Page 113 of Audacity

I turn my head and press my face into his shoulder, not trusting myself to speak. God, how are he and I so good at seeing the best in each other and so bad at seeing it in ourselves?

‘I have to say,’ he continues, wrapping an arm around me, ‘I find it quite ironic that you’re scared of weakening me, when you’re the one who helped me find my true strength.’

I groan my acknowledgement, my tears dampening the fabric of his shirt. ‘The fallen priest and the fallen woman. Are we a punchline?’

‘No. I’d say we’re pretty fucking magical together. May I propose a different narrative?’

‘Ugh. Please do.’

‘What if… we both stand down and stop trying to be such martyrs for each other? I expect it of myself, but from someone who doesn’t have a religious bone in her body I’d expect more self respect.’

I manage a laugh at that. ‘The only religious bone I have in my body tends to be your dick.’

‘And there she is.’ He sighs. ‘Look. What if we stop trying to protect each other and just focus on loving each other? Celebrating each other? What if we accept that we deserve a bit of happiness, hmm? And that we’re both strong, but together we’re unstoppable.’

‘I said that in your kitchen,’ I mumble. I feel completely drained. That confessional was one hell of an emotional wringer.

‘Mairead said it about us yesterday, too. That’s what put it in my mind.’

‘Your sister thinks we’re unstoppable?’

‘Sheknowswe’re unstoppable. And I think my parents do too, deep down.’

I raise my head and look at him through teary eyes. ‘I love you so much I can barely breathe, and I love you so much it’s terrifying.’

His smile breaks my heart. ‘I love you too, and I agree. It is terrifying. But I knew we’d find the stars together, even if the way wasn’t easy.’

Fuck, nothing about ripping your heart open for another human is easy, but I know it will be worth it.

My good, kind man.

My very own saint.

I’m just grateful he prefers playing the sinner in the bedroom.

Epilogue - Athena

FOUR YEARS LATER

Nat and her team are magicians.

The green Gossamer dress that’s hung in my wardrobe all these years, taunting me with its perfection, its expense, itsmemories, is getting a second shot at glory tonight.

The only snag?

After growing and delivering two babies, I’ve gone up at least a dress size.

Enter the magicians. They’ve somehow reengineered it, expanding those endless rows of tasseled chevrons horizontally so that it skims my curves just as beautifully as it did that night.

That night.

I have mixed feelings about it now as I look back. I was so happy, and then so shattered. I truly believed I’d overreached. Dreamt too big. Dared too greatly.

For a few days, a few years ago, I was almost stricken enough to believe that audacity was a bad thing, a character flaw that was both unseemly and bound to bite you in the arse.

To that version of myself I say:

Look at me now.

---