Page 153 of I Was Always Yours (RCA: Royal Crown Academy)

Moments later, I’m awoken by movement in the bed. When I’m finally able to make sense of what’s fantasy and what’s real life, Phoenix is standing and almost completely dressed, putting his shoes on and tying his laces with sharp, angry movements.

“What are you doing?” I ask, confused and still somewhat sleep-addled, “Where are you going?”

“Home.” He says, not looking at me.

“Why?” I ask, panicked. I throw the covers back and get out of bed.

“I don’t need to be here and clearly you don’t want me to be.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask, putting my hand on his shoulders before he shakes me off. “Phoenix?”

He ignores me and grabs his jacket before making for the door. I get between him, pressing my back against the door and splaying my arms wide to keep him from opening it.

“I’m not letting you leave until you tell me what’s wrong.”

The violent energy swirling around him and the way he clenches and unclenches his fists tell me to be careful, but I ignore those warnings.

“Move.” He demands.

“No, why won’t you talk to me?”

He turns and punches my closet door, the wood cracking under the force of his hit.Worry snakes into my heart. I’m not afraid of him hurting me, I’m scared of what’s making him lose his shit like this.

“You said his name.”

“Who’s name?” I ask, not letting myself get phased by the violence.

The muscle in his cheek twitches so savagely, I’m afraid it’s going to snap.

“Astor.”

I sag against the door as I finally understand the cause of his anger. I must have said his name aloud when I shouted it in my dream.

“I had a dream about him.” I explain.

His eyes flash and he runs an angry hand through his hair. He steps back into the room, his voice furious when he answers.

“No shit. I got that much when you moaned his name.”

I want to be able to talk to him about my dreams, especially this one. Because it felt like Astor was telling me that everything was going to be okay. After all these years of being dream-free, the timing of this one feels almost like closure.

Like maybe Astor was with us all these years, waiting for destiny to go into effect and now that Phoenix and I are together, he can move on.

“Stop getting mad at me every time I bring him up.”

He turns on me, eating up the space between us until he looms menacingly above me.

“I will when you stop bringing him up.” He grits out through clenched teeth.

I squeeze out past him, leaving the path out the door open if he wants to take it.

“So, you want to live and pretend like he never existed?”

“Between us? Yeah, you’re damn fucking right I do.”

I don’t get it. I don’t know why he won’t talk about him with me, if it’s still because he blames me for not saving him. How are we supposed to move on together if he can’t forgive me?

“Well, I can’t do that. If you don’t want to talk about him, that’s fine. That’s your healing process. But it’s not mine. I need to be able to talk about him with you.”

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