Page 33 of A Song of Death and Desire

With surprising gentleness, he bends my legs, so my feet are on the sofa and then places his hands on my knees to spread my thighs apart until I’m entirely exposed to him. His breath catches as he looks between my legs.

“God, you are fucking soaked for me, baby,” he groans. I know. I’ve been wet since the moment he kissed me. The more aroused I have been getting, the more I have noticed the slickening between my thighs. He does this to me. He drives me wild. He puts a hand behind my back, pushing my ass forward so that it rests close to the end of the sofa and causes my back to arch.“Perfect,”he whispers reverently.

He kneels on the ground in front of me and I begin to pant.

Touch me. Touch me. Touch me.

He obeys my silent plea and leans in, licking me from crack to slit. I throw my head back and cry out, completely overwhelmed by the feel of his tongue. He repeats the motion, and I can feel my legs starting to twitch.

“Delicious, absolutely delicious,” he murmurs into my skin. I close my eyes and surrender as he explores me. He alternates between circling my clit with his tongue and then pushing it inside me. He varies in pace, bringing me right to the precipice before easing off and changing things up. It is maddening. Euphoric but maddening.

“More, more, more,” I plead, over and over again. I’m barely aware of the words coming out of my mouth, but I know I’mbegging, and I’m not even sure how coherent I am at this point. He seems to understand and plunges two fingers straight into me as he simultaneously sucks hard on my clit. My orgasm hits me immediately, hard and fast, and I scream out his name as it crashes over me like a violent wave.

Eagan pumps his fingers a few more times and then slowly withdraws his fingers. He presses light kisses to the insides of each of my thighs before leaning back and allowing me to see the evidence of my release on his lips and chin. His eyes are still clear and bright, and despite my post-orgasm haze, I’m happy to note an absence of regret that was there this morning, and instead all I see is warmth.

“Congratulations on the job, Kairi,” he says quietly before standing up, placing a soft kiss on my forehead, and walking out of the room, leaving me spread on his sofa, dazed and frustrated that he left me.Again.

I take a throw blanket that is on the back of the sofa and decide to just wrap that around me. He’s the one that made me get naked for him in the first place so if he has an issue with me sitting on his sofa with only a blanket to cover me, then tough shit. I settle in and get comfortable, resigning myself to another night of TV, certain that I won’t see Eagan again for a while. So, when he walks back in moments later, I’m confused but elated. He’s not running this time. Oh, and he has snacks!

He sits down beside me, raising his eyebrows when he takes in the fact that I haven’t gotten re-dressed yet. “We’re just giving up on clothes then are we?” He smirks.

“That’s what happens when you get me naked, and I can’t be bothered to get dressed again. You’re welcome to join me for the no-clothes party,” I tease.

He lets out a sigh. “You and I both know that if I get naked with you right now then we are going to be occupied for the rest of thenight.” His words send shivers down my spine and despite only just coming, I’m aroused again.

“So?” I question, biting my lip and letting part of the blanket covering me slip to expose one of my breasts.

His eyes immediately hone into the extra skin on display. “You are such a tease,” he groans, running a hand through his hair. I’ve noticed that he does this a lot, particularly when he’s stressed, and I wonder what’s bothering him at the moment.

“I’m only a tease if I don’t intend to follow through with it and I think you know that I am more than willing.”

“I want to talk to you first. Stop distracting me,” he admonishes in a tone that makes it clear he’s teasing me right back. I decide to show him some mercy and cover myself back up again as I chuckle, interested in what he has to say. “I think it’s clear that there’s a pretty strong attraction between us that’s difficult to ignore—” I hum in agreement. “But I need you to know that I’m not looking for a relationship and I’m still not certain that I can completely move past what you are. I mean, what you were.” My stomach drops but I keep my smile plastered to my face. “We can keep having sex. I’d like to keep having sex, but you need to agree that it’s never going to be anything more between us. It won’t work.” He trails off and looks at me expecting an answer.

I have to swallow a few times, my words seeming to catch in my throat. I’m not an idiot, I know that what I am is an undeniable barrier to him thinking of me as someone he could have a relationship with. I don’t even think that I was expecting anything from him at all. Hoping, yes. But not expecting. Is sex all that I’m good for? His words feel like a kick to the gut so strong that I have to resist the urge to wrap my arms around my stomach.

I’m so confused by his actions. If he only wants me for sex then why does he make an effort to spend time with me? Why does he do little things that he knows will make me happy?

As if he can read my feelings as easily as if I were to voice them, his eyes soften. “You know it can’t work between us Kairi. We are too different.”

“Mhm,” I manage to force out. “Yeah, sure…um okay… no problems. It’s just sex. Nothing more… of course,” I stammer, cursing myself for my complete and utter lack of chill. I can do this. I’ll accept the parts of him he is willing to give me and that will have to be enough because I’m learning that I’ll do almost anything to keep Eagan in my life. I know that I could find someone else. As a human there are far fewer barriers to me meeting someone and falling in love than there were before. But I don’t want anyone else. There’s only him.

Eagan exhales and appears satisfied with my response. “Okay, cool. Glad we got that out of the way. Is it TV time?” I smile as he throws me a bag of potato chips. I’m uncomfortably aware of the fact that I’m still naked beneath this blanket and I feel much more self-conscious now than I did before this conversation. I politely excuse myself, letting him know that I will be coming back. I’m disappointed that the light-hearted fun we were having before seems to have dissipated but I’m not going to pass up spending time with him. The talk we had may have dulled my arousal but not enough to get rid of my flirty nature, so even though I put on clothing, it’s his t-shirt I wear. And it still smells like him, I realize as I bring the shirt to my nose and inhale his scent.

I return to the sofa and sit close to him. He raises his eyebrows at my choice of clothing but doesn’t comment. He allows me to lean into him slightly and throws one of his arms around my back. He seems much more relaxed than I have seen him before, but his actions don’t always match his words. Is this somethingyou would do with someone who is only here for sex? I don’t know and honestly, I’m not sure he does either.

Chapter 35

Eagan and I had an enjoyable night last night, relaxing and eating snacks but it felt muted somehow. It was comfortable but lacked the flirtatious teasing and the playful banter that I’ve been getting used to these past few days. Our conversation was stilted and more formal than I liked.

I’m trying to navigate this new dynamic in our relationship and attempting to figure out what is and isn’t acceptable within the boundaries he has set. Because I’m thinking about it so much, I find myself filtering my own behavior. Not drastically, but I have been second-guessing my actions towards him.

I went to bed last night and wasn’t able to sleep. I’m learning that when I’m able to fall asleep quickly, I have the most amazing sleep, but lying in bed, trying to sleep but feeling completely awake, is fucking awful. I hate the feeling of tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable while simultaneouslythinking about things that are anything but. It was almost like every minute awake had me moving further and further away from sleep. After hours of this, I finally crashed, but this morning, I am absolutely feeling the effects of my lack of sleep. Not what I need for my first ever day of work. Nevertheless, my fatigue doesn’t prevent the excitement that thrums through my veins.

The shower is slightly effective at waking me up and I spend a bit of time in front of the mirror to attempt to make it look like I have my shit together. Once I’m dressed, having chosen a more casual ensemble for my first day, matching the look that I see Kelsey wear when she’s working at the store, I’m pleased with how I look. I don’t think anyone would be able to tell that I am exhausted by my appearance alone. And I know I can put on an energetic performance to help. I am excited though, so I won’t need to act too hard.

Eagan’s waiting for me in the kitchen and my heart does a little backflip when I realize he has already made me breakfast. “You didn’t have to get that ready for me,” I told him.

The corner of his lip lifts in a smirk. “Yes I did. You still don’t know how to cook.” I blush, knowing that he’s right.

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