Page 33 of Shea's Hero

“Because I was ashamed. There you were, doing this important job, a dangerous job, while I was home obsessing over calories and BMIs. I didn’t want anyone to know.”

His voice grim, Oliver asks, “So what happened, Shea?”

“I got sick. Really sick. It was—” Stopping, I sniff against the threatening tears. “I wouldn’t even talk to Jade. She finally convinced my landlord to let her into my apartment, and when she found me… I don’t even remember it. I was basically comatose in bed. Wasting away.”

Oliver curses under his breath. “How did no one know?”

“I didn’t want anyone to know. Not you, or Niall, or Jade. I lost my job because I couldn’t get to work anymore. And I… all I cared about was controlling my weight. Nothing else mattered. I know it sounds crazy, but?—”

“It doesn’t sound crazy. But what happened next?”

“Jade got me to the hospital. I was in intensive care for a couple of days. She contacted Niall and he came home on emergency leave. As soon as he could, Niall got me into a treatment facility around here. Since we grew up in Suffern, he knew the area better. Trusted it.”

Staring at my hands again, I force myself to tell the worst parts of the story. “I screwed everything up, Oll. Because of me, Niall left the Army. The job he loved. Then we bought this house and he lived with me to make sure I was okay. He was afraid to go to Texas last year, but I insisted. I couldn’t stand to hold him back anymore.”

Oliver touches my hand, wrapping his around it. Roughly, he says, “Don’t cry, Shea.”

Am I crying?

Yes. I am.

With my free hand, I brush away the hot tears. “I ruined things between us. In the hospital, Jade wanted to contact you. I wouldn’t let her because I was so ashamed. Embarrassed. I felt like a failure. Like you deserved better than a crazy person who only cared about being skinny.”

My voice cracking, I continue, “That’s why I broke up with you. And then… when you came to see me later that summer… We were waiting for a spot to open up at the treatment facility. I looked horrible. Some of my hair had fallen out. I couldn’t… I didn’t want you to see me like that. It was so stupid?—”

Crap. Now I’m full-on crying. “I’m so sorry, Oll. I wish I could go back and do things differently. Tell you the truth. Not send you away. Niall wanted me to talk to you, but I wouldn’t. And he was too scared of me dying?—”

“Shea. Honey.” Oliver pulls me into his arms, and I bury my face in his shirt as I cry harder. “Please don’t cry.”

After several moments, I pull away from his shirt, leaving a large wet spot behind. “I was in treatment for a couple ofmonths. And by the time I got out, and Niall moved us to New York, I was too afraid to reach back out to you. Too afraid to tell you how badly I messed up.”

“After I said all those things to you on the phone.”

“I understood why you were mad. I would have been too.”

“But you were sick.” Oliver stares at me, guilt and devastation in his eyes. “You were sick, and I wasn’t there. I just left you for months. What kind of… Fuck.”

He jumps off the couch and storms over to the window, staring out at the setting sun. “I should have been there for you. Instead of being so damn concerned about my job. I let you down. I let Maya down.”

“You didn’t. It wasn’t your fault.”

Turning, he meets my gaze. His features are set in hard lines and shadows. “If I’d been there, I would have seen. You couldn’t have hidden it from me. And maybe… you wouldn’t have gotten so sick.”

Maybe not. But that wasn’t his fault. Plenty of other people have partners that travel for work and don’t almost kill themselves with an eating disorder.

“I made the choice, Oliver. I did that to myself.”

Crossing the room again, he takes the seat he just left. His gaze intense and worried, he asks, “Are you okay? Are you still?—”

“No.” More in control now, my sobs have subsided to little sniffs and stuttered breaths. “I mean, I’m okay. I have been for a while now. I still go to counseling once a month just to keep tabs on things, and I’m careful about exercising and not obsessing about food. So no, I’m not sick. But change is hard for me. The loss of control. That’s why I didn’t want to go to Texas, or stay at Blade and Arrow in Sleepy Hollow. Not knowing most of the people, being in a strange place… I was worried it might be triggering.”

“Shea.” He takes my hand again. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

“Why would you? I could have told you, but I didn’t. I was too scared. And because of it, I ruined everything between us.”

After a long pause, he asks, “Why are you telling me now? Not that I didn’t want you to, but?—”

Fear clutches my chest. Chokes my breath.

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