Page 55 of The Devils of Saint City

“I gathered that much. Either spit it out or go unlock the front door. Something has to change.”

“I know,” he admits. “Something does.” He sighs again, and this time I almost slap him with my free hand. “He wanted more too. He finally fucking admitted he wants to be better for you,and the second he heard you mutter the wordsI love youto someone else — he snapped. He’s good at running from things like admitting he’s wrong. Maybe he was looking for a reason? I don’t know anything anymore. All I know is I wanted us three to be better... more. I want us to be what you want.”

Part of me knew that. I could see it in the quiet moments, the gentle ones. But Asher is poison. He was born miserable and he’ll die that way too. Will Manson?

“Can you tell me what that means?” I ask. “What exactly did you picture?”

“I want love,” he whispers, clearing his throat to speak up again. “I know him and I have that, but we also know something has been missing. I believe it’s you, and I know he feels the same. He’s just too fucking stubborn to admit it, especially because deep down he knows it’s always been you. He hides behind anger and intimidation so no one sees the dumbass teenager that fell in love with you the moment he saw you.“ He stops abruptly and cusses under his breath. “Forget I said that last part. He might kill me.”

I don’t care about Asher right now. None of it will ever mean a thing if he can’t admit it himself, so he’s not the one I’m worried about. “You want me to love you. I’ll play along here. What would happen if I did? What would my life look like then?”

“We’d be partners, Rhea. We’d be able to trust that you’d walk out that door sometimes and always come back. Right now we know this is the only way you stay, and honestly even then I’d want to play like this when we’re all home. I like having you as our pet, I just also want you as my woman. I want to take care of you the traditional way, and I know that’s not okay with feminists these days, but it’s what I imagine. I’m allowed to have dreams too. I want you to want me as much as I want you.”

Fucking moron. I could really kill them both this time, I swear. How much pain could’ve been avoided if he’d said thatat the beginning? Why did I have to suffer like this just for his pride?

I want those things too. Even now, after everything. I don’t want to sell videos of my episodes to make enough money to eat. I don’t want to play house with old men who miss their wives, I want to be a wife someone would miss. I’m tired of being on the outskirts of everything I want. Always looking in, always jealous, always longing.

He’s offering me something different. It’s shit on top of a shit cupcake at the moment, but I’ve seen the glimmers of what could be. I’ve felt the butterflies, the warmth they can bring when they want to.

Maybe they finally broke me after all.

“I have nothing left to lose,” I remind him quietly. “And I’d saw off my own arm for a chance at a little comfort right now, so if you mean what you’re saying... prove it.”

“How? I know that shouldn’t be on you, I just don’t know how to fix this. I thought I got through to him last night — no, Idid. I know I did. But I don’t see how you can ever forgive him now. You really think it’s possible?”

“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “Asher has hurt me in ways I’ll never be able to forget. But I... think a part of me has always and will always crave his affection, his protection. He wasn’t there when I needed him before. He took it upon himself to be my worst nightmare for a while. But that part of me, that scared little girl? She’s still in there.” And the little bitch is loud, too. “Asher!” I yell. “Get in here.”

Manson tenses behind me, but as he does I feel him pull me into him.

Ash takes his time of course, poking his head in the room a few moments later without a word, and his signature scowl is on his face.

“Get in here,” Manson repeats. “We need to talk.”

“Sounds like you two are doing plenty of that just fine.”

But he enters my room regardless, and when he takes a seat I don’t feel any anger radiating off of him.

That’s a nice change.

“Is there any chance you’ll take the collar and cuffs off tonight?”

Nois all over his face, but he locks eyes with Manson before ultimately nodding. “Not like you’ll be sneaking on the computer.” He didn’t need to add that dagger, and he knows it. It’s written on his damn face as he stands up to remove the collar. “If you want them off all night though, I want us all to sleep in my bed. Too many guns around.”

“Deal. I don’t care what mattress we’re on.” The relief I feel knowing that they can’t shock me for having emotions nearly makes me cry, but I hold my shit together until Asher frees my wrist. I feel almost naked without them. “I’ll cook dinner if you’re hungry, but I wasn’t kidding about being tired. I don’t care it’s not nighttime yet.”

“Don’t really have an appetite,” he admits, pushing Manson a little aside so he can be the one to lift me and carry me to his room. Manson follows with a smirk though. “Are you guys hungry?”

Not at all, I simply understand that if I’m going to get what I want, I have to play along. And right now, I’d take a hug from a rabid porcupine. These two will have to do. “I’m not that hungry. Manson?”

“Nah. Not for food, anyway.”

I peek over Asher’s shoulder, a little incredulous that he wants sex right now — but the surprised look on his face corrects me.

Manson wants snuggles.

“Get your mind out of the gutter, woman. You’re gonna love Ash’s bed.”

I’ve peeked into this room plenty of times — searched it even, but the fact that I’m finally going to feel how soft this emerald green comforter is has me feeling like it’s the first time I’ve ever been inside. His bare walls are as depressing as ever, but unlike all the other times I’ve looked in here, it’s fucking messy. His clothes are littered across the floor like he was searching for something, and when I look at Manson, I see he’s noticing the same thing.

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