Page 20 of A Song of Death and Desire

I attempt to suppress my growing discomfort and soften my features to appear more approachable. “Thanks Lacey, it’s good to see you. I was suffering from some mental health issues after the accident, and it caused me to become a bit careless and destructive with my choices. I’ve been working on it and getting some help, and I am starting to feel a lot better. Please let Tom know how sorry I am for everything that happened and assure him that I am getting better. I recognize that I should have reached out for help a lot sooner than I did and now I am trying to make amends.”

Her eyes fill with tears, and I am immediately even more uncomfortable. I am not good at comforting crying women. She throws her arms around me. “I am so glad that you are starting to do better. I’ll talk to Tom, okay? We will try and get you around for some drinks. I know he has been missing you.” I nod and she waves goodbye as she continues with her shopping. I stand there for a moment and let out the breath I had been holding. There. That wasn’t too bad.

I paste a smile on my face and buy everything I need for home. When I’m ready to check out, a flash of red catches my eye. I turn just as a figure with long auburn hair turns the corner ahead. My stomach plummets and without a second thought I’m moving quickly down the aisle after her. I need to see if it is her. I catch up and reach out a hand to the woman's shoulder. She turns and glares at me. Not Kairi. It’s not Kairi. There’s a confusing pang of disappointment before I stammer an apology and rush away. In moments, my mood has soured because I’ve realized that even though things are better now that I'm not under her spell, I haven’t escaped her pull completely.

Chapter 20

Iwake up to the sounds of the sea birds and the soothing crash of the ocean. It takes me a little while to open my eyes as I remember all the events from yesterday. I uncurl from the position I had slept in and take the time to stretch out each of my limbs, the aches and pains in my muscles and joints as unfamiliar to me as sleeping on land for the first time.

Although sirens are able to come on land for twenty-four hours at a time, many of us don’t last that long. I usually just come for some human food, a hook up, or just to observe people going about their day. Once I’ve achieved these things I usually return to the ocean. I’ve never seen a point to staying overnight on land and I’ve certainly never felt the urge to sleep next to someone I had fucked. No, I’m not the snuggling type. I use the men to sate my needs and that is it. Snuggling builds connections and I have never been afforded that luxury.

But today is the start of a new life. Things are different now. I still don’t know where Eagan fits into my current predicament, but I am determined to figure out how to be human and maybe start making some friends. My sisters have been decent company and although Raidne is my true best friend, the others are supportive enough despite not understanding my desire for humans. Raidne and I were always a bit standoffish. Now that I think about it, I kept everyone apart from Raidne at arm’s length.

The concept of a whole future on land is daunting. I know how to act like a human, but I don’t know the first thing about actuallybeingone. There’s a rising panic when I try to think too far ahead about how I’m going to survive in this new world. I have to work at staying in the present moment and taking one step at a time. I will figure things out eventually. I’m sure of it.

I move from the alcove I had slept in and dust of the sand that had attached itself to my body. Sand had never really bothered me before but goddess I had no idea it could get into so many places! The clothes I purchased last night have made me look a lot better than I did before but I know I need to bathe or find some way of washing myself. The ordeal of yesterday has left me dirty and gross and I think I’m beginning to smell. I consider washing off in the sea but decide that finding a freshwater source is better. I also need some food.

My stomach growls in hunger and I’m reminded that even hunger feels different in this body. The sun is high in the sky, and I realize that I had slept for quite a long time. The food I bought from the store last night satisfied me enough to fall asleep, but I want to buy myself something more substantial. Maybe something like that burger, Sammy, bought me a while ago. I salivate at the thought.

I run through the things I want to try and organize for myself today. I want to find a way to get clean, fill myself up with sometasty food and maybe buy a few other necessary items. I wonder if the woman, Kelsey from the boutique last night might be able to help me with some of these things. I’m reluctant to ask for too much help as I don’t want to arouse suspicion, but she might be able to help enough to get me on my feet.

I start making the journey from my secluded section of the beach to town. On the way, I pass the main beach of Witches Cove. I can tell it is the main beach as there are already families there, playing together, swimming and fishing. A woman with two young boys walks up from the beach in front of me. The boys are complaining to who I assume is their mother. Disappointment laces their voices as they lament about having to go home. I can’t help but watch in curiosity. I’ve always been interested in the children of humans. The offspring of sirens are quite different and become independent much quicker than humans.

“I know you don’t want to leave but we have to get going,” their mom tells them. “Come on, let's wash that sand off so it doesn’t get all through the car.” I watch as the boys rinse off in the beach shower, their heads under the stream of water as they whine about the temperature of it. It occurs to me while watching them that I could use this to get clean. I can’t shower naked though.

I learned very quickly on land that humans have much different views on nudity. It is not acceptable to be naked in public spaces. Honestly, it seems like a silly rule given that humans all have bodies that look the same. But I am trying to remain inconspicuous. I know enough about being human to pass as one if you don’t look too carefully. But not enough to completely avoid suspicion if someone tries to talk to me. They will likely ask too many questions. Questions I simply don’t have answers for. I just need some time to figure it all out.

I make my way slowly to the boutique from last night, hoping that Kelsey will be there. She was kind and didn’t ask too manyquestions, which is exactly the type of person I would like to be around. When I reach the shop window, my mouth tips up in a smile when I see the flash of bright pink hair. I wait until a couple of women leave the store before deciding to enter.

“Oh, hi honey. You’re back,” she exclaims when she looks up from her register and notices me. “Do you need more clothing?”

I nod and tell her the cover story I had been preparing, “I do, and you were so kind to me last night that I knew you would be able to help me. See, I had to come to Witches Cove unexpectedly and without any time to prepare. I was only able to come with the clothes I had on me at the time.” Truth, but only enough of it to be plausible. Hopefully, Kelsey will fill in the gaps with her own interpretation of the situation. I see her eyes flood with sympathy.

“You poor thing. Let me see what I can help you with. What do you need?”

I listed the items I had been considering on my walk up here; a bathing suit for the shower to be more modest, a towel, another set of clothing or two. I see a few satchel style bags and add one of those to the list because I won’t be able to keep carrying everything with me otherwise. I’m lucky that this small store happens to have a range of different items including those that I need.

Kelsey is more than helpful. She finds everything that I ask for and makes some suggestions of other things that would be beneficial as well. Like underwear. I know what it is, but I’ve never really had a need for it. It’s probably a good idea that I start wearing it now. She also suggested I buy some shoes that protect my feet a little better than the flip flops I’m currently wearing. The total cost is far less than I expected and I’m so grateful I could cry. She gives me a hug as I leave telling me that she hopes I am able to get settled here.

Next on the agenda is to go to the general store. While there, I buy a hairbrush, a blanket, bottles of water and some more of the foods that I had bought last night, all of which fit into my new satchel. Thanks to my new purchases I am able to enjoy a shower by the beach. I wear my new bathing suit so that I simply look like any other beach goer washing off the sand and salt water. I luxuriate under the cool spray of fresh water running my fingers through my long, knotted hair. My body has always been made for salt water, which is what felt natural on my skin. But this is a completely different feeling. Right now, I can’t stop the tingling sensation that flows over my skin. I feel energized and excited by all the new sensations and experiences that I am being exposed to. After years of feeling fatigued and lethargic from hunger, this new energy is a relief.

I’m disappointed that Eagan rejected me and left me alone, but I can’t say that I miss being a siren. After observing humans for years, I’m finally getting to experience all the wonders and joy that they do. I wonder if Vala knows the gift she has given me in this bargain. It seems too good to be true.

Feeling fresher and cleaner than I have in a long time, my wet hair now free of sand and knots, air drying, I sit on a nearby bench and just exist. I relish in the warmth of the sun on my skin and close my eyes, allowing myself to soak in the feelings and sounds around me. There is peace in the ocean, but right now, I think I am more content right here.

Chapter 21

It has been a week since my life was turned up-side-down. For the second time. I’m starting to get back to some semblance of normality. My mind feels clear. Strong. I still think about Kairi far more than I would like but not in the obsessive way that I did before. Well maybe notquiteas obsessive.

It is more of a curiosity. Where is she? What is she doing? Is the money I gave her enough?Of course it wasn’t enough.I try not to dwell on these thoughts because they bring up the guilt I’m trying to suppress. I don’t know how a siren, a creature, until now, I never knew existed, would be surviving on land. The money I gave her is not going to last her long but she’s going to have to figure something out eventually.

What if she’s in danger? Where is she staying? A couple of times over the last week I have considered seeking her out to ensure that she is okay. I owe her that much for saving my liferight? It feels stupid to feel guilty when she was the one who started all of this. But I am grateful for her help in fixing it. I always talk myself out of finding her and remind myself that the intention is to move on with my life. So yes, I think about her still, but I am able to do other things as well and take care of myself. It isn’t like before. I am no longer under her wicked spell.

I am feeling like myself again. I’ve resumed my regular, pre-siren attack routine that includes eating well, going to the gym and having a full night's sleep. I’m even proud to say that I called Kelly. Not to try and win her back, but she deserved an apology. She rejected my first couple of calls but eventually answered. She did not sound at all happy to hear from me. But I said my piece. I explained how surviving an accident that killed my friends messed with my head. I told her about the panic attacks and blamed them entirely for how I acted. I did apologize though. I apologized for how I treated her, how I didn’t ask for help or admit that something was wrong until it was too late. I let her know that she didn’t deserve the way I treated her. She accepted my explanation and my apology but said that she isn’t interested in seeing me again. Talking to Kelly helped to ease some of my guilt and I hope that it will help her find closure as well. I might no longer bein lovewith her, but I do still love and want the best for her in life.

I leave my apartment late in the afternoon to go into town and in my haste, I run into a small man coming up the stairs. I wasn’t looking at where I was going at all and bumped into him with a fair bit of force, knocking him off balance. “Oh shit, man. I’m so sorry about that. I wasn’t looking where I was going. Are you okay?”

The man looks up at me, his dark framed glasses a little askew. He is fidgeting with his hands, and he looks nervous. I wonder if it is me that is having this effect on him. He straightens hisglasses and runs his hands through his disheveled blond hair. He doesn’t meet my eyes.

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