Page 112 of Audacity

He’s perfectly still and composed in profile, as if he’s merely a compassionate ear and not the subject of my revelations.

I push on. It feels as though the truth is unravelling itself in my heart like a great ball of yarn. ‘The thing is, Father, this man knows everything about me. All the things I’ve done, that other people find so shameful. And yet he still looks at me like that.’

‘You know, Athena, that wordworthyis very subjective. We’re all worthy of love, just as we’re all worthy of God’s grace. Both are freely given in abundance, but it’s up to us to build our capacity to accept them. That’s the key.’

‘I can think of a man who’d do well to remind himself of that,’ I say, and he laughs softly.

‘Yes, well, sometimes we have far greater clarity over the worthiness of others than ourselves. But I can tell you, you are worthy of this man’s love. He’s chosen you not despite of what you believe you’ve done, but precisely because of who you are. He loves all of you, your entire being, and he sees you fully.’

He hasn’t glanced in my direction once, and I know it’s his way of giving me as much space, as much safety, to purge myself. I’m quiet for a moment as I process. It strikes me that his point about our having to build our capacity to accept love is something that warrants further thought.

‘Okay,’ I say. ‘I hear what you’re saying.’

‘What do you think scares you most about being loved?’

I consider. I’m someone who has a pretty high opinion of myself. I’m used to being desired, respected, feared, even.

‘It’s being loved byhimthat scares me.’

‘Because…’

‘Because he’s the best man I’ve ever known, and I love him so, so much, and I’ll do anything to protect him.’

He inhales raggedly, and I’m so happy I could give him this, at the very least. It suddenly feels so urgent that he knows how very indelibly he’s written his name on my heart.

When he speaks again, his voice is thick with emotion. ‘Why on earth would you think he needs you to protect him from loving you?’

‘Because he’s so good and pure, and he doesn’t see it. He’s been struggling with his sense of worth, too, and he’s already given up so much—his vocation, and his family’s approval, and he’s been on a journey to get all that back.’ I pause. ‘I don’t want to be the person who jeopardises all that for him.’

‘Why do you think you would jeopardise it?’

‘Because he’s chosen someone who’s the precise opposite of who he was trained to be or to want.’

‘I see. So you think you need to protect him from his own desires, is that it?’ He sounds weary, but the slow way he speaks those words tells me he’s finally beginning to understand what prompted my hissy fit in his office.

‘Yes.’

‘Because that’s your job. That’s what you’ve always done—you’ve had to run the show throughout your career. And he’s been leaning on you, so you have no faith in his ability to look after himself.’

‘I have faith inhim,’ I say quickly, because he’s making it sound like I have a low opinion of him. ‘I just—I’ve always been the strong one, and I was happy to be that for him while he wasgoing through so much uncertainty in his life. I don’t want to be a complication for him.’

He hangs his head for a long moment. Then he turns and looks directly at me through the grille. ‘Will you still feel comfortable talking to me if I take you out of there?’

‘Of course,’ I say. It’s true. I will. This scene he so cleverly created has had its desired effect of opening my heart and loosening my tongue, but there are things Gabe and I need to saytoeach other.

This confessional has served its purpose.

He stands and exits his little box, swinging open my door a moment later. As he holds out his hand to me, I gaze up at him. He’s so beautiful, and I feel honoured to see him like this. His priest outfit is objectively very sexy, but it’s not only a uniform. It’s clear that he’s embodying his former office with all of his being, and it’s wonderful to behold.

We sit together on the bed, side by side, and he clasps my hand on his thigh as I lay my head on his shoulder, inhaling the scent of him like an addict.

‘What you said in there was so brave,’ he tells me. ‘Do you think that’s what really scares you? Not just feeling unworthy of love, but having to put all your trust in someone else to be strong for you, even when it gets hard?’

I mull his words over. I am an island; there’s no doubt about it. I have my support system, but at the end of the day, if you want to build a safety net that can catch you when you fall, you have to build it yourself. That’s the only way you’ll know it’s secure.

‘I would say that’s absolutely terrifying,’ I admit with a little shudder, and he laughs softly, as if that’s no surprise to him.

‘What if I told you,’ he asks softly, ‘that I truly believe I can be that for you? I’ll admit, when you met me I was flailing. I was purposeless and out of my depth and shame-filled. And out of allthat came you and me, and you blew me away. Your confidence is so infectious, you know that? You pulled me along with you, and suddenly I found I could swim on my own. Everything I’m fired up about in life is down to you, sweetheart, and I know, I just know, I’m strong enough to be the man you need.’

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