Page 144 of Splintered Hearts

“Holy fucking shit!” Watching Ian enter the main lobby I feel numb. It’s been nearly five years, but Ian hasn’t changed a bit. If anything, he just looks more handsome, and also a little tired. Okay, very tired. It’s in his eyes.

I feel guilty for not visiting, but Ian hasn’t visited me either.

I’m not sure where we stand.

I hate this awkwardness. What am I even going to say to him? Despite the mental pep talk I gave myself while walking down here, I feel my throat tighten. “I...” Looking around the shop I see two other stations. Ian’s still sits toward the back, littered with pictures. This is surreal. “I...”

Ian watches me for a second. Tattoos now crawl up his throat and his dark blond hair is more messy than mussed, like he’s been running his fingers through it. Is he as nervous as I am?

Breaking the tension, Ian walks toward me, and I brace myself for a punch in the face, but I’m surprised when he engulfs me in his arms instead. Maybe he’s going to squeeze me to death. Yes, that’s probably it. “I want to fucking punch you, but I’m too happy to see you.” After a moment, he lets go, and I don’t know what to say. “Hey, Ice Queen, when is my next appointment?”

“Uh.” Looking so fucking confused, she checks his schedule. “One.” He looks up at the clock. “Julian’s coming at noon. He has an appointment.”

“She said you needed work done?”

“Uh... yeah, I just... It has to be done soon, and I... I mean, I didn’t want—” Fuck, I need to get a grip. This is a lot. “I didn’t want anyone else to do it.” It feels right. I swore that no one else was going to tattoo me as long as I lived, but having Ian do it—someone who loved Maddox even more than I did—just feels right.

“Come on back. We have some catching up to do.”

Coming back here feels like home. Sinking into the black chair, I feel so many memories surrounding me. My eyes wander over the pictures on the mirror. One of Maddox, Luci, Ian, and me catches my attention. Our eyes meet in the mirror, and I have to look away.

“What am I doing today? It’s just gotta be small. I don’t have that much time. I’m sorry.”

“No worries. I know it’s last minute.”

“Let me see—”

“That’s it?” I can’t take this awkward dance any more.

“What?”

“It’s been years. You don’t have anything to say to me? I don’t know. Scream at me. Fucking punch me. Something. I don’t... I can’t...” I need to breathe or else I’ll have a panic attack. Anxiety chews at my flesh but I try so hard not to let it overtake me. After the accident I would often black out from it. While this is less violent it’s no less uncomfortable.

Ian runs his tongue along his cheek, then looks at the girl desperately pretending not to listen. “Hey Anna,” he says, and she swivels in her chair, wide-eyed. “Can you give us about twenty minutes? Use the card to get something for lunch.”

She nods, getting up. “You want anything?”

“No, I’m good.” Ian asks me, “You?”

I shake my head. I couldn’t eat right now if I tried. The breakfast I did eat is already turning in my stomach. Finally she leaves, and Ian’s shoulders sink. “I’m just so happy to fucking see you. I don’t know what to think. This is awkward and weird and I don’t know.” He runs a hand through his hair, roughing up the fauxhawk he has. “Five years. Five.” Sitting back he crosseshis tattooed arms over his chest. “I wanted to come see you.”

“What?”

“I didn’t know what to say. I was just pissed and unhappy and I don’t know, fucking devastated. Madd was everything to me, and I don’t know. We’d literally just opened this shop together. It was his fucking dream and then he was gone. Just like that.”

“I... I wanted to see you. I just—”

“Shut everyone out. I know. I talk to Xavi still, occasionally. He comes up sometimes.” That takes me by surprise. “Yeah, that’s right. Little bro got some ink.” That surprises me too. Not that he had it done, but that he didn’t tell me. Although, I haven’t been the most understanding person these last few years. “I know it’s been hard for you. I can’t even imagine being in the car that night.”

“I fucked everyone’s life up.”

“You didn’t—”

“Please don’t. I’m trying so fucking hard, but please don’t do that. I know, but I can’t hear that.”

“You stopped talking to everyone. It was like you died too. For that you can be sorry, but not the accident. You couldn’t have known some asshole would make a horrific choice.”

All these years I thought about what it would be like to see Ian again. While we were close, Maddox was my best friend. I met him the summer I turned eighteen and we clicked instantly. He met Ian a year later. My breathing brackets a bit and I try to stay here in this moment and not black out. “I’m sorry. For all of it. For taking this long to see you especially.”

---