Page 38 of Right in Front of You

“You’re mad.”

“No. I just know what I want. Fuck! Looks like we’re running out of time.”

His attention shifted to the side as if he heard someone. My heart was beating so fast that I could barely hear anything over it, until a familiar voice sounded.

“Hello, is anyone there?” Carter’s voice called out.

Before I could scream, Father covered my mouth with his hand. The smell of the fuel on his skin irritated my nostrils.

“Well, damn, that puts a damper on things, doesn’t it?” His breath stunk and my need to hurl grew.

Even if I wanted to reply, I couldn’t. My mouth was still clasped. He pressed his body so hard to mine that I couldn’t move. I closed my eyes and felt tears spring from their corners.

“Change of plans, baby.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a stained rug. “Wipe your hands in this.”

I shook my head, and he pressed the knife harder to my throat.

“Hello?” Carter called out again.

“Do it, or he’ll become part of our little secret. I’ll tell him how you like it. He’ll know that you’re a slut.”

God! Why was he torturing me?I could never understand how a father could be so mean to his own child. It hurt more than the actual rape itself.

I took the soiled rug and wiped my hands. It was greasy and dirty, and its foul gas smell hit me seconds after I was done.

“You’re going to own up to the fire. Tell him you did it. He’ll cover for you, and they’ll stop looking for me. Nod that you agree.”

I nodded.

He slowly slid his hand away from my mouth, reached into his pocket, and then threw both a lighter and the dirty piece of cloth to the side. “I won’t be far. Take blame for the fire, or I’ll tell him what a little slut you are.”

As he backed away, I wiped the tears off my cheeks, removed my sweater, and tied it around my neck to cover the knife wound.

Carter couldn’t know the truth. No one could. I was absolutely mortified about the idea of anyone finding out what had happened to me five years ago. It all felt like it had happened only yesterday. I could still hear the rip of my panties and dress, feel the grasp of his fingers on my hips, feel his hands on parts of my body no fifteen-year-old should have felt her father’s touch. I felt a pinching pain in my knees at the memory, and shame filled me all over again.

“Hello, is anyone there?” Carter called out again, and I pulled in another sniffle.

“Molly?”

As soon as Carter came into view, I wiped my nose with the back of my hand, acutely aware of the stench of fuel that now covered me. He ran up to me and I folded into his welcoming arms — arms I knew I would not feel again for a long time.

“Molly, what are you doing here? What’s the matter?”

He cupped my face first, then slid his hands down my shoulders and arms to take mine into his, and then lifted them to kiss them. My heart nearly broke.

Carter’s lips never touched my skin. Confusion filled his eyes at the familiar smell of fuel.

I couldn’t even speak. I was afraid if I did, I’d break down, because deep inside, I knew that I was about to break our friendship and our trust – all to protect my secret.

“What is this?” he asked.

Desperate not to break down right there, I bit my lip hard.

“You did this?” He looked back to the edge of the forest in the direction of the burning barn.

I wanted to scream no. I wanted to tell him the truth; but I knew that Father was lurking somewhere near, and I knew that he was listening. And so I kept silent.

“Answer me, Molly. Did you set the barn on fire?”

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