Page 35 of I Was Always Yours (RCA: Royal Crown Academy)

I should have known he’d never see it that way. The irony in him calling me a slut is that I never kissed anyone else after Max, and I wasn’t even an active participant in that kiss.

Phoenix, on the other hand, fucked around with what felt like half of Switzerland, parading them in front of me time and time again, to such an extent that I began to wonder if he was doing it for my benefit.

Who knows if I’ll ever get the chance to see if I can even fall for someone else. I certainly won’t around here when he’s ostracized me from every guy at school.Would I even be interested, even if someone did come on to me?

Because the truth is I didn’t beg Phoenix to let me go because I was in pain. I begged him because I was afraid he’d realize I liked what he was doing. That he’d run his fingers through my folds and discover that I was wet for him.

Chapter 12

Phoenix

I manage to ignore Sixtine for two fucking years and all that effort goes to shit less than a week into our final year at RCA.

When I laid eyes on her for the first time after Hong Kong, I didn’t react well to seeing her in the halls of RCA. I’d spent the past couple of years actively working to not let the thought of her overwhelm me with poisonous anger, and suddenly, there she was.

And there she was going to continue to be the next day, and the next, and every day after that for four more years.

So, I’d done my best to get her kicked out or sent home, to no avail. My anger had ballooned with every fruitless attempt, ultimately culminating in an explosion when I’d caught her kissing Max in second year.

I let myself be so blinded by my hatred of her that when I walked out and saw him with her, I was completely caught off guard by the fact that the dominant emotion I felt wasn’t anger, but jealousy.

His lips on her, his hand on her waist, her hand on his shoulder.

Seeing her soft lips on his when they’d featured in every single one ofmydreams and nightmares since I’d been ten was a blow to the upper left chest area made with such force that it expelled all the breath from my lungs.

For a minute, I assumed this is whatcommotio cordisfelt like.

The truth is that I’d spent so much time around her trying to ruin her life that our proximity had teased the embers of my feelings for her until a small flame had started burning again in the midst of the cold ashes.

I’d gotten used to spending time with her, even if the sole purpose had been to make her life miserable.

I’d let my guard down for a split second and she’d made me pay for it. I’d lost focus, letting her beguile me into momentarily forgetting that she’d confessed her feelings for Astor when the whole time she’d made it seem like she’d be mine.

That should have been my first clue that she’d grow up to be an unfaithful whore. I shouldn’t have been surprised when I caught her with Max, but I was.

The fury that I’d felt was impossible to describe. It’d blazed through my entire body like a match being dropped on gasoline and had snowballed painfully into my chest. The sensations were physical, like the most agonizing heartburn, this combination of anger, bitterness, and envy throbbing powerfully in my gut.

I’d been able to contain my rage, but just barely. Because while Max ended up with a few broken fingers, if I’d let my monster at him, he’d have ended up dead and she’d have spent the rest of her natural life chained up in my basement.

It felt like yet another betrayal, yet another reminder that I needed to stay away from her. Letting rage control me wasn’t getting me anywhere and if we continued like this, I was afraid I’d blow and do something I’d regret. And I didn’t know if that thing was going to be killing her or kissing her, or which of the two I’d regret more.

So, I erased her as best I could, graying out the memories of her that were seared into my brain and shutting off any emotions I had for her. I said goodbye to the anger, bitterness, and envy, and hello to nothingness.

For two years, it worked. I’d flipped that switch and tuned out her voice and ignored her altogether.

Although sometimes I couldn’t resist taking a peek.

I’d zone out mid-class and come to with my eyes on her, quickly shifting them away before she could catch me looking.

This new approach was working, and I was surviving. I spent the summer on yachts and in clubs, relaxing on the Mediterranean and taking full advantage of finally turning eighteen.

I only had to make it through one more year before I never saw her again.Before I was free from this barrage of emotions that took me over whenever she was near.

And then Rogue, my heartless psychopath of a best friend, decided to feud with her roommate, forcing an unexpected nuclear collision between the two of us and erasing years of work in an instant.

It’s comical really how quickly we’ve reverted back into our old ways of hate and heated confrontations. The one notable difference is that she’s started fighting back. Not much, she still inevitably gives up and backs away, but it’s a change.

Something new.

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