Page 54 of Captivating

Killian

Whatever you have to tell yourself.

I think about going down to the gym to work out but take the stairs up two at a time instead. I raise my hand to knock on the door but stop when I hear her crying, and my heart cracks. In all the years I’ve known this woman, I’ve only ever seen her cry once. And that time, it was my fault.

“Lilah,” I call through the door.

“Go away, Killian,” she yells through her tears.

“Can’t do that, princess.” I wrap my hand around the doorknob but wait. “I’m worried about you.”

“Why?” Her voice sounds closer. “You don’t even like me.” She sounds like she’s on the other side of the door.

“You know that’s not true.” The knob turns in my hand, but I’m not the one turning it. When the door opens, her face is red, and her wild blonde hair is sticking to her cheeks. She’s stripped out of her jeans, but she’s still wearing my Crucible t-shirt and a pair of fuzzy socks. She’s the most stunningly beautiful mess I’ve ever seen in my life.

“I feel like I don’t know anything right now.” Thick tears cling to her long lashes, and I wipe them away with my thumbs.

“I get that, and I’m sorry if I played a part in this. I do think Noah meant well, but?—”

“Don’t.” She shakes her head. “Don’t defend him.”

Lilah walks back over to her bed and crawls under the blanket. “I just want to forget this day ever happened.”

I want to remind her that the first half of the day was pretty fucking spectacular, but even I’m not that big of an asshole. But I follow her over anyway and climb in bed behind her, then pull her to me. “Sleep, princess. It might all look different in the morning.”

She doesn’t say anything, but the slight shake of her body from her silent tears eventually stops, and her breathing evens out. All the while, she holds the arm I have wrapped around her like it’s her security blanket. And with nothing but time to watch her sleep in the silence of the night, a few things become crystal clear.

I’m not sure when I fall asleep, but when I wake up, the moon is reflecting off the snow, giving a silvery glow to everything inside Lilah’s bedroom. Everything but her—because she’s not here. I worry for a quick second before the soothing sound of the piano breaks through my sleep-deprived brain.

Guess that answers where she is.

I follow the sound down, and when I hit the bottom of the stairs, I can make out her voice too. She’s quiet, but man, her voice has always been the only thing in the world as beautiful as she is.

When I find her, she’s sitting at her black, baby-grand piano in the dark room, lit only by a single candle and the snow falling outside, shining through the three walls of floor-to-ceiling windows. The melody is heartbreaking, but watching her play it while she works out the words she wants is fascinating.

“Did anyone ever tell you it’s rude to eavesdrop?” She’s asking me a question but still running her fingers over the keys.

“I may have been told that a time or two, but I was never good at following the rules.” I don’t move from the edge of the room, trying to let her have her space if that’s what she wants. What she needs. It’s not what I want, but this isn’t about me.

“What are you doing out of bed, champ?”

“Just checking on you.” I cross my arms over my chest, and Lilah tracks the movement. Her expressive eyes showing every thought she’s thinking. And there’s a whole lot going on there. “You want me to leave you alone?”

“What are you doing, Killian?” Her fingers stop playing, and she places them in her lap.

“Didn’t we just do this?” I’m playing dumb, hoping like hell she’s not trying to pick a fight but knowing this woman well enough to know that’s exactly what she’s doing.

“I mean what are you doing here? With me? Why did you agree to this whole thing? We don’t even like each other. Why were you willing to help me in the first place?” She fires her questions off rapid-paced, but I don’t budge. Don’t falter. Don’t hesitate. Because to Lilah, any of those things would be a betrayal.

“You know you ask a whole lotta questions, but you don’t want to give me any time to answer. I bet youthinkyou already know the answers. But you’re wrong,” I challenge her because this... this kind of banter, this is where we shine.

“Cite your source,” she counters.

“I’m my own source, princess. You want to know why I’m here? Well, the answer to that one question answers all your little follow-ups too, so buckle up, buttercup. Because you’re not going to like this.” Her cheeks flame red, and she looks so fucking beautiful, I have to force myself to stay put and not just give in and go to her. We’ve been here before, and it didn’t go so well for us then.

“I’m here because it’s you, Lilah. You and me. I’m here because it’s always been you and me. Always. Even when you said you hated me. Even when you swore I hated you. Even when you told me you never wanted to speak to me again, it was still you and me. I will always be here for you. I will always protect you. I will always lo?—”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence. I can’t— My God, I can’t do this. Not now. I can’t go there. I can’t dredge that all up and expect to come out the other side okay. I don’t have the emotional capacity to handle any more at this point today.” Sheruns her fingers lovingly along the white keys as if grounding herself, and I’m not even sure she realizes she’s doing it. “I already cut my brother out today. The only person I trusted completely. It used to be you and him and then it was just him... And now—just don’t, Killian. I can’t handle it tonight... Please.”

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