Page 83 of The Devils of Saint City

“Yeah, because there’s a lot you don’t know. I thought keeping you in the dark would keep you safe, keep you happier, you know? I swear I wasn’t trying to be mean. But Rhea... fuck. They let you go because they wanted it to be your decision to come back. That’s why they haven’t called you, why they haven’tjust shown up and hauled you out of here. They wanted it to be your decision so they’d know it was real. They’ve been blowing my fucking phone up multiple times a day every day asking if you’ve eaten, if you’re fucking warm enough. If you need more money, if you ask about them. It’s exhausting.”

I nearly drop my phone as annoyance pivots hard to anger. “What? What the hell, Blair?”

“I told you! I kept it from you because I thought you were happy. You hide it so fucking well, it’s scary. I watched constantly for any sign that you truly wanted to go back on your own. You know what it’ll mean if you do, and so do I. So I had to be sure.”

She’s not wrong. I haven’t mentioned them out loud in weeks. I’ve tried so hard to keep it all bottled up that apparently, I convinced the wrong person. “So what? Now all of a sudden you’re sure?” When she doesn’t answer me, I yell, “Blair!”

“You had an episode last night,” she says quietly. “The first couple, I just put a toy in your hand and sent you back to bed. But this one was different. You came out looking for them, for Asher and Manson. I told you they weren’t here and you cried. You cried so hard I wasn’t sure you were ever going to stop, and I couldn’t even tell if you were awake or not. But your eyes were blank. You can hide it all you want when you’re conscious, but you need them every bit as much as they need you. So go home. Don’t buy that house, not without talking to them at least.”

I don’t know what to say. I knew I must’ve had an episode because my head ached and I felt like I hadn’t rested at all, but I didn’t know the rest. I didn’t realize that I buried it all so deep that it spilled out the only time it could, when I had no control over it.

Fuck.

They do want me. They have. I want to strangle them both for not just saying it, but I already understand why they did it — andnot just because Blair told me. It’s because I told them so many times that no matter what they did, it would never be real. That my submission would never be anything more than survival. So when things got better, how could they trust it any more than I could? I was afraid one day they’d realize being nice wasn’t fun anymore. They were afraid they were gonna fall in love alone.

And now here we are, and I have quite a fucking decision to make.

“Miss Ellis?” Mrs. Bright asks, stepping forward. “Is everything okay? We should put that offer in soon.”

I hang up on Blair without saying goodbye and fish my keys out of my purse. “I’m sorry, but I think I changed my mind. I have to go, but thank you for everything!”

Without second-guessing myself, I race back to my car and point it back toward Saint City. It’s a four hour drive from where I’m at right now, but if I hurry and don’t stop too many times, I can make it before sundown.

And I swear I’m gonna strangle them both.

36

So this is it, then.

The end.

Not of the world or my life, but of our story, of hope if he doesn’t let me in.

I thought I finally found the answer when I toured that house. Extra space, locks on all the doors and windows, even a reading nook if I decide to get back into it. All designed to do one thing: convince me I can be happy without them. I won’t get kicked out for having an attitude, for not being good enough, for wanting something they’re not willing to give.

It was probably my last chance.

I’m not a freak. I just fell in love with them.

So I guess that makes me a freak.

And now, for the second time, my sexsomnia disorder isn’t what’s doing me in. The voice in my aching chest screams “LOVE ME,” not “LEAVE ME ALONE.”

Stupid traitorous heart.

So, I drive to Asher’s once again. I practiced my speech over and over again on the way here, but it still doesn’t do anything to prepare me for the dread I feel as I climb his front steps and knock.

What if Blair lied this time? What if they really don’t want me?

I try my best to avoid the peephole, ducking just out of sight of it until the door swings open.

But the second he sees it’s me, shock overtakes his gorgeous features, and he stares at me like I’m a ghost. “Rhea... you came back.” I swear he stops breathing entirely, his grip on the door tightening as he whispers, “Why?”

Here it is. This feeling is so familiar it’s almost painful — my heart hammers in slow motion as I work up the courage to once again bottom line it for him. The answer hasn’t changed. But the meaning behind it? The hope, the love, the fear? That’s entirely new. “Because I need you.”

Releasing that breath, Asher’s hand wraps around my throat as he tugs me in. His mouth crashes into mine violently, desperately, and the whimper he releases when his tongue slides into my mouth tells me everything I need to know.

Blair wasn’t lying.

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