Page 161 of Splintered Hearts

“They were in the jeep because they wanted to be. You actively tried to get Maddox and Ailee to stay. They went because they cared about you.”

“I’ve been a fucking zombie for years. Then you came into my life and I just wanted a slice of your sunshine. Just a little piece, even if I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to be this happy. Not while my friends are lying in a fucking grave.”

“I think...” I swallow. “I think you’ve punished yourself enough for something that wasn’t your fault to begin with. There’s a future for you if you can let go of this burden.”

“I didn’t mean any of what I said when we got back from the lake house.”

That makes my stomach sour. While I figured that through listening to his story, it still leaves a very big problem. I understand that Jamie didn’t mean what he said, but he still said it.

Hurting me was easier than telling me the truth.

I just can’t process that right now.

I just need space. “Look at me.” He tilts his head up to face me, tears streaking down his face. “I love you very much. I’m so sorry you went through that. It has to be very traumatic losing people in such a preventable and violent way.” I swallow, wiping my thumbs under his eyes. “It still doesn’t change what you did, though.”

“Noah—”

“If you had just told me this, and what she said to you, I would have told you she was wrong. That you are un-fucking-believable. I would have told you how much I love you—how much we all love you—and how we are so much better for having you in our lives. You didn’t tell me, though. You decided to hurt me and throw something I regrettably did to you back in my face, using my insecurities as a weapon to hurt me. Even after what we experienced together at that lake house no less.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s easy to say sorry. It’s harder to prove it.” I bite the inside of my cheek. “I need some time to think, okay? I think we both need some space right now. I need to figure some things out.”

“Noah please, I—”

“I think space would be good for everyone.” Hunter rubs Mark’s knee, squeezing it.

“You should go with him,” Mark says to my surprise.

“You sure?”

He nods. “He shouldn’t be alone.”

I feel my stomach ease. While I need space I’m still worried about him. “I need time, okay? Don’t call me or text me. I mean it. I’ll text you when I’m ready.”

“Okay.” His knee starts to bounce. This is hard, and I can’t imagine the heavy weight he’s been carrying all these years, but it doesn’t change what he said to me, and I can’t let sympathy make decisions for me. “Can I have a hug?” I nod.

Jamie stands, slowly reaching for me. I’m stiff in his arms until he wraps them completely around me. I allow myself one second of weakness, hugging him back like it’s the last time I’ll ever touch him.

Maybe it is.

“I’m so sorry. About everything. I didn’t mean it,” he whispers. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

While I want to believe it, I can’t let emotions make mydecisions. I need to grow up, start actually thinking things through and stop acting on impulse.

So I pull away. “I’ll text you.” Hunter kisses Mark goodbye, following Jamie out the door. I lie down on the couch, unable to think. Mark asks me if I’m okay and I tell him I just want to sleep.

When Mark goes into his room I finally give in to the churn of emotion in my gut and cry until I pass out.

Forty One

Jamie

Fuck, I’m sweating. Nerves feel like tiny pin pricks along my skin. I shouldn’t be like this. Of all the places I’ve lived in my life, this place is home, in every sense of the word. I’ve never felt fear, even for a second, coming home.

Until today.

I’m going to puke.

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