Page 49 of Choosing the right Man

On one hand I believe I’m still the same woman Paul believed in so many years ago. But on the other I’m this new woman, this person who died and burned, then rose from the ashes. Maybe I’m being a bit melodramatic, but I remember a counselor once telling me we don’t make mistakes in life; we’re shaped by everystep of our journey so each decision has to be warranted, has to be appreciated. It’s not a mistake because, in the end, it’s what leads us to the next step in our journey of life.

I refuse to have regrets. I might not be perfect, but I give with all I have, and I love the same way. Sometimes, love fades. The reality of life: it isn’t perfect. Life is messy and complicated. I lean back and close my eyes as I think back to those early days with Paul, to the beginning when we were so happy...

The days passed quickly, March turning into April, then May, and suddenly it’s June. I love summer on the coast. I have a wonderful job at a fish house restaurant with other kids from school I’ve become close to, so work never feels like a chore.

I earn tips every night, and all I have to do is clean tables and take customers drinks. Life can’t get better than this. I’m eagerly anticipating the last day of school, counting down the minutes. I’m already working weekends, but it isn’t enough. I want to work more hours so I can have a lot more cash on hand.

For an incredibly poor kid, any number followed by zeroes is beyond exciting. In the summer I always have money. If I want a new shirt, I can buy it. There’s real freedom in a paycheck.

I’m spending more time with Paul, not an overwhelming amount of time, but enough that I start to miss him when I don’t see him for a few days. I want to be with him as a friend only, looking for excuses to call him. Some say he’s too old for me, but they’re wrong. I’m mature for my age, and he’s the stable rock I need in my life.

What’s even better is that my friends love him too. They think he’s funny and sweet, and he has a car, which is perfect. Only a couple of the kids we hang out with have vehicles, so Paul’s car gives us freedom we haven’t had before.

We all pile into his sports car and go to the beach, or to the movies, or for a long drive. We sing and laugh, and have a great time together. This is what life’s all about. I have great friends, money, and I feel like I’m holding the world in the palm of my hand. Can it get any better than this? No. No, it can’t.

School ends for the year without a lot of fanfare, and I start my full-time schedule at work, but so do my friends. Paul shows up often, always making sure he’s here when I get off work to see that I get home safely. Some friendships are meant to be.

Our second week of summer, June nineteenth to be exact, Paul picks me up from work. It’s dark and overcast, but warm. He drives to the lake and parks his car. I don’t see anything unusual about this as we’ve come to the lake often. It isn’t like there are a lot of hang-out spots in our small town.

“I’ve been trying to figure out how to do this for a long time,” Paul says. I look at him quizzically. What’s he trying to figure out?

“Is everything okay?” I finally ask when he keeps silent.

He steps out of the car and quickly jogs around to my side. He helps me out, but instead of releasing me, he wraps his arms around me, pulling my body tightly against his. I start to feel a stirring in my stomach at this intimate embrace, which confuses me.

One thing I’ve noticed about Paul in the months I’ve known him is how powerful he is. His muscles bunch behind my back as I wrap my arms back around him while he holds me tight. I know if there’s a struggle, I couldn’t get away from him. For some reason I feel secure, not frightened.

“I love you, Chloe. I can’t go a single minute without thinking about you. You come to me in my dreams, day and night. I find myself making up excuses to seek you out. Please say you’ll be mine,” he says while looking in my eyes.

Suddenly, the clouds break, and the moon shines down on us, lighting his face so I can see the look of adoration in his eyes. His blue eyes are shining with confidence as he gazes at me, his mouth only inches from my own. Is there any doubt I’ll say anything other than yes? No. No doubt whatsoever. I wasn’t looking for this with him, but he’s been here with me for months, never letting me go. How can I walk away from someone who wants me this much? I can’t. I’d be a fool.

“Yes,” I whisper, the words barely audible with how tight my throat is. I hope I’m doing the right thing.

As if shocked I’ve actually said yes, his mouth suddenly turns up in a brilliant smile, the power of his approval taking my breath away. In this moment, I’ll do anything to please him, anything he asks of me. He owns me right now. This didn’t happen overnight, but now that it is, indeed happening I can only move forward.

“I’ll never let you go,” he vows, the words so romantic to my young ears. I might be too young to make these kind of decisions that can last a lifetime, but it feels as if I’m free when I’m with him.

He lifts me from the ground and spins me around, my hair flying out behind me. I’m in heaven and I need this moment to never end. Eventually, he sets me back on my feet and bends his head forward, his lips touching mine for the first time.

Butterflies explode in my stomach as our mouths press together. It’s a perfect first kiss, the kind of moment I’ve watched a million times in my favorite romantic movies. His tongue brushes against my bottom lip, and I willingly open to him, though I don’t know what I’m doing. Instinct takes over.

My hands lift, my fingers gliding into his hair, pulling him closer. My stomach’s burning, shooting sensations flowing from my core throughout my young body. I can’t explainwhat’s happening to me, but it’s good, so very good, and I know I don’t want it to stop.

I don’t know how long the two of us stand by this rock wall overlooking the serene lake, wrapped in each other’s arms, but it doesn’t matter. Time ceases to exist, and all I know is I’m falling for him. I’ll follow him anywhere now.

He’s mine and I’m his, and nothing else matters in my young mind. I don’t think anything can ever change how I feel about him. I don’t think any moment can become more perfect than this one.

After the night that Paul and I officially become a couple, we’re inseparable. He’s at my door daily, picking me up and taking me around town. We hang out with friends, but slowly, it becomes less and less. In time, it becomes just the two of us in our own little world.

I go to work and he’s there at the end of my shift. On my days off he takes me on fun adventures. It’s Paul and me all summer. I’m falling in love with him, irrevocably in love. I didn’t plan it, didn’t want it. But isn’t this the way love happens? It sneaks up on a person like a silent wrecking ball, and by the time it hits, the damage is too great to fight against it.

Maybe part of his appeal is how he anticipates my needs. Whatever I want he’s more than willing to give. So am I falling in love with him, or am I falling in love with what he does for me? Can a seventeen-year-old even fall in love? Yes, yes we can. We can also fall out of love.

I do know for sure I’m hooked, and there’s no chance I want to be cast back to the sea. I belong to Paul, and he belongs to me.

He’s the opposite of me in every way, and somehow, it doesn’t matter. None of it matters. The world revolves around us and our epic love affair. It has to last forever, doesn’t it? Of course it does. We’re no different than Romeo and Juliet. If we can’t be together, life will be over.

I pull myself out of my thoughts. I so wish I still felt this way about Paul, but clearly, I don’t. He’s five years older than I am, and was so much more mature back then. Maybe I simply grew up and our love didn’t keep up with me. Maybe it’s been the same for him. I won’t know until we actually talk about it. The time has come for us to do just that. I can’t put it off any longer.

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