Page 38 of Dangerously Deceptive

Jamieson winces upon hearing that, clearly not liking the fact that I intend to make full use of the eight months I will be allowed to be with Kellan. It will be the only eight months of freedom that I will ever be allowed, and I intend on fully exploiting it. I don’t want Kellan to know any of this. I don’t want him to know our relationship is on a timer, and that when the time runs out, that’s it. I want him to live his life with me like he would anyone else. I want a small sliver of normal to keep me going for the rest of my life.

“It’s not ideal, Shay. But it’s the only option,” Whiskey replies, and the President jumps in right at the end.

“So, what do you say, Shayla? You have heard our terms and conditions. Do you agree?” Pres asks, and the gleam in his eyes tells me he has something planned, I just haven’t worked out what yet.

“Once I have seen the paperwork, I will agree. But I want to be very clear. My child's freedom is non-negotiable. I earnt that freedom and I did my waiting time, I’m handing it over to the child immediately. There will be no small print about them ever returning, or learning about their Reaper heritage. As for the sabbatical, I want it to commence immediately. If you agree to this, I will marry Whiskey before I leave. I will promise to keep in touch with him regularly over the months I’m away. I will agree to the amount of money that I need to pay you as compensation, and it will be well-documented that I won’t be expected to hand over any of the money until my pregnancy is complete. If something happens to me during the pregnancy and I lose the baby, I will be given a one-month grace period where I can grieve before coming back to the compound. Other than that, I agree to come back as soon as the hospital feels I am well enough to be discharged after having the baby. The Reaper lawyer will be available when I need them to draw up a tight custody document, one that makes it clear Kellan is the only one who can raise my child. If, and only if, all this is agreed to, with no extra terms and conditions, or loopholes, then yes. We have an agreement.”

It may not be one I am particularly pleased with, or one I like at all. But, I know Jamieson will keep me safe. He’s the best of a bad situation. And as long as my baby is safe, that’s all I care about.

It takes almost three days to get the MC’s lawyer on site, with all the paperwork I need to complete to grant this little gummy bear its freedom. Thankfully, Jamieson was able to get in touch with Kellan, to let him know that there was a hold up here at the compound, but as soon as I was free, I would be coming straight to him. He even sent Kellan an up-to-date picture, with me holding a dated newspaper as he demanded to know I was well. Obviously, I had to use some make-up to hide the bruises caused by my piss-poor excuse of a mother.

Now that the paperwork was here, and I had made sure there were no loopholes or amendments that they added without me realising, there was only one thing left to do before I could finally claim my freedom, even if only for a couple of months. I need to get married.

Initially, upon hearing Jamieson’s demand, I was pissed. We argued like crazy that night. I felt this was his way of pushing the marriage on to me, which I guess in a way it was, but it was also our only solution. Every day that I spend as a Sweetbutt here at the compound, my life will be in danger. I will always be the lowest rank, and thanks to Kandy’s blatant hatred of me, I will always be a target. Not just with the other women, but with the men too. Once my pregnancy is over, I’m a walking target. Men can rape me, beat me, torture me. It’s all fair game. The only way that changes is if I’m an Old Lady.

As Whiskey’s Old Lady, anyone who wants to fuck about with me will need to get his permission first. The only time this changes is if the person is ranked higher than him. As Road Captain, Jamieson is one of the highest-ranking members of the Reapers. Only Smithy, Patch, Little Bit, and Pres rank higher. So, that means, they are the only people I need to fear. If they decide they want me, although it’s polite and good manners to ask Whiskey, they are by no means obligated. However, anyone in the lower ranks, including any other Church members, fully patched members, and Prospects, will need his permission, which he will of course deny.

The other women are a more unknown force. Rank-wise, only Kandy and Pepper, who is Patch’s Old Lady, are ranked higher than me. All the other women are lower. But, because they all rank lower than Whiskey, if they play by the rules, they should ask his permission. If, however, my mother decides to kick my ass again, and claims she didn’t have time to ask permission, then it may become a problem. The issue will have to be decided by Pres and Whiskey. If it’s a Sweetbutt instead of an Old Lady, then the Sweetbutt will be punished.

Either way, being married to Jamieson gives me a level of protection that I desperately need. Not that it would be a magic shield around me, protecting me from everything, but I know it’s the best he can do. I love the fact that after all the trouble I’ve caused, and all the hurtful things I said to him when our friendship ended a few years ago, he is still willing to help me. That’s what I was pondering the night before the wedding, as we both lay in my bed watching TV. I had obviously been confined to my room to ensure no more fights until it’s time to leave the compound, and Jamieson hadn’t left my side, choosing to sleep in my room to make sure I was safe.

“Jay, why do you want to marry me? I’m so grateful for what you are doing, but Reapers get married for life, even if they hate each other. Look at Kandy and Pres. He hates her, but he can’t get rid of her. That’s what will happen to you. You will never get your real chance at finding happiness,” I ask, vocalising something that has been on my mind since I found out.

Honestly, I’ve never really been the type of girl who imagines herself getting married with the big white dress, and that princess moment. I guess growing up as a nobody fostered those kinds of feelings. But, I don’t remember Jamieson ever really talking about it. Obviously, when we were around ten and twelve, talking about our plans for the future, we joked about getting married and getting out of the compound together. We didn’t see a big wedding, or anything like that. We were just kids who thought marriage was the best way to ensure we stay connected for the rest of our lives, and we were right. Although I didn’t really see myself getting married, I still see it as a sacred vow. It’s a promise to be together, and to be there for each other. It’s not something to be done lightly or without meaning. Could I really marry Jamieson even though we’re not in love?

“I want to marry you, Shay, because I have since you were around six years old. You were my best friend, and it was around that age my father told me that real men always love and protect their Old Ladies, no matter how annoying they are. I knew Pres and Kandy were hitting you, and I wanted to protect you. I even asked the Council for permission, but they said I was too young. You know I’ve always loved you, Shay. We have never really had a chance to try a real relationship. If, one day, you decide you want to try being with me for real, then that is amazing and I would love that. But, if all we ever are is friends, then that’s okay to me too. I’m marrying you because I want to,” he replies, his voice sounding far off, almost wistful, even though he is lying next to me still.

I don’t really know what to say to that, so I don’t, instead focusing on the TV show we have been bingeing for the last couple of days. Jamieson doesn’t say anything, but he pulls me further against his body, until my head is in the crook of his arm, and my body flush with the side of his. I throw my arm over his naked chest, his skin feels warm under my touch. Stroking with the tips of my fingers, I follow the swirls of black ink that adorn his chest, choosing to focus on the tattoo he got for me.

I think I knew all along he still had feelings for me, he hasn’t really made much effort to hide them. But, at the same time, he has done a lot of things that I'm not sure I am ready to forgive him for. Teenage me never got over the fact that he was inducted into the Reapers anyway, but then when I was sixteen and the beatings really got more serious, he did nothing. He even participated during the rape. He said he made sure to go first, so he could prepare me. Meaning, he went slower and more gentle than the other assholes would have. He also tried to give me pleasure, at least enough to turn me on, which of course he managed. Now he explains why he did it, it makes sense. But, at the time, all I saw was a man I thought cared about me, abusing me, and forcing my body to feel things I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to be turned on. The idea of being turned on during a gang-rape made me feel even worse, like my body was betraying me, and I really was the slut they kept telling me I was.

Explaining to Jamieson how I felt wasn’t easy, and I could tell just by the look on his face that he was ashamed to have any part in it, but I know now why he did it. I guess talking and seeing each other’s points of view really helped, and we have done a lot of talking while we have been locked in my room. He is more like the little kid I used to know than I realised.

“What if you meet someone you really love, Jay? What do we do then? I don’t want to hold you back from marrying the love of your life,” I mutter, talking into his chest. I’m glad I’m not looking him in the eyes for this conversation. Obviously I don’t want to talk him out of marrying me, I have no idea what the fuck I would do if he did change his mind. But, I don’t like the idea that I’m stopping him from living his life, from finding love. I may be doomed to a life of unhappiness, but that doesn’t mean I have to bring him down with me.

“I’m not worried about that, Shay. So, you shouldn’t be. Anyway, I better get going,” he says, sitting up as he looks at his watch. “Honey will be here soon.”

I look at him with confusion, my heart beginning to race. This has started happening over the last couple of days. Each time he leaves, even if it’s just to go to the bathroom, or to bring us back some food, my anxiety kicks in. My heart races, my breathing escalates, and my palms get sweaty. Sometimes it even goes so far that I see spots in front of my vision and feel like I might pass out. Jamieson has become my lifeline, and I need him to survive. He’s supposed to stay with me, to make sure me and the baby are safe until I can get to Kellan.

“Relax, Shay. I have a few last-minute things to take care of before the wedding tomorrow. I’ve also booked an appointment with the doctor after we meet Kellan, the day after tomorrow. I don’t know if you would prefer it being just the two of you, but if you need someone there for you, I would love to?” he asks, and as I look in his eyes, I can see the hope there. He said a while ago that no matter what the paternity result was, he would see this baby as mine, and he would care for it the same way he does me. It looks like he really intends to stick to it.

If I were leaving the day after tomorrow, to live a normal life with Kellan, to have a shot at a proper relationship together, then of course I would just want it to be me and Kellan. But, that’s not how things are going to work. I get to play house, to pretend to be in a relationship with Kellan, and get that glimpse at the life I have always wanted. When the time comes, I have my baby, along with everything else I have ever loved, then I have to rip it all away. Tear up the happiness and spit all over it. But, that doesn't mean I don’t want to enjoy it while I have it. It also doesn’t mean I want to forget it ever happened. The memories I make over the next eight months need to be enough to drive me to survive a lifetime in hell.

I want Jamieson to know my little gummy bear, to acknowledge that they will be out there in the world, living without me. I don’t want to forget about them, or never talk about them again. So, yes, I want Jamieson with me. I want him to experience as much of the pregnancy as he can, without Kellan realising there’s anything weird going on. The last fucking thing I want to do is hurt him, but I know when he finds out the whole truth, that I did all this to secure the freedom and safety of our baby, he would never hate me for it.

“Of course I want you there. Is there anything I need to do for tomorrow?” I ask, sounding vague because it feels weird to say wedding. It’s not really a wedding. We have nothing special planned. We just say our vows in front of the registrar the Reapers have no doubt been bribed to attend tomorrow, we sign the legal paperwork, and that’s it. There’s no big dress, beautiful setting, and music while I walk down the aisle, not even an after-party. So, it doesn’t really feel like a wedding to me.

“No, Honey is going to stay with you tonight and help you get ready in the morning. Do exactly what she tells you, do not argue. I know exactly at what point you will argue, but please trust me, and just go with it,” he says as he pulls on his t-shirt before walking towards the door.

I can’t help the sulking pout that springs onto my lips. Jay chuckles upon seeing my cute expression. He asks me to trust him, and I simply smile in return. I want to trust him, and I think there’s a big part of me that does, but there’s also a large part of me that has been burned and getting that trust back will be difficult. He gives me a small smile, and I can tell by the way it doesn’t quite reach his eyes that he knows and it hurts him.

Taking a deep breath, I let him know how I really feel. “Thanks for doing this, Jamieson. I may not be able to understand why you are doing it, and I may think you’re a little mental for latching yourself onto someone who literally can’t get any lower in the eyes of the Reapers. But, the fact that you want to marry me, in spite of all that crap, is so lovely. I know the road ahead is going to be anything but smooth, and I sure as fuck don’t know how I’m going to survive without my baby, but I know that with you by my side it will be a little bit easier. I can’t say I trust you now, but that doesn’t mean I won’t ever. I’m lucky to have you, Jamieson Wayne Ford.”

His smile spreads, lighting up his gorgeous face and making him look years younger. I keep trying to compare him to Kellan, but it’s impossible. They are both so different. Kellan is the sexy, smart computer geek who is more lean than muscular, with more classic boy band good looks. He’s also more loud and sarcastic. Jamieson, on the other hand, is so brooding he almost comes off as an asshole. His big, muscular frame could be scary to some people but he is a cuddly teddy bear, really. Just a hot one, with muscles and ripples all over, and rugged good looks. They are both so different, but if I’m completely honest, I like them both.

When I thought I had my freedom, Kellan was it. He was the one who was going to help me reach my target, to help get me free of the Reapers. Getting him was an extra bonus. Then when I found out I didn’t have my freedom and I needed to learn to live with the Reapers, Jamieson became my saviour. Stepping in to give me the support I need to survive. The problem is, I have always viewed these boys in relation to how they can help me, and what I can gain from them. I never really saw it this way until right now. Don’t get me wrong, I felt all sorts of amazing things for Kellan when he showed me that sex could be so much more, and I have no doubt if I let Jamieson, he will do the same. But, I don’t have the luxury of picking a boy out of love. Even if I meet Kellan again and we fall in love, it’s irrelevant. My future, our future, is set out in stone. Tomorrow, I will marry my best friend. Not because I love him, or because I want to, but because I have to. All I can hope is that our future works out the way Jamieson envisages.

Waking up the next morning, I groan as soon as I open my eyes. My mouth is dry and I feel like I've only had a couple of hours of sleep, which I have. Reaching over to the bedside table, I grab the bottle of water I keep there, and take some small sips. I’ve learnt not to take too large a sip or it activates the morning sickness.

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