Page 50 of Dangerously Deceptive

I try to tell her that it’s okay, and change the subject, but she hits me with that fierce, take-no-prisoners glare she rocks so well, and I sigh in relief that I have someone other than Liam to talk with about this. I have no idea what he would say to this.

“First of all, I just want to say that I love Shayla and after what she just put her body through to bring my daughter into this world, I will forever be grateful. But…so…okay, here’s the thing. When I looked at our baby, I was hit. It was like a comet flew out of the sky and knocked me off my feet. I knew I loved her as soon as I looked at her. My heart doubled in size so I could make room for her in there too. I just know that nothing she does, even when she’s a teenager and she gets a tattoo and a piercing before running off with a boy that I hate, even then I will still love her. I might have to have you treat my heart attack before I kill her but my point is, the love I have for her is immense and I just knew.”

Annette nods her head as I speak, laughing during my nightmare teenage phase part, but I could tell in her eyes that she understood what I meant. “A parent's love is instant and unwavering, even if they aren’t here to love you back. So, what is it that you are worried about, Kel?”

“Liam says that's the type of feeling you get when you fall in love with someone. It might not be that all-consuming, instant feeling, but even if it creeps up on you over time, you will still have that realisation moment where you just know that you love that other person.” I take a deep breath, scared to vocalise the rest, but knowing I have to. “Before I met Shay, I didn’t even know what love was. I’ve never been in love, and I have never had anyone say they love me. My mother abandoned me at six, and I never knew my father. So, when Shayla told me she loved me, I was overwhelmed. After a time, I started to feel strongly towards her. I mean, we are close to a year together now. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our ups and downs, probably more than a couple our age should have. But, I thought what I felt for her was love. I even told her as much, but I was so unsure about what I was feeling. Then when I picked up the baby I just knew, it made things with Shay almost pale into insignificance. I don’t know how I feel, and I feel horrible for saying that right now.”

“Then don’t. Kellan, there will be plenty of time for you to explore how you feel about Shayla later. I’m not saying you should ignore your revelation, but right now is a time that she needs you the most. You aren’t thinking of running off to be with another woman, are you?” she asks as her evil glare catches me off guard.

“No! No, I would never do that. I’m not questioning my feelings for Shay to give me a loophole to get out of this relationship. I am doing it because I want to be fair to her. I want her to be loved in the way she deserves, and I’m worried I’m not capable of giving her that. But I sure as shit am going to try.”

Just as we reach the door to the maternity ward, Annette pulls me out of the entrance, and with both her hands, standing on tiptoes, she puts her palms on my face. “You are a good man, Kellan. Just because you don’t feel that spark doesn’t mean you don’t love her. I know you have never had that moment, that realisation that you love her, and I can’t deny that’s not worrying. I do agree with your friend, that when you fall in love with someone, you just know. But, that doesn’t mean it won't happen. You don’t have to try forever, and you don’t have to stay together because of a baby. But, I think, right now, you do want to be with Shayla. I think you do want to keep trying. Don’t you?” There’s more than just a question there, it’s like she already knows the answer, she just wants me to confirm it.

“Of course. I know I feel something strong for her, I’m just confused as hell right now.” That is the truth. So what if I don’t have the overwhelming feelings of love that smacked me in the face? I knew I felt something for her, stronger than I ever have felt for anyone before, and now she isn’t just some girl. She is the mother of my child, who I will intrinsically be linked to forever. I wouldn’t make this work just for the sake of the baby. Of course I want her to have the family I never had, but as long as she has parents who love her, we don’t need to be together. But right now, I want us to be. I want to take my family home.

It’s so weird to think that when I walked into this hospital just a couple of hours ago, I didn’t have a family, and now I do. I had a girlfriend, but now we are a family. Forever connected, and I’m so excited to start our lives together. Whatever happens in the future is for then. For now, I just want to enjoy my family.

“Okay, so stop wasting time. Get in there and introduce me to your daughter,” says Annette, as I push the security button to be allowed access to the ward. I tell them who I am and they grant me access.

Midwives and doctors are all running around, everyone looks busy, and I try to keep out of everyone’s way as I lead Annette to the room we are in. Nobody looks our way, probably because Annette still has her uniform on. As soon as we get to the door of the room, our midwife, Siobhan, is standing in the doorway, all the colour drained from her face.

“Kellan, do you know where Shayla is? Is she with you?” she asks, barely able to hide the panic in her voice.

My mind starts racing, and before I know it, all the worst-case scenarios are running through my brain. My heart races and I start to hyperventilate, but one thought pushes through everything. “Where’s my daughter?” I ask, storming past the midwife, into the birthing room behind her.

Looking around frantically, there are definitely no signs of Shayla, but thankfully there, sleeping peacefully in the middle of the ridiculous-looking fishbowl cot, is my little girl. Not even bothered about the thought that I might wake her, I rush to her, scooping her up into my arms to hold her close to me. I try to slow my breathing down, but there’s no getting control over my heart. Just the thought that my little girl may have been taken was fucking terrifying, and I couldn’t help but hold her close to me. Fuck, all the worst-case scenarios are still running through my brain, but none of them seem nearly as bad now that I have her in my arms.

“What do you mean, where’s Shayla? How the fuck should I know? I left them here in your care. Have you looked for her?” I shout, pacing around in the birthing room that suddenly feels very small. That’s when I catch sight of the brown Manilaenvelopes that were definitely not on the hospital table when I left. There’s no name on them, but I know they are for me. Looking down at the little bundle in my arms, I look towards the fishbowl, but I just can’t bear to put her down. I know I can’t read whatever is in there with her in my arms, but the thought of putting her down, even though I’m going to be here, scares the shit out of me.

“Do not talk to this young lady like that, Kellan. I know you are scared right now but she is only doing her job, and she does not need to be shouted at. Now, let me have some cuddles while you deal with things. I promise to sit in that chair right in front of you. Okay?” Annette chastises me, and as I look over at the midwife I just shouted at, I can see tears welling in her eyes.

When she was caring for Shayla, she seemed so confident and she knew exactly what she was doing. I never doubted her ability to bring my daughter into this world safely, and I think because of the air of professionalism she had about her, I never even realised she was so young. All I knew is that she knew exactly what she was doing, and I trusted her. But now when I look at her, I can see she must have only been doing this job for a short period of time because she looks so young. She also looks terrified, but not of me. She is worried because she has lost her first patient, and I’m guessing that’s not something that happens every day.

My eyes are drawn to the envelope that I know will give me answers, but I need to hear from her. Pulling my phone out, I dial her number. As soon as it starts ringing in my ear, the ring echoes around the room, and Siobhan and I both rush to the bed, where we find Shayla’s phone.

Knowing I have no choice, I take the envelope in my hand, and slowly open it after putting my phone back into my pocket. There’s a thick collection of papers, some of which are stapled together, and I can see most of them are legal documents. But it’s the page at the beginning that captures my attention the most. I would recognise her swirly handwriting anywhere. Shayla has written a note addressed to me, and I know as soon as I start reading it, my world will change forever.

Kellan,

My instinct is to start this letter by saying that I’m sorry, but I know hearing that will mean nothing to you. You don’t want to hear about how I feel or if I have regrets, you will just want to know why, and you deserve that. I wish I could tell you everything, but I can’t. I hope one day I will be able to, but until then, just know I did the right thing. You might not agree, but I can promise you I have.

I have gone back to the Reapers, and I’ve married Whiskey. I can’t tell you why, only that I didn’t have any other choice.

I’m leaving our daughter with you. You will raise her and love her more than I ever could. I know you are scared of love, but from the second you found out you were going to be a dad, you stepped up. You had no idea what to expect, no role models to emulate, but that’s a good thing. You have a blank slate to work from. I know being both of her parents will be hard, but she is lucky to have you.

I’m not going to bother asking you to tell her how much I love her. She is better not even thinking about me. I have signed the legal document issued by the state abdicating all parental rights. This means that although my name will appear on the birth certificate when you legally register her birth, it will then be redacted. You will officially be her only parent. I am giving up any and all rights I held, and making you solely responsible for her. She will not be able to access my name or details until she turns eighteen, or unless you tell her before. I am asking you not to, and in return I won’t try to contact her before she is ready. I don’t ever want her to hear the term Reaper.

To ensure that doesn’t happen on my end, I have had to pay the Reapers. Even though I have signed away all rights to her, she still has my DNA, which means she is still a Reaper Legacy. I can’t let them near her, so I had to buy her freedom. You will find your bank account is almost empty, and attached is the deed to your house signed over to me. You have forty-eight hours to clear everything out. What is left will be sold along with the house. I would offer you the chance to buy it back, but unless someone can loan you the money, or you can get it in the next two days, it’s off-limits. Again, I’m not going to apologise for doing this. I’m doing it for her, whether you understand or not.

I hope that you and gummy bear have a long and happy life together. Give her a name as beautiful as her. Make sure to be a tough parent when she needs you to be, but always be fair. I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but I know your job means you don’t exactly hang out with the nicest of people. Don’t ever leave her without a daddy, and don’t bring her up in our world. She deserves better. That’s why I am doing this, because she deserves better.

I know you don’t want or need to hear this but I truly am sorry, Kellan, but I know I’m making the right choice. I’m incredibly lucky to have met you, and created a life with you. You helped me survive a time when I didn’t think I could, or that I wanted to. You are the first man I ever loved. I know you think you love me, but we both know that you don’t…not really. You care about me a lot, which is why I know this will hurt so much. I know for the first time you really tried to have a relationship with me, and I wish we could have worked because you deserve it. I promise you, one day a girl will come along and she will blind side you. You won't see her coming, but you won’t ever question how you feel about her. It will be a given. Just, don’t close yourself off when that happens. Trust in her. No matter how much you may not want to. But, make the right choice because both you and your daughter deserve that.

I wish you both a full and happy life. Like I said, I hope one day I’m able to explain the truth to you, but until then I will take your hate and anger. Just raise that little girl to be as beautiful, smart, and caring as her dad, and you won’t go far wrong!

I love you both, don’t ever doubt that.

Shayla (Mum)

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