Page 154 of Splintered Hearts

“I don’t want—”

“I don’t care.” He smiles, sickly sweet. “If you can make a two-hour drive upstate with your boyfriend, you can take a five-minute ride with me. Let’s go.”

“Where are we going?”

“Somewhere you should have gone years ago.”

Pulling up to the iron gates, I feel sick. “What are we doing?”

“I think you know.” Squeezing my knee, he gives me a sympathetic smile. My heart is still erratic from the ride over here. Xavi’s a great driver, though. It’s strange to think about that. I wonder who taught him?

It hits me now, this grief. Not for Luci, for once. For Xavi. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“For . . . what?”

“Not being here. I left you alone to grieve her without me. You lost one sibling while the other shut you out. I’m so sorry.” I’ve missed too much.

It's quiet for a moment. “The only person alone here was you, Jamie. I had Mom and Bri, Hunter, and eventually even Mark. I wasn’t alone. You were.”

It’s how I thought I liked it. “I’m tired of living like this.” In themoment I thought what I was doing was the best thing for Noah, but now I just need him back. But I made sure that will never happen. Noah hates me. I can never take back that ugly thing I said to him.

All his life, people have used him, and I’ve become one more person added to that list in his eyes. Xavier squeezes my shoulder, making me jump. “Come on. Let’s go see her.”

“It’s pretty. Is that weird?”

“Mom spared no expense.” Sitting down, I admire the black tomb with a portrait of her engraved on it. Xavier sits beside me, not crowding me but close enough if I need him.

“I loved her so much.” From the first moment I saw her walking into the library. Dark hair braided down her back in French pigtails. She sat across from me, took out a sketch book, and started to draw.

I’d been so confused. No one sat next to me. Ever. I was the weird kid who maybe smelled a little, never having clean laundry or running water all the time. Luci didn’t give a shit, though, she just sat in front of me and smiled.

And I fell in love.

At least, I thought I did.

“She’s still here with us.” Xavi stands. “I’m going to leave you here for a bit. Come back whenever you’re ready. I got nothing to do today.” This is for my benefit but I can see the sheen in Xavi’s amber eyes.

He needs space.

Standing, I shock us both by grabbing him for a hug. It’s stiff at first, until Xavi finally softens, putting his arms around me and squeezing tight. “I’m going to be a better brother, I promise.”

I feel him swallow before pulling back and giving me a stiff nod. “You got a second chance and she didn’t. It’s time you stopped wasting it.” Xavier gives me a one last hug before pullingback. Both our eyes are brimming. Sitting back down, I look at the headstone.

It’s decorated with fresh flowers. I feel awkward, which is weird since I’m alone.

Maybe not alone.

“I’m sorry I haven’t come by. It’s taken me a while.” I laugh bitterly. “A really long while. I’m trying to change, though. I am. I’m sorry.” Looking over the graveyard I feel peace wash over me. “I met someone Cici. He’s... everything you would have wanted for me. I messed things up, but... I think I can fix it. I want to fix it. I need to fix it. I love him.” Now, with the pain of Ariana’s lies fading, I can’t believe I sunk into myself like that. The things I said to Noah can’t be taken back, but I have to try and make it right.

Looking around, no one else seems to be close by, but the overcast sky brings a slight chill. “I’m so sorry. That feels weak but I am.” My fingers run through the grass as I try to distract myself. “I don’t want to disappoint you. I’m going to get better, I promise.” A gentle breeze strokes my face. Reaching into my pocket I grab the portrait I’d done of her, the one I did the day before she was taken from me. The one Noah saw the first night we met. Rolling up the picture, I tuck it into one of the flower vases. “I love you.” Breathing heavily through my nose, I try to stop the burning tears. I’ve had enough of them. My chest feels tight but somehow lighter. Free. I feel free.

Walking back, I slide into Xavi’s car, and I don’t comment on his glassy eyes. “I’m ready.”

“Um, no. Not yet.”

“What?”

“I want to see it.”

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