Page 25 of Until We Kiss

I shake my head. “No.”

“I saw you go up those stairs with him.” His eyes are that dark amber, moving over me, from face to chest to knee and back. “And now you seem kinda fucked up.”

My pulse hammers in my temples. The spray of the water suddenly seems louder, the steam denser.

“He wanted to show me something,” I say, hating myself for not really answering. But I don’t know what else to do. “That’s it.”

His lips press hard. And I can’t sort out the expression he’s giving me.

He knows.

A fracture starts in my chest, and it splits my throat, tearing right through me.

I squeeze my eyes shut. I need to swallow it all back, like I’ve been doing for the last six months. Pretend that?—

“Did you blow him?” His big voice echoes in the darkness.

My eyes flash open. I’m shaking, and I can’t seem to stop.

“Shit, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” He swipes at his mouth. “It’s none of my business. I’m sorry. I?—‍”

“No, I decided not to blow him.” The words are out before I can stop them, this bubble rising in my chest, billowing andexpanding, and I can’t hold it in anymore. “But you fuckingkissedher. You kissed her, Carter.”

His Adam’s apple rolls with a swallow. “Because you went with him. You ignored me all fucking afternoon. You’re so hot and cold with me, and then you went withhim. And I thought—‍” He shakes his head. “Fuck me. Just fuckingfuck me. I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE.” He shouts so loud that it seems to fill every molecule of air, vibrating between us.

“Dowhat?”

“Fuckingwantyou.” His words seem to fracture all around us, falling hard in the shower.

My mouth opens, my heart smashing.

“I was ready to take on awhalefor you.” He takes another step forward, and he’s right there—tremendous and overwhelming and emotions so strong that it makes my chest hurt. “Thirty-foot blow spout and all. And a slightly scary bartender. And the whole fucking world. I thought something was happening betweenus.”

I’m motionless. My heart, always so noisy, roots in my chest.

“I fucking hoped.” His voice cracks. “I hoped so hard. Needy, pebble-giving hope. And then you went up those stairs, and it all came crashing down. And I kissed her, but I didn’t mean it. I just wanted to forget. But I can’t.”

I drag in a shaky breath, but I can’t fill my lungs.

“Fuck.” He bellows it out. He turns in a tight circle, bare feet slapping in the water. When he comes back to face me, he shakes his head. “This is messed up. You’re probably thinking that?—‍”

“I hoped too.”

He blinks.

I blink.

He blinks again. “You did?”

“Yeah.”

His forehead wrinkles. “For… what exactly?”

The humidity clouds around us, hanging thick over our heads, the steady beat of the water over my shoulder, the slickness of the tiles under my feet.

I pause my fingers. “That maybe you’d”—just say it, say it, say it,say it—“want me.”

His eyes turn to saucers. “For real?”

---