Page 46 of Feels Like Home

“Hey.” At the sound of my voice, they both slowly shift their bodies so they’re sitting up straighter. Without thinking, I reach out and grab each of their hands. I wait until I have their eyes on me and take a deepbreath.

“You boys are absolutelyincredible.”

Aidan immediately looks away, and Reece’s eyes become shiny withtears.

“Can you look at me?” My voice is soft and hopefully reassuring. As soon as they do, I squeeze theirhands.

“This isn’t about you, you hear me? You are amazing, sweet, smart, and lovable, and two of the best boys I’ve ever met. This isn’t about you,” Irepeat.

“She doesn’t want us.” Reecesniffles.

“It doesn’t matter,” Aidan grumbles. “We don’t want her,either.”

“Youmatter.”

Aidan scoffs, so I continue. “You matter so much. Your mom loves you. She just doesn’t know how to be the mom you need her to be, you understand? I think she loves youenough…”

“She’s a big stupid baby who only cares about herself,Christine.”

“Aidan’s right. She doesn’tcare.”

I bite my lip to stop myself from crying, and I know they don’t need words right now. I release their hands and round the counter. They turn to face me, so I pull them both up into a hug. Shockingly, Aidan breaks first, crumbling into tears as he leans on me. I lower us to the floor where the three of us sit, my arms wrapped as best as I can around both ofthem.

“Why aren’t we good enough?” Reececries.

“Oh, kiddo. You are. Youaregood enough. Both ofyou.”

“She doesn’t wantus.”

I try to think of what they need to hear and feel lost so I decide for as much honesty as I think they canhandle.

I lean back, still holding both boys as much as Ican.

“You hear what I’m about to say to both of you,understand?”

They both nod, so Icontinue.

“It is her loss. You are both fantastic boys. I told you already but it deserves to be told again, because it’s truth. You’re funny, kind, smart, sweet, easy to be around, and so many other things. Her leaving isn’t anything that you could have changed. It is all on her. She’s the one who will be missing out on all things as awesome as youtwo.”

The boys don’t respond; they continue to cry softly in my arms. I can taste the salt on my lips, my own tears making streaks down my face. After several minutes of crying and holding each other, I take in a shaky breath and, feeling eyes on me, look up. Standing in the doorway of the kitchen is Andy. I give him a small smile, which is returned with one of hisown.

He slowly walks over to us and places his hand on top of my head then tugs playfully on my ponytail. I stare into his eyes, so full of sadness and worry. My heart breaks all over again, for the loss the boys will feel for the rest of their lives. For knowing that no matter what their father or I tell them, or even Heather, for that matter, they’ll always think it was their fault for herleaving.

Andy slowly sits down, his right leg wrapping around me, his left around Aidan. He reaches through the middle of our circle and grips Reece’sknee.

“I love you boys. Forever.Thatis something that will never change. I will never leaveyou.”

“We know,Dad.”

“And it’s not yourfault.”

When they’re both quiet, he repeats hiswords.

“Boys. It’s. Not. Your. Fault. This is all her. You two could not be more amazing. Shejust…”

“What,Dad?”

“She’s just not cut out to be a mom. But I’m grateful that she didn’t realize that earlier because I have you. I can’t imagine a life without you boys in it. Iwon’t.”

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