Page 43 of Dangerously Deceptive

“That’s a cute nickname,” I say, and Jamieson, who has been sitting off to the side, just quietly watching our interaction, speaks for the first time.

“It’s not a nickname. That’s what we are naming the baby. Gummy Bear.” He announces each word proudly, and my mouth literally drops open, as I look at him. I examine his face for any hint of a joke because this has to be a joke. You can’t call a kid that. But his face doesn’t relent, and it’s not until Shayla starts to giggle beside me that I see the tiniest hint of a smile on Jamieson’s face. Remind me not to play poker with this asshole, he has one hell of a poker face.

“Jay, don't be so cruel,” she laughs, playfully slapping him on the arm. “But you should see your face right now, Kel. You look terrified.”

“It was totally worth it,” Jamieson mumbles, and I can’t help but laugh alongside them. It feels weird that just a few days ago we were all sitting here on a knife’s edge, the tension crackling in the air between us. Now we are cracking fucking jokes. I think my head may explode.

“I would love to come to the doctor’s with you, and that won’t change when I find out, but I have to know about the DNA test. I’m assuming the baby is his, that’s why he is here?” I question, pointing over at Jamieson, not missing the fact that he’s holding Shayla’s other hand in the same way I am. His thumb is smoothing the back of her hand, an exact replica of what I'm doing at my side.

“Erm, sorry I really didn’t know how to bring up the subject. I wasn’t avoiding it for no reason,” Shay mumbles, but I just give her a smile, encouraging her to continue.

Shay starts to speak, but appears to stumble, not entirely sure what to say. So, Jamieson steps in and speaks for her. “I’m not the father, Kellan. You are. I’m here because I made a promise to Shayla when I first found out she was pregnant, that no matter who the father was, I would be here for her, for as long as she needs or wants me. A bit like what you just offered,” he adds on at the end.

Did I just hear him right? Did he just say I was going to be a father?

It feels as though the world has stopped turning, that I’m holding my breath, waiting for my heart to take its next beat. It takes its sweet fucking time, but as it does, I release the deep breath I was holding. I concentrate on each intake of breath, followed by its release as I try to take everything in. I don’t know how long we sat there in silence, just letting me get my breathing under control, but as I look up and see the hurt and confusion on Shayla’s face, I know it took me too fucking long to get my shit together. Now I’ve upset her.

“No, Shay. Please, don’t look so sad. It was just a lot for me to take in. I thought the baby would be Jamieson’s, I honestly didn’t even really think it could be mine. Then when you said it was, I was shocked. I know I should have dealt with it better, quicker, but I freaked out, and I can’t help that. It doesn’t mean I’m not pleased or that I don’t want to be a dad,” I exclaim, trying to make myself seem as passionate as I can. I don’t ever want her to doubt this.

Am I scared as fuck to be a parent? Yeah, of course I am. Do I have a fucking clue how to be a parent? No, but then again, most people don’t. Did I want to be a dad? No, I don’t think I ever did, but that’s the most irrelevant question in the world because whether I wanted it or not, it’s happening, now. So, I either get with the programme and be a dad to my kid, or I sulk and run away, like a scared little bitch. Just like my father did. I never knew him. He left before I was born, and when I was old enough to look for him, I found out he died. I knew nothing about him, including which traits of his I inherited. But for this one, it’s far from paternally hereditary. This desire to look after my own kin, to care about this baby, that is all me. I don’t want to be anything like my father.

“Thank you. I know Jamieson isn’t the dad, and I don’t want you to feel like he is treading on anyone’s toes, but he is my best friend and has been since we were kids. Would you mind if he comes to the doctor’s with us? He’s worried about how gummy bear is and just wants to make sure all is well.” Her eyes shine as she talks about him, and she smiles at him with this big, beautiful smile. I can’t even deny that my stomach rolls and jealousy takes hold. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t exactly hate Jamieson, but he still has one essential flaw that we can’t change.

“Yeah, I get that. Please don’t think I am saying this to be negative towards you in any way, Jamieson, because you have repeatedly proved that Shay means a lot to you, so I have no doubt your intentions are good here. But, you told me you wanted to come with me because you wanted your freedom. Freedom from the Reapers. You can’t have that if he is still in your life,” I explain, trying not to sound as though jealousy is playing any part in this decision. I can’t even tell myself if it is or not, but my statement is still accurate.

“I know that. Jamieson isn’t like the other Reapers, and I am cutting them out of my life, but I can’t do that to Jay. I’m sorry if that upsets you, Kellan.” Her voice doesn’t waver, and I know she has thought this through a lot, but I am only now getting the chance to process all of this, and it’s still a fucking lot to deal with.

“Are you two still engaged?” I ask, and there’s no doubt about it, jealousy is dripping from every word that just spilled out of my mouth.

Shayla looks between Jamieson and me, her bright, beautiful green eyes wide as she looks between us both. Her mouth opens like she is going to answer, but instead Jamieson does. “We are not engaged anymore. The only reason we got engaged in the first place was so that I could protect Shayla while she was at the compound. Now that she is coming to live with you, I know she will be safe. So we don’t need to be engaged anymore.” He sounds almost as though he’s reading from a script he prepared earlier, and there’s no emotion behind his words. Don’t get me wrong, he still sounds gruff and brooding, but there’s more to it this time. He doesn’t sound like he means any of the words he just said.

Shayla looks at me, her eyes boring into mine, and I can see the girl I first met reflected back. She may be shy, and maybe even a bit scared, but she’s also fierce. “I know before I went back to the Reapers we talked about just seeing how things go, taking one day at a time, but then things have changed so much since then. I wouldn’t blame you, Kellan, if you decided this was all a bit too much to handle. Me, and a baby, I mean.”

“Shayla, I don’t even know what to say to that. Can I give you hearts and rainbows like I know you deserve? No. I told you, I’m not that kind of guy. I don’t know what love is, but I do know that the time we have spent apart has driven me crazy. I think about you all the time, and even when I’m trying to work I find my brain wandering, imagining all the things we could do when you are free. I have never lied about the fact that I’ve never been in a relationship, and I told you before I even knew about the baby that I wanted to try with you. One day at a time. Having a baby doesn’t change that. I don’t want to force my relationship with you just because there’s a child involved, but at the same time, no matter what happens between us, even if things don’t work out with us, I will always be a dad to gummy bear. You know what it’s like to have a deadbeat dad, and I didn’t have one at all. I intend on making sure this baby has the best father in the world,” I say, looking between Jamieson and Shayla anxiously. I’m not great at words and fancy speeches. Give me a complex technical code and I can write that in my sleep, but feelings are so far out of my wheelhouse. I just can’t do the big grand gesture I’m worried she wants.

They both looked at each other before smiling and I let out a breath I didn’t realise I was holding. “I don’t need grand gestures and roses. I came here today knowing we were doing one day at a time. If that means nothing happens between us, then that’s how it was meant to be. But, like you said, I know what it means to have an awful family, and you know what it’s like being raised in the system. I want to make sure my child has the best life. That’s why I want you in this baby’s life. Okay?” she asks, and I can’t help but chuckle.

“Like I would give any other answer but yes. Obviously I am scared shitless about being a father, but I have around eight months to get my head around the idea. One day at a time,” I reply as she squeezes my hand with a smile.

“Good, now we have that sorted, we better get going so we aren’t late to the doctor's appointment. It’s only around the corner,” Jamieson explains, looking at his watch. We all begin putting our coats on, and I call the waitress over for the bill. Just as I reach to get my wallet out, Jamieson drops a few euro notes, more than enough to cover our bill twice over, and I look up at him.

“I don’t mind paying.”

He just shakes his head and gives me a weird head nod. “I’ve got this one. You need to keep all your money. You have two extra mouths to feed now,” he adds with a chuckle, but his eyes look like they are saying something else. Like he is joking to cover up some other slip-up, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Fuck, maybe I’m just paranoid, and a little jealous. I can’t deny that when he threw those notes on the table it was a ‘my dick is bigger than yours’ gesture, and I wanted to challenge him. But then I remember that I’ve already won. It may have felt the opposite way while she was stuck at the compound with him, and I had no way of contacting her, but it’s different now. When this appointment is over, we are going to go home to start our lives together as parents, and he is going to go back to his motorcycle and watch on from a distance. So, there’s no point in saying anything because I’ve already won.

* * *

Crowdingaround Shayla as she lays on the hospital couch, her legs propped up in a very uncomfortable position, with me on one side holding one hand, and Jay on the opposite side holding her other hand. We are all staring at the black and white screen that crackles to life the more the sonographer moves the probe around. Because Shayla is quite early on, they need to do an internal ultrasound to get a more accurate result. She asked if Shayla wanted us both to stay, which she did, and the sonographer reluctantly agreed. There are so many families nowadays that don’t fall within the traditional male/female heterosexual, monogamous relationship. For all she knows, we could be a polyamorous throuple, living together and all loving each other. That’s not exactly my bag, but the point is the sonographer doesn’t know that, so she has to tread carefully.

After a few minutes of taking some technical measurements where we didn’t even pretend to understand what she was talking about, she showed us a picture of our baby on the screen. At first it’s difficult to make out the ass from the head, but as the sonographer is explaining the baby shifts and moves around into a different position, we all burst out laughing. The picture on the screen looks exactly like a gummy bear, and my heart soars in a way I never thought possible.

The specialist tells us everything looks okay at this scan, but it will be the next scan where we will know for sure. Despite sounding embarrassed and humiliated as she discussed it, Shayla was open and honest about her heavy drug usage in the early stages of the pregnancy. Naturally she was offered help, but we all confirmed she had things under control and was coping well at present, but if at any point that changes we will seek help straight away.

They give us a scan picture each, and the first thing I do is take a picture of it and attach it to a text. Moving away from Shay and Jamieson, I give them some time to say goodbye, having already agreed that he is welcome to any appointment, and to visit Shay at the house, as long as he doesn’t bring any Reaper bullshit with him. I waste no more time sending my text to Liam.

Kellan: Check out the little gummy bear. It’s five weeks and three days old, and is due to be born on Friday 13th April. Can you believe I’m going to be a dad? Be home soon!

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