Page 13 of Choosing the right Man

“You don’t touch me anymore — hardly ever. And then you’re in here inmyhouse flirting with another woman. What other conclusion do you think I’ll come to when you’re in the room with a sexy woman with the door shut?” I’m horrified when tears spring to my eyes. He moves quickly, taking the nearly empty wine glass away from me and pulling me into his arms. He holds me while I let go of the tears that have needed to come for a very long time, wetting his shirt.

“I’m sorry, Chloe,” he croons as he rubs my back. I close my eyes and inhale his tangy scent, trying to take comfort in his embrace. But we’ve been so cold and distant to each other for so long I don’t feel better, don’t feel as if he can make it better.

“What has happened to us?” I cry.

He doesn’t say anything for a very long time, just continues holding me. He said he isn’t cheating on me, and though I want to believe him, want to think we’re simply in a slump, I’m not sure I do. I don’t know what to believe anymore.

“I don’t know where it’s gone wrong,” he finally mutters. His voice sounds so resigned. I don’t know what to make of it.

“What does this mean? Do you want to break up?” I ask. He’s again quiet for a very long time. I want to shout more questions,want him to explain himself. But I wait. I’ve been too fearful to ask this very question over the last couple of years, and now it’s out in the open. Is he leaving me for another woman? Has he fallen out of love with me? Am I out of love with him? Do I want him to leave me? Do I want to leave him? I’m so conflicted.

“I don’t know,” he finally says. Though he says these words, he doesn’t release me from his hold, and I don’t pull away.

I’m suddenly panicked. I’m not ready to let our relationship go. I’m not ready to give up on us, and on everything we’ve been through. I pull back from him and look at his pained face, then I close the distance between us and press my lips to his. I don’t know why. This is my out. This is his out. Why am I panicking?

He hesitates for only a fraction of a second. Maybe some women wouldn’t notice, but I know my boyfriend well. He isn’t sure he wants to be intimate with me. But finally he kisses me back. It lasts for a brief moment . . . and there’s zero fire. He pulls away far too quickly. We go to bed, and I hold tightly to him as I lie awake for hours, wondering if my relationship is over. We don’t make love. Neither of us initiate it. We finally fall asleep.

When I wake at five, he’s already out of bed, and neither of us says a word to the other. We don’t discuss the argument, don’t discuss a breakup, don’t discuss that we’re living two different lives. I’m leaving for the day, and he doesn’t even ask where I’m going on a Saturday.

I came unglued at the thought of him cheating... but what exactly am I doing? I haven’t cheated... but I have feelings for another man, feelings I haven’t felt for my boyfriend in a very long time... if ever. Last night was our end. I can feel it. Maybe we should let each other go. It might save a lot of pain down the road. A lot of pain and a lot of guilt. For who? For him, or for me? I think for both of us.

Chapter Eleven

Chloe

I’m silent as I walk down the path to Mason, waiting at the passenger door of his SUV. I look back at my house and there’s no sign of Paul. He isn’t even curious enough to look out the window to see where I’m going or who I’m going with. My heart breaks a little more. I came unglued at a woman being in my house last night. But I truly think that was more about her being in my home, and me having no control over it.

Unlike my loss of control, Paul isn’t even a little curious about who’s picking me up. I should feel a lot more emotion about this. I’m starting to grow more and more numb to it all. This might be the scariest emotion I’ve felt yet.

“Did you sleep well?” Mason asks.

“Yes,” I say, forcing a smile. There’s no way I’m telling this man, of all men, about my woes with my boyfriend. That might make him think he has a shot with me. I assure myself he doesn’t.

I step into the SUV, and he sidles around the front and joins me. The luxurious space is much smaller once he’s inside. I put on my seatbelt and force myself to breathe, knowing I can’t hold my breath the entire time we’re together. This is such a bad idea.

He pulls away from the curb, and soon we’re on the road. He makes a few turns, and then I notice he’s heading away from the city. I turn and glance at him.

“Where are we going?” I ask, confused.

“I have to pick something up,” he tells me.

“Where? We’re leaving the city,” I point out.

“On the coast,” he replies.

I instantly tense. “That’s more than an hour away.”

“I know. It’s early, and we have all day,” he assures me.

This certainly isn’t in my job description, but I’m so flustered, I don’t know what to say or do. I pause for a moment and try to compose my thoughts. I need to be smart about this. I don’t want to lose my job. The guilt consuming me is almost too much to bear, though. I realize I want to be with this man, I want to be out of my house. I can’t stand the coldness between Paul and me.

The anger I felt at him being with another woman in my house just nine hours before eats at me. Here I am with Mason, feeling a hell of a lot of emotion, when I’d been yelling at Paul for being withhiswork associate. What is wrong with me?

“This is work related, right?” I question. I need for him to assure me it is.

“I am the boss, aren’t I?” I don’t know how to reply to this. Maybe I should just sit back and take this with a grain of salt. I don’t really know this man, don’t know what he normally does with employees. He’s already told me he wants to have an affair. He seems to have accepted that I don’t want one. Does that mean he’s given up? Do I truly want him to give up? All I know for sure is I’m an absolute mess.

“What do you have to pick up?” I ask.

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