Page 34 of Dangerously Deceptive

“You wouldn’t understand,” he mutters, as a blush spreads across his stubble-covered face.

“Too fucking right I don’t understand, you cunt, I—”

Before I can finish my rant, which is getting louder and more furious, Shayla reaches out to take hold of my free hand, which I was using to animate my story. Basically translating to the fact that I was flapping my arm around more as I got more annoyed. I am sure I looked like a real twat, so I’m glad when she takes hold of it. I can’t even explain the mixture of feelings I’m dealing with right now. Someone like me, whose brain works a mile a minute, contemplating all the worst-case scenarios and all the possible outcomes, they cause my anxiety to heighten. I feel as though I’m living in a constant state of panic, like my feet never truly hit the ground, and the more I hear about what has happened with Shayla, the more helpless I feel. It’s like a dust cloud is filling my atmosphere, downing me in confusion and my own thoughts. I’m at a real loss right now. All I can do is keep practising my breathing techniques to help relax and just listen to what they are saying. I can’t let my emotions get the better of me on this.

“Kellan, please. Nobody is more mad at Jamieson than me, but believe me when I say, he is in a tough spot. There’s more to the Reapers than you know. Do I think he makes the right decisions? Most of the time the answer will be no. But I know that every choice he makes is a hard one, and he doesn’t always do the right thing, but he does the one that keeps us both alive. You have no idea what decisions you would make in his shoes,” Shayla says, and quite frankly I’m shocked she is standing up for this asshole. Before she left, she would barely give him the time of day. She didn’t want to know why he became a Reaper, she just hated the fact that he had. Now it appears she has had a change of opinion.

“Fine. So, what happens now?” I ask in a huff, not really sure how to absorb everything.

“We need to focus on the baby first,” Shayla says, and for some reason, it’s like my brain is only just catching up. Like I’m only just properly hearing this for the first time. I don’t know why, but before, all my brain could concentrate on was the rape aspect, and the drugs. Basically anything except the main issue.

I could be about to become a father. Do I want to be a dad?

My instinct has always been no. I’ve never wanted to be a dad. I don’t know the first thing about raising a kid. All I know is that I’ve never had any male role models in my life. I don’t know any men who are good dads. I have nobody to look to for inspiration. The nearest thing I have to a father figure is Desmond fucking Doughty. He’s estranged from half his kids after he tried to pimp the two girls out and they had to be saved by Liam, and his two eldest sons may stay by his side but they hate him too. Then there’s Liam, the youngest son, who would probably argue that Des is the worst dad in the world. So, no. I don’t know how to be a dad.

But now there’s a chance I might be and I’m not entirely sure how I feel.

“Wow, a baby. That’s big, Shay. How are you feeling?” I ask, genuinely caring about how she is. This is so much less than what she deserves. Finding out you are pregnant should be a happy time. Instead, she is worried about what harm she could have done with her drugs, she is worried about who could be the dad, and she’s worried about if she can even be a mum. I can see the look in her eyes, and she doesn’t need to vocalise these things for me to know how she feels.

“Honestly, I feel like shit, Kel. I have spoken to the Church about the baby, and they have made a ruling. You have to do the foetal DNA test today, we have an appointment booked. The results should come through no more than seventy-two hours after the test is done. If you are not the dad, the baby will be classed as a Reaper baby, and is therefore property of the Reapers. All Reaper children should be raised on the Reaper compound. However, if the baby is yours, then I am invited to Church to discuss my options. Will you do the test? They said if you won’t then we have to treat it as though it’s a Reaper already.” Her eyes plead with me, and I can see everything she isn’t saying out loud. She is hoping that this is my baby, so she can be free of them for good. If it isn’t, she will be tied to them for life, and her mission and all the dreams we came up with were for nothing.

My heart aches because I genuinely don’t know what I want. I know I don’t want those assholes to claim this baby for their own. A baby created in a gang-rape is hardly the ideal start for a child. Plus, I have no idea what motivation Shay will have to stay clean if she stays with them. But, on the flip side, I don’t think I want to be a father either.

“Let’s do the test. I guess we can’t do anything until we know,” I say, not really sure there’s much else I can say. But, as I feel Shayla squeeze my hand and give me a small smile, I know I must have said the right thing.

“I am sorry, Kellan. I wish I were coming home with you right now, to do all the things we planned. I never forgot any of what we talked about,” she says, her eyes flooding as a thick gulp seems to catch her breath, causing her breath to hitch. I can see she is trying not to let the tears flow free, and is instead focusing on meeting my gaze. It’s the first time she has properly done so since arriving, and although they look hollow and lifeless compared to what I’m used to seeing with her, there is a sparkle there that looks like the old Shayla. I think that she may still have some hope, some desperate craving to be free. It might not be easy, but if this baby is mine, I need to fight to the ends of the earth to make sure it has a good life, miles away from any Reapers.

Telling Kellan about the pregnancy was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have spent the last month being treated like trash, and I've desperately craved the numbness I needed just to survive. But once I found out about my little gummy bear, it all changed. I needed to live, to breathe, for my bear. I am the only one giving this little one a chance at life, and I sure as fuck am not going to mess it up.

Sitting in Jamieson’s car, on our way back to the compound after completing the DNA test, I can hear the rumbling engine of Joker’s bike behind us. I was surprised we took the car. Yes, it’s a sleek, black Audi with top-of-the-range features and typical Reaper adaptions to make it illegal on the road, but a killer in any road race. That’s one good thing about having an on-site garage, there’s always someone available to tinker with your wheels. But despite how killer the wheels are, Whiskey loves his bike. We rarely use his car. Now I’m wishing we were on the bike because at least with the wind zooming past us creating all the noise we need, the silence wouldn’t be cutting through us like it is now.

I can tell he wants to talk, but he holds his tongue. “Jay, whatever you have to say, please get it over with because we will be at the compound soon and I don’t know when we will be able to chat again.” I huff in frustration, curling my arms around my belly. There’s nothing there at the moment, but I’m excited about the fact that there will be. At least I’m excited now, I wasn’t always, and I’m not sure I always will feel this way. It will depend a lot on the results of the DNA test. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do. There is only going to be one of two outcomes, and I need to come up with a plan for how I’m going to deal with either result. I know the odds are most definitely not in his favour. There’s him versus the fifteen people that raped me around that time, although a couple did it more than once. So, I’m very aware his odds aren’t great, but he’s still the best option by a mile.

“Honestly, I don’t really know what to say, Shay. I guess you could say I’m still in shock. I know Pres said that if the baby wasn’t Kellan’s, then it was a Reaper baby, but wouldn’t you want to know which Reaper? I don’t know if I can handle not knowing if it’s mine or not,” he mumbles, looking around as he drives, his fingers gripping the wheel.

I don’t even know how to comprehend the idea that there are multiple possible fathers, never have I felt like more of a whore than I do right now. It’s bad enough having to live through it, but now I could have a permanent reminder of the worst part of my life. Yet, even knowing this, knowing how disgusting this baby makes me feel, it doesn’t make me love my little gummy bear any less. You can’t blame the child for the sins of the father, I’m living proof of that. I guess if this baby isn’t Kellan’s, then I would want it to be Jamieson’s. I would be willing to let him test, but nobody else. After Kellan and Jamieson are ruled out, not one of those pricks deserves the title of Father. I would rather leave the birth certificate blank.

As I explain all of this to Jamieson, his face is an unreadable mask. When did I stop being able to tell what he was thinking?

A sharp pain in my arm draws my attention back, and I look down to just below my elbow, only to find that I have been scratching and picking at the track marks on my arm so much that they are bleeding. There are oozing scratch marks all over my skin, and I can’t make myself stop itching. Although I am trying to focus my mind on other things, to block out the horrific cold turkey side effects, it doesn’t mean they are not still there. It feels as though millions of little creatures are all scurrying around under my skin, burying their way until they get my attention. My stomach, although it’s completely empty, feels like it's flipping every few minutes, like I’m on a roller coaster, and when it stops that’s when the bile starts trying to make an appearance. Dry heaving until the stomach muscles in my abdomen hurt, almost to the point it feels like my ribs are broken. My head drowsy, my vision spotty, I take deep breaths to try and keep my stomach intact. I have been through all the symptoms, combined with morning sickness, and each day they get a little easier. Each day my reason for staying strong and healthy gets a little bit bigger, and I know I’m doing the right thing. I can’t wait for my doctor's appointment. I only have to wait four days, and they will confirm that everything’s okay, and that I haven’t done any damage. That’s my worst fear, but Jamieson keeps reminding me I can’t blame myself when I didn’t know. But even without knowing about the baby, I still chose to put poison in my body.

“I know you don’t want this baby to be a Reaper, but be prepared for Pres saying it already is. It will always be at least half Reaper. And as much as you hate it here…” I give him a death stare because it’s more than me just fucking hating it here, I detest it. “Don’t look at me like that, Shay. I was trying to say that, even though you hate it here, even if you have to stay here with our little gummy bear, it doesn’t mean that baby will have a bad life. You are the one who determines how good a life it will have, and I know you will look after and protect this baby from everyone. But, I want you to know, no matter what the result, I want to be part of this baby’s life. I want to help give it its best chance at a great life, if you will let me?” Jamieson asks, love dripping off each and every word. I think I’ve always known how he felt, but I’ve also known that there’s no way around it. When he patched into the Reapers, our lives went in separate directions, only now they might not be. Now I might be tied to the Reapers for life.

“Jay, this baby would be lucky to have you in its life. If this baby isn’t Kellan’s, and I’m staying here as a Reaper, then I would want to take you up on your offer to become your Old Lady. I don’t think I can survive living at the compound without you.” I know he can hear the desperation in my voice, but for some reason he snaps at me.

“What, so I am only good enough if the baby isn’t his?” His tone becomes a snarl at the end, contorting his beautiful face green with jealousy.

“It’s not even about who is the dad or not, Jay. It’s about freedom. If this baby isn’t a Reaper, then it’s free. It can have the childhood that we never had, the one we grew up craving. Of course I’m going to want that. I wanted it for us, now I’m desperate for my baby to have it,” I reply, trying to calm him down. The last thing I need is for him to think I’m choosing Kellan. The funny thing is, I don’t have the luxury of choice. I don’t get to choose which boy I want, or which life I want to live. I have options thrust upon me, and I’m stuck in the middle, forced to choose whilst desperately looking for an escape route. If I could run away with my baby and live happily ever after, then I would.

Don’t get me wrong, I really fucking like Kellan, and I want us to have a shot. I don’t think right now that we stand a chance. We haven’t even gone on a first date yet, and I could be thrusting a baby on him. We have dealt with so much, I’m not even sure it’s a stable enough foundation to build a relationship on. He’s always been honest about his feelings, and the fact that he wants to take it one day at a time, which really is fine by me. But the more those clock hands tick, the closer it gets to the baby coming, and quite frankly, that is terrifying. But, we all know that the deciding factor is going to be who the baby daddy is.

Seventy-two hours is going to feel like a long fucking time!

* * *

Although the lastcouple of days passed by painfully slowly, thankfully I was left almost to my own devices. Since my month leaving period is up, I’m now classed as staying here voluntarily, and I can leave at any time, it’s justadvisablethat I don’t. That’s the official ruling from the Church. Which is code for ‘stay until the results or we will drag you back kicking and screaming, and then beat the shit out of you for wasting our time while we chased you’. Though, they did agree I couldn’t be injured in any way that could harm the baby. Until they knew otherwise, my baby could be a Reaper baby, something they take very seriously.

That didn’t stop my mum from showing her dominance over me. Since I could no longer be ‘used’ by any of the men, I was classed as useless, and instructed to report to my mother for my duties. Kandy loves to be the one in charge, and when I reported to her again this morning, she was revelling in it.

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