Page 4 of Breeding Justice

I shook my head. "No," I said. "I mean, I understand what you're saying, I just don't, like, get it."

"That's okay," he said, reaching out to put a comforting hand on my arm. "It's not something you have to understand right now. And it's okay to feel confused. It's a lot to process."

I nodded, glancing out the window into the inky blackness of the night.

"You're not alone, Hassan," Zane continued. "Remember that. You have people who care about you and want to help you through this."

"Yeah," I whispered. "I know."

He took a sip of water then shook his head.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, I...I mean, chalk this one up to me being stoned, but have you considered fingering yourself?"

I practically did a spit take. "Sorry, what?"

"So, right. Neural pathways are like a complex network of roads in our brain, kinda like a super intricate transportation system. And when it comes to trauma, especially of a sexual nature, it's like this big ol' roadblock that messes up the smooth flow of these pathways. Trying to get around those obstacles can be a real challenge, and sometimes it feels like we're stuck at a dead end. But you know what? Pleasure...pleasure is a totally viable detour," Zane said with his usual mix of medical smarts and friendly vibes. "These pathways are shaped by all the stuff we've been through, right? In your case, the trauma you've experienced has probably created some intense and negative routes that are deeply connected to sexual contact."

I stared at him.

"So," he continued, "if you reintroduce pleasure, on your own terms, it could help build positive pathways. Kind of like rebuilding the road. It's not a cure-all, and I wouldn't suggest this if I didn't think it could be helpful.”

I stared at him, dumbfounded. "You're...you're suggesting I...?"

"Masturbate," he supplied helpfully, and I choked on my water. He chuckled despite himself but there was a serious look in his eyes. "Only if you feel comfortable with it, of course. And only when you're ready."

"But I do have pleasurable sex," I replied. "When I have sex with Justice, it's bliss. She's amazing."

"Yeah, that's why I'm saying you should finger yourself," he replied. "Look, when you're with someone else, even someone you trust and feel safe with, you still don't have complete control over the situation. There is another person involved, their pleasure to consider, their expectations..."

His voice trailed off as he seemed to gather his thoughts. "When it's just you though, you're in complete control. You can stop if something doesn't feel right. You can explore what you like and don't like without judgement. It's all about reclaiming those positive experiences."

I was silent for a while. His words were making sense, it was completely logical from a psychological perspective but it was still a lot to take in given my current state of mind.

"Okay," I finally said. "I'll...I'll give it a thought. But how do you finger yourself, though? Like, mechanically?"

Zane blinked at me, then burst out laughing. He leaned back against his seat, clutching his stomach, full-throated laughter echoing around the room.

I chucked a pillow at him. "I'm straight! I never even considered this."

He caught the pillow mid-fling, laughing so hard tears began to form in his eyes. "Oh man," he managed to gasp out, "I forget sometimes how...heteronormative you can be."

I scowled at him playfully, knocking the pillow out of his hands. "Stop laughing and help me out here, jerk."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" He held up a hand in surrender, still snickering. "It's just...the idea of you not knowing basic anatomy is hilarious to me. Okay, okay..." He took a deep breath, trying to compose himself. "Look - it's really not that complicated. You just have to make sure your hands are clean first and foremost."

"Clean hands. Got it," I said, nodding gravely.

"And then you...well, lubrication helps. Either from a bottle or...your own." His cheeks flushed slightly as he spoke. "And then you...experiment."

The laughter had died down, replaced by a graver tone. He looked at me, his gaze holding nothing but sincerity. "It's about finding what feels good to you. Start slow, and it doesn't have to be directly...you know. There's a whole lot of nerve endings around that area."

I looked at him intently, my heart hammering in my chest. I didn't know if I could do this myself.

He was right there.

He was good at it.

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