Page 41 of A Song of Death and Desire

He stills, his hands withdraw from my feet and the tension rolls off him in waves. His breaths quicken and he pulls away, putting distance between us once more.

“I can’t,” he rasps. “I can’t go back out there. You told me… you told me not to go back out in the Witches Cove waters. I can’t do it. Your sisters will kill me. I just can’t.” His words are fast and panicked. He runs his hands through his hair, pulling at the strands. The simple thought of going back out onto the ocean has unraveled him and he’s falling apart right in front of me. He continues to gasp for breath, and I don’t know how to calm him, but I can’t let this continue.

Without a second thought, I crawl into his lap and straddle him. I bring his head down to my chest and hold him there, hoping that the sound of my heartbeats and the feel of my chest rising and falling with my steady breaths is enough to soothe him. His body stiffens with the movement, but he makes no attempt to pull away. I don’t speak. Instead, I sit with him, hold him, and I wait as his breathing evens out and his body begins to relax.

I don’t know how long we sit here for but I refuse to be the first to move from this position. Eventually, he lifts his head from my chest and tilts his chin to look at me. His blue eyes are still wild with panic but most of the tension has left his body, and I can feel that his pulse has slowed.

“Fuck. I’m sorry… I don’t even know what that was,” he murmurs, his cheeks darkening with a tinge of pink.

“I am so sorry for everything we put you through,” I admit, meaning it with my whole heart. I know that as a siren, I had to do what I could to survive, but I made a decision for Eagan that had many disastrous consequences, and I will forever feel guilty for my part in that.

Eagan seems to shake himself out of his current state and I move off his lap. “I guess I still have some unprocessed trauma around the water,” he admits.

“We can talk about it another time, don’t worry.”

“No. I’m calmer now, I think you just caught me off guard that’s all. Is this something you need to do? Go back to see your sisters?”

I nod. “I really do. If I had any other way of finding them, I would do that instead of asking you for your help. If you really don’t think you can do this, it’s okay. I can wait.”

“If I go back out on the boat, how do I know that your sisters won’t sing to me and put me right back where I started? And for that matter, you’re human now too. Won’t their songs affect you as well?”

He raises good points and ones that I have also been thinking about. “We need to be able to hear a siren’s song in order to be influenced by it. If we can’t hear it, we aren’t in any danger.” I smile at him. “If we wear earplugs, I’m quite certain we will be fine. And once they know it’s me, they won’t try anything, but you can keep yours in, just in case.” I offer.

He nods slowly as he processes my words. “I think… I think I can do this for you. I don’t want to—god, I don’t want to, but I can understand the need to see your sisters. I know how important family is. Can you give me a couple of days to try and get my shit together, so I don’t have another breakdown?” he asks with a dry laugh.

“Of course. Thank you so much for doing this for me.” I lean forward and press my lips to his cheek. “I’m hungry, I think it’s time for a snack,” I say as I get up to give Eagan some space.

I’ve always got the impression that Eagan is the type of person to keep his feelings bottled up, reluctant to let people past his walls. In the weeks I have known him, it has been rare to see a display of strong emotion. I can tell that he is happy when heis with Sienna, and Tom and Lacey. There’s been times where I recognize some kind of positive feeling when he is with me, although I’m not always able to identify what that emotion actually is. I’ve also seen flashes of anger, frustration and, of course, lust. But these are only flashes. There one moment and gone the next as he masterfully reigns in the escaping emotion. I was taken completely by surprise by the outpouring of panic that he just allowed me to see. And even more shocked by the fact that he allowed me to comfort him. I must admit that I didn’t expect my request to be met with that reaction but when I think about everything that has happened, it is understandable that he would feel that way. I swear to myself that I’m going to do everything in my power to protect him. From my sisters if needed but also from Vala if we ever have to face her again. I refuse to be the cause of more destruction in his life.

The next three days pass quickly. I work at the boutique each day and Eagan works from home, completing the projects assigned to him by Tom. Every day at work I feel more comfortable, and Kelsey has even been able to leave me in charge of the store while she runs to the bank or to run an errand.

I still thrive on conversation and meeting new people and instead of feeling tired at the end of the day, I’m filled with energy. Kelsey and I have had lots of time to get to know each other in between customers. Although I haven’t been able to disclose much about my personal life, Kelsey is more than willing to share details of hers. I’ve learnt that she’s thirty-two years old and lives with her partner Brodie, who is forty-three. They met through a mutual friend ten years ago and havebeen inseparable ever since. Kelsey told me that her life mostly consists of working and spending time with Brodie. There isn’t much time for anything else. I wonder if Eagan will be okay with me inviting her and perhaps Brodie next time we go out for drinks.

Eagan’s waiting for me when I arrive home just after lunch. Usually, he would be busy with his own work and doesn’t even notice me returning home. So, I’m caught off guard when I walk in and he’s standing in the kitchen looking like he’s been expecting me.

“Hi…” I say with a quirk of my eyebrow in question.

He inhales deeply, “Alright we are doing it. Now. We are going to see your sisters. Before I change my mind.”

I can’t stop the grin that takes over my face and I throw myself against him, wrapping my arms around his waist. This time when I touch him there is no flinch of surprise, no initial discomfort. He allows me to show him my gratitude in the way that is most natural to me and if I’m not mistaken, I think he’s starting to like it too.

“Okay, okay, vicious one. I get it, you’re excited,” he says kindly, and my body warms at the realization that this man is going to do something that he is afraid of simply because he knows it’s important to me. The thought makes me want to jump straight back into his arms again and find other, more indecent ways, to show my thanks. But no. There will be time for that later, right now he’s taking me to see my sisters. And I can’t fucking wait.

Chapter 41

Eagan gets us out in the water with ease, but his behavior is in stark contrast to my own. While my excitement has me unable to keep still, bouncing and pacing the short length of the boat, Eagan is pale and withdrawn. I will have to find a way to show him how much this means to me because he is struggling being back on the ocean.

Eagan and I have both put in earplugs that have blocked out all external noise. I am uncertain whether the song of my sisters will affect either of us. I am technically human now so it is possible that I will be influenced. And who knows what Vala did to Eagan when she removed the initial effects of the song from his mind. My plan is for us to keep the earplugs in until we locate Raidne, and she convinces my sisters not to use their song on us. I would like to think that the bond between us is strong enough to overcome the differences in our current biology, but I alsothink it depends on how hungry they are. I’m also concerned that they may see the permanence of my current form as an act of betrayal. I’m not sure how they could respond to that. At the very least, I am sure that Raidne would never cause me or anyone I care about harm. And I do care about Eagan. I care about him so much and in a way that’s different from anyone else in my life.

Eagan drives the boat following the directions I gave him prior to us putting in the earplugs. I don’t know exactly where they will be, but I know how to ensure that they will find us. Eagan stares at the expanse of the ocean in front of him, his jaw tense, and his back stiff. I move behind him, slip my hands around his waist, and rest my head on his back, offering comfort without words. He moves one of his hands down to my own and softly moves his thumb back and forth over the skin.

I take some time to be fully present in the moment, opening my senses to everything around me. The rough touch of his thumb brushing the back of my hand, the feel of his stomach moving with each breath, the kiss of the hot sun on my skin, softened by the cool breeze as it tousles our hair. And the smell of the ocean, so familiar and comforting but more foreign than ever before. I close my eyes and enjoy the peace that washes over me. I’m entirely aware that Eagan doesn’t share these feelings but as I breathe in the fresh air around us, I feel some of the tension leave his body, almost as if he’s absorbing my calm.

The boat stops when Eagan reaches the place I suggested would be a good spot to wait. I eagerly scan the ocean that surrounds us, looking for any sign of my sisters. Eagan doesn’t make any motion to move from where he has sat but as the minutes drag, my excitement doesn’t wane.

And then I see it. A flash of familiar dark brown hair that breaches the surface for a moment. My breath catches and I gesture to Eagan to let him know that they are here. His skinpales even more but he pushes his shoulders back and appears to steel himself for what comes next.

I wait a few more moments and then I see it again. This time closer. I catch another glimpse, and I think it’s Raidne. She is in front of the others leading the group to what they imagine will be a hunt. My heart is racing, partly with excitement and partly with fear of the unknown. I’m hoping that this plan is a good idea, that Eagan and I will be able to avoid the influence of their song and their appetite for humans.

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