Page 49 of Dangerously Deceptive

“No! You have only just got clean. You know I hated you using that stuff in the first place. You don’t need it, Shay. I know you think you need it, but I promise you that you don’t.”

Ignoring both his words and his arms, I stand up on my own, not caring about the slight wobble. I’m trying to do too much after the trauma my body has just been through. Siobhan, the midwife, told me to listen to my body. When it hurts, that’s a sign I've pushed it too far. But mine doesn’t just hurt, it aches uncontrollably. Every nerve, every cell, they are all stinging from the pain and grief I am putting myself through, but I can’t make it stop. I can’t pick up my baby, give her love, and name her. That’s what my body is calling out for me to do. Instead, when she begins to cry at our sudden movement, all I can do is turn my back on the pain, which is exactly what I do.

I hear Jamieson huff before stomping over and picking up the baby, soothing her instantly, stopping her from crying. Jealousy seeps into every pore as I snap at him. “Put her down. For fuck’s sake. I thought you said we need to get out of here now. And let me be very fucking clear, if you don’t get me some gear the minute I step onto that compound, I will do whatever I have to do to get some. Understand?” My voice takes on the evil growl that I hate. I found myself doing it to Kellan when I realised the baby was coming today. She is eleven days early, and I hate it. I thought she would be late, like all first babies are. I thought I had at least two more weeks, but I didn’t. They were robbed from me, along with everything else good in my life.

That’s why I have asked Jamieson to get me drugs. I know he has promised life at the compound will be different now I’m married to him, and there is a very small part of me that wants to see what being married to him will be like. But the rest of me doesn’t want to live at all. What’s the point in continuing with this shitshow of an existence? As soon as I leave here, Kellan is going to come back. All he’s going to have is a letter I wrote that is nowhere near a good enough explanation, but it’s the most I can give him. Over the last seven months, in spite of the feelings I know I have for Jay, I fell in love with Kellan. It’s impossible not to. He’s like the perfect guy. He’s kind, funny, and incredibly sweet. He’s the first man I have ever met that always put my needs first. That’s why I know he will make a great dad.

The idea that I've hurt him, and of course I will have, it breaks my heart. He helped me during a time I needed him the most, and all he gets in return is a broken heart. When he told me he loved me, I could see the fear in his eyes, he really meant it, and he was scared of opening that part of himself up to me. Of course I was honoured he trusted me enough to love me, but it hurt so much because I know how easily it is to lose trust. I don’t want him to never be able to trust again, and to close himself back off. I want him to find love and happiness, even if it can’t be with me. Our baby deserves a mum, and that thought is enough to tip me over the edge.

As much as I want Kellan to find someone to show him what love is, and how to trust again after I broke it, the idea that she will become my daughter’s mother is heartbreaking. I don’t think I really had even considered that scenario until now. That one day the little girl, currently curled up in Jamieson’s arms, will call another woman Mother. She won’t know me, and will have no reason not to find a new mum. But as I think about that scenario, it feels like I’m being stabbed by a million tiny, little blades all at once. But, I knew this part. I may be her biological mother, and nothing can ever change that, but in real life I will never be her mum. Someone else will need to raise her, to be her mum.

That thought is the final nail in the coffin, as I let the darkness consume me. I watch, without really seeing, as Jamieson gives her a kiss on the head, takes a few selfies, and then puts her back in the cot. He takes a few more pictures that I know one day, most likely when I’m in the middle of a binge of drink and drugs, I will ask to see them. I will beg and plead, but he will continue to say no. He will only show them to me if I'm alert and sober. He knows I won’t ever ask for it then.

Gathering up the bags in one hand, he gently links arms with me and pulls me against his side. His breath touching my ear sends shivers down my spine, yet I barely feel them. It’s like my body is acting all on its own.

“Shay, we are going now. This is your last chance. Do you want to see her or say goodbye?” he whispers gently against my ear as my heart races.

I can’t believe we are finally here. This is the part I have been dreading since I found out the Reapers would grant only one of us our freedom. That was the moment I put my baby’s life before mine, and I would do it each and every time. No matter how much this hurts, or feels like it might kill me, how I feel is irrelevant. She will always come first. Which is the thought I hold on to as I walk out of that room, without turning back to look at her. I can’t see her, or bond with her, because every moment she is in my life, she is in the Reapers’ too. That gives them a chance to get their claws into her, and they can fuck off if they think I’m going to let that happen. I would rather have her and Kellan hate me, see me as the villain, than put my daughter in danger.

I hope that one day she will get to know the truth. Kellan will learn he was never a mark or someone I played. He was collateral damage, caught in the way of the Reapers. I allowed them to use him and take everything he owned, in exchange for them leaving him and my daughter alone. Everything I have ever done has been for her, to ensure she lives the best possible life. If they learn the truth eventually then that’s great, but until then, I am happy to play the villain, as long as she is safe. I’m not sure how long I will be able to endure this pain anyway. I’ve always believed I wasn’t put on this world to live a long life and to grow old with something. Now I know I was put here to produce her, and now I have, I can go safe in the knowledge that she is alive and well, and that Kellan is giving her the life I never could. I knew this part would be hard, but I never expected this feeling of completeness. Like I have achieved my life's work, and so it’s okay if I let the pain consume me. If the darkness comes and takes me, that’s okay.

Seeing the opening I need, as Jamieson’s back is turned, one by one, I slowly swallow all the pills I had with me. Paracetamol and ibuprofen. I swallow all the pills in both packets, before telling Jay it’s time to go. As he reaches me, I pull him in for the same kiss I gave Kellan. Trying to show him as much as I possibly can, how much I appreciate and love him. I can’t say it with words, but I hope he knows. I clutch onto Jay, holding on to him like he’s a lifeline, and move quickly to the car, hoping to be a long way from the hospital before the pills finally do their job.

The amount of time it took me to go out and get a fucking wrap was killing me, there was traffic and queues all over the place. The ache I feel being apart from my little girl, even if for just over half an hour, is immense. So, once I finally get to the hospital, I find myself running, until just outside the entrance a loud, stern voice shouts at me to slow down. There’s an echo of familiarity in the voice, and as I turn towards where it’s coming from, standing there is Annette, with a big smile on her face.

I walk over to her, the car seat in one hand, and the gorgeous bear I bought for our little gummy bear at the shop in the other. I was walking past the toy shop, desperately trying to think of names, and just as I saw this bear, a name came to me. I obviously need to make sure Shayla likes it, and that it fits when you look at her, but I'm confident on this one. I can’t help the big grin on my face as I finally meet the nurse who looked after Shayla all those months ago.

“Well, someone looks like the cat that got the cream. How are you doing, Kellan, son?” Annette asks as she pulls me in for a big hug.

For such a small woman, she is one of the fiercest people I’ve ever met. I spent a lot of time talking to her, getting to know her, when Shayla was unconscious or just resting. She works way more hours than someone her age should, but she loves her job. They are always short-staffed, and if she didn’t pick up the overtime, then that meant a nurse who should only be looking after ten patients gets to look after twenty. So she does it for her patients and her work colleagues. But, I often wondered if it bothers her family. That she sacrifices time with them to care for another family instead.

“I can honestly say, Annette, I have never been happier. Shayla just had our baby. I have a daughter.” I love the way those words just roll off my tongue. I never thought I would. Hell, I never thought I would want to be a dad, but here I am.

Her laugh pulls me out of my daydream. “I thought as much with you holding a car seat and a teddy.”

“Oh yeah.” I laugh along with her, before an idea hits. “Why don’t you come and meet her? I know Shayla would love to see you again. Unless you are busy and have to get home to your family?”

Her smile morphs into a wistful expression, before she can quickly replace it again, but it was definitely there. In fact, it was hard not to miss. “How can I resist cuddles with a baby as cute as you?”

Now it’s my turn to smile, as I think of those big, beautiful blue eyes, that I kind of hope stay that colour. They will look just like mine then. “Nah, her beauty is all from her mamma.” I don’t even have to lie about that. True, Shayla turned into a bit of a demon during her labour, and was acting so strange afterwards, but I did just watch her perform something miraculous. Not only did she labour and push my beautiful baby girl out into the world, she did it all without any pain killers at all. She is a beast, and no matter how much of an actual monster she turned into, I won’t ever stop being grateful for what she did.

“That girl, in fact, both girls, are very lucky to have you,” Annette says as I lead her towards the maternity ward.

I don’t know why, but talking to this woman is so easy. I’ve never had a maternal figure in my life. My mother abandoned me when I was aged six, and Liam’s mum was so busy being scared of his dad that she didn’t really do much parenting. Yet, this woman, despite only knowing her for the week or so that Shay was in hospital, I can already tell she is a maternal figure. I wanna ask her questions, things I should be asking the mother figure that I don’t have, but it seems strange.

“I know we don’t know each other all that well, Annette, but can I ask you something? I don’t have any women in my life other than Shay and now the baby. You always did such a good job of mothering me when I was at the hospital with you.” Her face seems to fall as a sadness overcomes her, and I question whether I have overstepped. Swapping the bear into the same hand as the car seat and the food, I take her hand into mine. Letting her know that I’m here for her. I want to apologise for upsetting her, but I'm not really sure what I did wrong.

With a big exhale of breath, Annette’s face holds the slightest smile as she explains, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make this about me. It’s just you saying I mothered you was a bit triggering.”

“I’m so sor—” I begin to say, but she cuts me off, not wanting to hear my apology.

“Don’t ever apologise. It triggered me because I was a mother but that got taken away from me a long time ago. Years ago, I had a husband I loved and two beautiful children. A drunk driver ploughed into the side of our car on New Year's Day. We were driving home from a family party, and a group of teenagers were driving too. They went through a red light, they were driving too fast. I doubt they even saw it, because they didn’t see us until they were too late. I was in the passenger seat, and my kids were in the back. My husband died at the scene, while I begged for him to open his eyes. I was trapped in the car, crushed by the impact. I had to watch the life drain out of the people I loved and I had no way to save them. When they finally got me to the hospital, I had a pelvic fracture. They had to remove my uterus because of a bleed. That was when I found out I actually lost a third child, the one I was carrying and didn’t even know about again. So, not only did I lose my entire family that day, my ability to be a mother died at the same time. As soon as I could walk again, and it was a long bloody recovery, I marched straight into the hospital that saved me, asking for a job. I told them I wanted to be a nurse, and that’s what I did. I never moved on or got another family. There’s nobody at home waiting for me. But, that’s okay, because the reason I became a nurse is so I could help other people.”

Her words seeps into my pores, making me feel for her in such a horrendous way. I think if we had this conversation when we first met, I would have felt for her then too, but I wouldn’t have been able to understand how she feels like I do now. The idea of losing my baby girl, it’s an indescribable pain, so the fact that this woman is moving around and functioning as a human being is a fucking miracle.

“Well, now you have an adopted family to look after. I will give you our number, and we will make you dinner when you’ve worked too much, and you can come over for baby cuddles whenever you want. How does that sound?”

Her resulting smile is blinding, and though she tries to hide it, I can see the way her eyes fill with tears. “I would like that a lot. Thank you, Kellan. You really are a good man. So why don’t you tell me what it is that’s bothering you?”

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