I take a deep breath as I remove the last couple of petals. “Passionately…madly.”
Astor tackles me to the ground with whoops and cheers as he crows in my ear. “You love me! You love me!”
Part of me giggles along with him, laughing at my best friend’s antics, but the other part holds my breath, waiting to see what Phoenix will do.
It’s just a silly game, but I know he’ll hate this outcome because he didn’t ‘win’. Not that there’s even anything to win technically, but that’s him.
He creates competitions where there’s no need for them and his mood turns black if he feels himself not stacking up in those imagined match ups.
And something about the energy that I sense coming off of him feels extremely volatile, like it could become reactive if I made eye contact with him.
He pushes back into his heels and stands, brushing the remaining flowers off his lap as he does so. I can tell he’s about to leave without a word, so I call his name.
“Phoenix, wait.” His eyes move to mine, and even now the black depths are impossible to read, “What about your crown?”
He gives me a dark look before casually throwing over his shoulder as he walks off, “Give it to Astor.”
My shoulders droop, my fingers aimlessly playing with the half of the flower crown splayed across my lap.
I was making it for him, not Astor.
“He seems cross,” Astor ponders, before looking at me with a cheeky grin, “I don’t think he liked that you love me more, ladybug.”
I elbow him in the ribs, and he bends over with a laugh.
If only the nickname ladybug gave me the butterflies that wild girl does, then all of my problems would be resolved.
Instead, I watch the brother I’m growing more and more obsessed with each passing day walk away from me.
***
I sneak into Phoenix’s home around snack time and creep up to his room undetected. Some pretty obvious security concerns aside, I’m very proud of my stealthiness as I drop the flower crown on his pillow. I spent the rest of the afternoon perfecting it for him.
I consider leaving a note of some kind, but he’ll know who it’s from. Plus, I don’t really know what I’d say.
“I think I really like you, do you feel the same?”
Nope, stupid.
Stupid, stupid,stupid.
He’d rip up the note and crush the flowers if I ever left anything like that in his room.
So, I leave his house the same way I entered it, like a thief in the night, hugging the walls to avoid detection. Except I leave a piece of myself behind instead of taking something so I’m effectively the worst thief ever.
If he finds the flower crown on his bed, Phoenix doesn’t acknowledge it.
My heart stops in my chest and I hold my breath when I see him the next day in our first class together, but he simply tips his chin at me and walks past me and to a group of girls he usually ignores.
Foolish tears sting at the corners of my eyes as I sit down next to Astor, but I manage to hold them in and not cry in front of the whole class.
Small victories.
He doesn’t acknowledge it the next day or the day after that, but when I come home on Friday and dump my backpack on my chair with a frustrated sigh, I find a Marguerite daisy waiting for me on my desk.
It’s laying on its side and it only has four petals left.
I love you…