Page 17 of A Song of Death and Desire

Many of my arguments with Kelly were her telling me that I“don’t seem to give a shit.”It never mattered how often I told her that I did care, she always felt unappreciated. Even going right back to my childhood, my father made it clear that emotions were not acceptable. Ever the stoic picture of masculinity, my father ensured that he had a son that portrayed the same image.I was not allowed to cry. Even loud outbursts of anger were frowned upon.

“Boys don’t cry, son,”he would tell me.“We must always appear strong and not allow anyone to see our weaknesses.”My sister, Sienna, was never given the same lessons because, of course, women are allowed to show their weakness. It is not expected that they will be strong. Look, I have evolved enough to know that my father’s lessons were bullshit. I do believe that anyone should be allowed to experience and show their emotions, but his lessons are so heavily ingrained in my psyche that I can’t seem to break away from his words.

As the adrenaline begins to leave my system, I am reminded of just how exhausted I am. I slowly sink down to sit on a large rock outside the cave, not ready to start my ascent back up the cliff face just yet. I rest my head in my hands and once again try to focus on slowing down my breathing. I try to sort out my mess of thoughts and plan my next steps.

“Oh, fuckety fuck!” The noise of Kairi stumbling out of the cave, clearly having tripped, startles me out of my deep contemplation. I look up but she doesn't meet my eyes, instead looking quizzically down at her upper arm which has a deep red trail of blood. A pang of concern quickly seizes my chest, but I push that feeling way, way down. She doesn't deserve my concern.

“This is strange. I don't usually bleed red,” she murmurs, to herself. Just another reminder of the abomination she is. I shuffle slightly and my movement captures her attention, and I see her eyes fill with hope.

“Oh shit! You're still here. I thought you had gone and left me. Well, you did leave me in there. Kind of a dick move don't you think? But I definitely didn't expect you to still be here.”

“I'm leaving. I just needed to catch my breath before the climb. I don't want to see you again. I remember everythingthat happened now. You murdered my friends. In cold blood, you made us jump off the boat and then you and the othersatethem.” I shudder, feeling nauseated at the thought.

At least she has the good sense to look remorseful. Her face flushes and for a split second I can't help but notice how pretty the pink tinge on her cheeks is.

“I'm sorry,” she replies softly. “It's how we survive. We have no other choice.”

I scoff, “really? So, you just go around killing and eating people and their souls—what the fuck is up with that by the way? And you want me to believe it's because you have no choice?”

She lifts her eyes to meet mine and there is some defiance staring back at me. She's a fascinating creature. Sometimes she appears meek and fragile, but other times I witness a stronger side, some ferocity. Her conflicting actions towards me are a replica of my own hot and cold emotions. God this is so messed up.

“Do you get angry at the spider for consuming the fly? Or the cat for killing the bird? We do what we have to do to survive. We didn't ask to be born like this, having to consume the souls of humans just to survive. We are born to be apex predators of the sea and that's how we live. I'm sorry for how my actions affected you but I've done everything in my power to make things right ever since.” Her chest heaves with the effort it takes to get out that speech. I can't lie and say I'm not intrigued but I have made a decision and I'm going to stick to it. I'm done with magic and mythical creatures.

“Do you… do you have any money?” I ask, suddenly realizing the possible repercussions of her becoming fully human and then subsequently it occurs to me that that was stupid question.

“Wha— oh no. I don't have anything. I've never needed anything on land before.”

I sigh and run my hands over my face. “We are going to climb back up this bloody cliff, I'm going to give you some money, so you don't die of starvation and then I never want to see you again, okay? You’ll have to figure things out on your own. I don’t owe you anything.”

“Okay,” she whispers in reply.

We climb back up from the cave not uttering a single word to each other, the ascent easier than the descent. I know this is the right decision for me but why does abandoning her feel so wrong?

Chapter 17

True to his word, after climbing back to the top of the cliff, Eagan led me back to his apartment. Honestly, I don't even remember much after our conversation out the front of the cave, when he called me a murderer. A monster. The hurricane of emotions I'm feeling is overwhelming. I feel guilty simply for existing. What I said to him was true, this is how I was born, how I survive. I had no idea what letting him live would do to his mind. Despite what he thinks of me, I am not cruel.

While guilt is the prominent emotion, the other trying to get loose is anger. White, hot anger. How dare he treat me like that? I just made a bargain, giving up everything that I am, for him.For him!If I were truly the evil, he believes me to be I would have left him to drown. Or better yet, I could have consumed his soul and then eaten his flesh so thatIcould feel better again. He'sluckyI've been this nice!

While I wrestled with these conflicting emotions, we silently scaled the cliff face until we reached the top once more. It didn't take too long for him to lead us to his car that he left earlier at the docks. I followed him in an almost dissociative state, my body functioning on autopilot. I knew I couldn't leave him until I received the money he offered.

We arrive at his apartment and he asks me to wait outside. The clothing I had put on earlier is in a very sorry state. I wince at the small holes and tears from where the loose linen had snagged on the rocks while climbing. My shirt is also dotted with the red blood that I was shocked to see dripping from a small cut on my arm after leaving the cave. It's a clear reminder of my new biology. I truly am a human now. I'm still yet to process what this will actually mean for my future. I'm desperately trying to hold my fear of the unknown at bay.

I can handle this. I'll get the money from Eagan, find somewhere to rest and then I'll regroup tomorrow. This has been a long as fuck day and I can't think clearly. My muscles are fatigued and I'm feeling the type of weariness that is soul deep. I could probably sleep for a week.

I'm pulled out of my contemplation by the return of Eagan. Just looking at him I can tell that he is also ready to sleep like the dead. Dark shadows mark the spaces below his eyes, his skin has paled and his hair, an absolute mess. But goddess he is still beautiful. I can't help the desire I feel, the pull. It hasn't lessened since bargaining with the witch. I thought it might have. I don't know whether I was hoping for that tether I feel to still exist or for it to be severed.

“Look, here is all the money I have on me right now. It's three hundred. Enough to get you some food, maybe a few nights at the motel. Now we are even. You helped me and I helped you. I need to work on fixing all my fuck ups now. Um… I'd say it wasnice to meet you but to tell you the truth… I kind of wish I never had. Good luck with… being human.”

I guess that's it. Although despair and hurt attempts to break through the tough exterior I'm trying to portray, I straighten my back, lift my head, and stare him right in the eyes. “Thanks for this. I'll get out of your way. And for the love of the goddess please stay out of the ocean. I will not be held responsible for what happens to you if you go out there again and come across my sisters.”

The shudder that racks his body is unmistakable as well as the flash of fear that crosses his eyes. He gives me a small nod and I begin walking. Where to? Who knows. But as I walk, I feel his stare at my back and I know that, without a doubt, he watches me walk until I'm out of sight.

Fortunately, Eagan doesn’t live too far from the main area of town. Time passed quickly during our adventure in the cave, and it is now well into the evening. The night sky is clear, showing no evidence of the earlier storm. A soft breeze tickles my skin, but the air is warm. Comfortable. As I walk towards town, I take a moment to look up at the night sky. It is the same sky that I observe from the ocean, but right now it feels different. Maybe becauseIam different.

I am disappointed with Eagan’s rejection. I feel hurt and abandoned. Perhaps it was stupid for me to think that he would want to get to know me. I can understand where he is coming from though. Just as it is my nature to be a predator, it is his to be prey. I can’t blame him for his fear as it is his natural reaction to danger. And I am dangerous. Or at least I was.

Despite this, there is a part of me that’s excited to live a human life. During the days I have spent on land, I have spent a considerable amount of time simply observing. Watching people go about their days, witnessing their interactions, both positive and negative. I’ve been taking it all in. Learning. I’m quite certain that I can blend in with humans. There are many things I still don’t know but I am eager to learn. I want to embrace this opportunity I’ve been given but I’m not quite sure where to start.

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