand mean the one she was in now, the one that used to be her rival.

I sat and seriously thought about her questions, running through the answers in my mind. “It’s more like I need to ask myself what I would have to lose if I didn’t,” I said. “If I walked out of here without any obligation to get information from anyone as a spy, if I walked away from what Rurik and I could start building, I could be killed. Let’s say another one of Jerome’s friends followed me. What if Jerome thought stalking me wasn’t enough? If I didn’t have Rurik nearby, they could kill me.”

I loathed the dependency on him, but I saw how good it felt to be protected and not have the burden of survival only on my shoulders for once.

“Why, though?” Eva furrowed her brow. “What does this Jerome guy have against you? Have you even talked to him since he showed up on campus?”

I shook my head. I didn’t mention that note he’d left in my math book when I napped at the library, that message ofI know what you did…And that technically wasn’t communicationwithJerome since I never followed up or tried to ask about it. I was too scared to face him because of the secret about O’Malley that he could hold over me. I was determined to keep my past in the past and not have to face the fact that I wasn’t as innocent as they thought me to be. I wasn’t proud of how I’d handled myself on that one fateful day.

“He just knows me from before,” I replied, hoping that would be enough to satisfy them. “He’s not a good person, so whatever he’s up to, it’s not good.”

Eva seemed to tell that this conversation was wearing on me. She patted my thigh. “Just think about it all, okay? You don’t have to deal with school with the break. It’s a good chance to just consider it all. But if you ask me, this is great news for you. It’s a good thing to have us as a family.”

I stared at her, wanting to agree. After a lifetime of having no one and counting on nobody but myself, it was a hard adjustment to make.

14

RURIK

Oleg gathered us in his study. His cigar smoke was stronger in here, but it wasn’t off-putting. The Boss had always favored his particular brand of cigars, and it was as much a part of his identity as his raspy voice and quick thinking.

“If this girl is in the office near where Marcus was killed, she’s a convenient person to help us out,” he said, carrying on with what he was talking about in the dining room. He sat, gesturing for all of us to sit as well.

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